In the hands of God

It is never to much

2009-07-14T07:52:00.002-06:00

I love when God speaks to me and I actually listen...I have been feeling very anxious lately. My husband is not one who openly talks about his feelings. It drives me crazy when I know something is wrong with him and yet I ask him about it and he tells me he is fine. It is kind of like when I was a kid and knew that things were crazy in my house but I was told no everything is just fine. You know the whole secret thing. I always feel like w/ my husband that if I was a better wife or if I was more approachable or more this or more that then he would be able to open up to me. I see him holding all the pain of his father dying so close to the surface but he won't allow himself to just grieve and let it out. It drives me crazy not to be able to fix him.

I went to work today with this on my mind and went into the bathroom and just started crying. I spoke out loud and said Lord this is to much..I have just been feeling all of the pressure from being away from home so much and then dealing w/ everything in therapy and then coming into work and being the professional and everything is fine. It just gets to be to much. I think I get tired of juggling all the different balls and roles. When I spoke out loud I immediately heard God say Lisa it is not to much, it is never to much because I will never give you to much. That is a promise I gave you.

It is so reassuring to know that he is by my side every step of the way. I pray that he can give Mike peace and comfort and soothe him in a way that only he can. I pray that he continues to remind me along the way of this whole crazy Eating disorder that he is there and gives me the courage to keep doing what I need to be doing even when I feel like it is to much.

Masks

2009-07-10T20:14:00.000-06:00

Thursday nights we do art the last hour that we are there. It is really not about the art but rather about the expressions. The first Thursday night they gave us journals to decorate. It was rather relaxing sitting there cutting out words in a magazine and pasting them onto the journal. I didn't feel guilty that I was sitting there doing something meaningless instead of doing laundry or dishes or something else.

This Thursday they told us we were going to decorate masks. It is a cut out of your face. You are supposed to decorate the outside w/ all of the emotions that you have a hard time expressing and the inside w/ all of the emotions that you are comfortable with.

I had no idea how to start this. I had wanted to do a mask ever since I had seen some that another lady there had done. I wanted to do this so badly but didn't have the courage to start. I am not sure if it was because I didn't know how to portray the images on the mask or if I was afraid to try for fear of someone laughing at my mask. All I know is that I sat there almost the entire hour with tears running silently down my face. One of my friends there tried to talk me thru it. Tried to get me to start. I think it just made it worse. It seemed ridiculous to me that at almost 36 I was having to be talked thru an art project like a 5 year old.

It has been bugging me all day today. I am not a quitter. The only person I ever quit on is myself. I called the center and asked if they would consider letting me take a mask home to work on when I was by myself. I went by this afternoon and picked it up. I am going to try to start on it this evening and see where it takes me.

This whole process has been much more than I bargained for. I went in thinking that I just needed to learn how to diet better. I now have openly admitted that I have an eating disorder. I have finally realized that this has never been about the food. It is about some deep wombs and some very ugly truths I have about myself that have been forming in me since an adolescent. It is about going back, grieving for that girl and moving on. I know that as hard as this is on me and my family it is going to be worth so much more once I am on the other side of this very difficult journey.

Tuesdays Suck

2009-07-08T20:16:00.000-06:00

I have now come to HATE Tuesdays with a passion. I was talking to my therapist at Renfrew about this today and she asked why I hated Tuesdays more than any of the other days that I go there. I explained to her that on the other days I felt like we just touched the surface but on Tuesdays I had to feel. I hate feeling and would rather eat then feel. Something about being in that room on Tuesday nights talking about triggers and the emotions and behaviors that follow just really gets to me. Suddenly I am not the 35 year old professional but rather a 6 year old little girl. I love and hate talking about therapy. I love it because so many people have told me that they have learned from me when I share things that I have learned. Many of the things apply rather you have an eating disorder or not. I hate therapy because I hate going back and talking about and feeling the crap that happened. I never want anyone to think I am wanting symphathy because that is not it, rather I am trying to go back in time and prove that I can live thru it and come out unscathed.

Tuesdays make me realize that this whole thing is not about food. For the last 13 years I have continally chased being thin. I have either worked out several times a day every day, purged, taken laxatives or just done the complete opposite and did nothing but eat. I thought all along that being thin was the key and that food was the enemy. Tuesdays have taught me that Food and God are really the only two things that have gotten me thru very hard points in my life. I now know that this is so much deeper then food and that is what hurts. My heart is heavy for the little girl whos dad drank to much and did who knows what to hurt her. My heart hurts for the step dad that left in the middle of the afternoon without even saying goodbye. I hate that my mom was an alcoholic for several years. It is only thru my kids that I can see that this isn't fair and that I didn't deserve any of it. I see my kids in thier innocence and the stability that I have tried so hard to give them and I know that it isn't fair. Once again, I am not reaching out for symphathy just trying so hard to understand this whole thing and get rid of all the core beliefs that I have about myself. The verbal abuse and all the attention that was focused on looks while I was growing up is something that doesn't easily go away.

Someone told me the other day that I was a control freak! Really you think so? Of course I am and that is because for many formative years NOTHING was in my control. Of course I try like heck to control things now but what most people don't know is that it is exhausting to do this. Everyday I try to control things that are so far out of my control and then am constantly disappointed because I can never control things to the degree of perfection that I want to. It wears a person out. It is a family joke that I wanted the Leave it to Beaver life. Once again I don't think people realize how self-destructive it has been for me to chase after that non-existent family.

I am so grateful that my mother found the strength to chose life over alcohol. I dont' condem or judge or for what she did becase I have done the exact same thing except with food. I hate that my father has yet to find the courage to stop drinking while even on his death bed. I can't imagine that reality is worse then the hell that he chooses to live in.

Mike has been incredibly supportive throughout this journey and I am so grateful that he has held on thru this crazy ride of life. We have grown closer in the last three weeks as he has been much more help around the house and with the kids. Probably because I never allowed him to help before. He is proving to me that he can take care of us.

Just some random thoughts for the night.

God Bless

Eating disorders

2009-07-01T04:50:00.000-06:00

Last night was the toughest night by far. I had many thoughts come to mind that helped make this whole thing make sense to me. While I don't think it is fair to post all of it in detail because of my family I want to say that I understand now that an eating disorder serves a purpose. Often it is a person crying out for help. I think in my part it serves many purposes-the main one being that if I fail at something or someone doesn't like me I can blame it on being fat and disgusting, or maybe if Mike were to ever leave me I could blame it on the fat. I think that I feel disgusting on the inside due to many past life events and that I have been trying to match the outside to it just to prove to people that they are right and that I was not adequate.

Out patient is so hard because you get the break through and then it is time to go home it is like the pain is so raw and you have to leave with it.

Tonight I couldn't finish my meal because I had a lump in my throat I couldn't get the food through-believe me that was a first for me.

Anyhow just wanted to post real quickly-off to work

Random weekend ramblings

2009-06-27T22:10:00.002-06:00

We just got back from Atlant this evening. Over all we had a great time. The room at the Hyatt that I scored for $90.00 was probably the nicest room we have ever stayed in. It even beat the Omni in San Diego. Trey and I didn't get to watch any of the Braves game as Tyler decided he wasn't going to sit still so Trey and I literally walked around the ball park with him the entire time. It was some good time spent with Trey. I am going to miss him next week while he is at camp.

About my last post. Mike and I have talked alot about this over the weekend and perhaps people have always loved me unconditionally for the most part. I think that most of the stipulations that I feel are put on me by me. I often think that if I could just be a better wife, if I was prettier, thinner, or if I was a better mom, perhaps more fun etc then the people closest to me would love me more. I don't think that is the case. I think that they love me for who I am and I just have to learn to love me...

I did pretty good all weekend until we got home tonight. I got stressed out at Walmart because Tyler was in rare form and then Conner lost the Red Box movie he had gotten he finally found it in a shelf in the store but it was a long trip to the store at 9:30 at night. I grabbed a candy bar on the way out and then got into the boys candy when we got home. I realized what I was doing and just tried to sit and relax. I have noticed that Mike has been helping out more lately this week and that we are communicating better as well.

I am trying to trust my body when my mind doesn't tell me that I am full. It is very uncomfortable for me to not be stuffed. I am trying to learn that I won't starve and that I can always have something else if I have to but to try to trust that the feeling of emptiness will go away if I have eaten a well balanced meal. I have always felt like I needed to eat everything in case we ran out of food or something happened. I honestly start to panic when I get hungry-it is not a feeling I am comfortable with at all.

I am praying that my insurance will contine to let me stay in outpatient. I thought it was all taken care of but this weekend I got a letter that they only approved six visits. I am enrolled in the program for six weeks. I guess I will just pray that they will work it out.

Need to get to bed just wanted to post

One week down

2009-06-25T20:34:00.000-06:00

So I have officially completed my first week of IOP program. I am so full of emotion and thoughts that I can't really get it all out but I have a few things I want to share. I went on Monday and left not being real sure if that was the place for me. I didn't struggle w/ eating and purging, I didn't struggle w/ not being able to eat. My issue was not being able to stop and because of that I physically look different than the other girls. Tuesday I told my counselor that the program was ridiculous and that I didn't belong there and what I needed was some counseling and a good diet. She begged me to leave my diet, restrict mentality at the door for two months and to continue to come and told me my body would find its natural weight. I told her that I thought she was telling me to accept myself as Fat and I would never do that. I went ahead and went that night and was able to open up a little bit to the ladies in the room. I left feeling pretty good. Wednesday we had a free night and so when I went back tonight I was a little reluctant. I met w/ my counselor again before program and told her I really didn't think it was the place for me. I figured the girls were looking at me and were disgusted because I am fat and that is what caused them to get thier eating disorders in the begining. She told me I didn't have a clue and dared me to go in the room and tell them that. I told her that I couldn't because they would kick my tail for not taking there disorder seriously. I told her I didnt' get how they thought they were fat because they are all gorgeous. I am not kidding there really isn't a plain looking woman in that room. I went ahead and went to the program and somehow w/in the first twenty minutes I blurted out that I didn't think I belonged because I was fat and that I represented everything that they didn't want to be. I told them I was sorry but that I spent the whole hours wanting to be them wanting to be thin like them. Those girls...they were so good to me and explained that the shame, guilt and anger that I experience when I go on a binge is the same exact feelings they get and that the issue isn't weight it is the feelings. Dealing with the feelings that is. They validated me, they made me feel safe and comfortable and the funny thing is I didn't want to leave. I wanted to stay, I wanted to stay where everyone understood what I was saying, where I could see a bit of myself in the eyes of every woman in that room. Where I was accepted and liked and dare I say loved just for being me. There were no strings attached. They don't even know me. They don't know if I am a good mother, a good employee, a good friend or a good wife. All they know is that I struggle in the same way that they do. They know that I am willing to go in and bare my soul and have blind faith that they won't abuse that or use it to harm me. They know that I am me-imperfections and all and they still want me to come back. They like me because I am me.

Here we go..

2009-06-22T07:27:00.000-06:00

So today is the day that I start my IOP program for people with body image/eating disorders. I got up this morning and wrote out a menu for Mike for the days that I will be gone this week (It is every Monday, Tuesday and Thursday) from 5-8 so I won't be home until close to 9 on those nights and leave my house at 6AM every morning. I am in for some long days :) I browned hamburger and prepared meals that he could just pop in the microwave. Once I had all that done I had some nervous energy and had some time to think about what I was getting ready to embark on. All weekend I had a little bit of sadness and kept feeling like it was my last weekend. I really couldn't figure out why I was getting so sentimential but then I realized it is my last weekend. My last weekend of my old self. I got to thinking about it this morning and started getting cold feet. I thought I could really just not show up because I could just deal w/ it on my own and things weren't really that bad. I was trying to reason in my head that it was ok to skip it tonight and just keep on living as I have been. I then remembered that the defination of insanity is doing the same thing over and over thinking you will get differnt results. I want to be different so badly and know that I must do this in order to make those changes. My Jesus Calling book today said alot of things but one thing it said that made me stop in my tracks was...You are on the brink of rebellion, precariously close to shaking your fist in my face. You are tempted to indulge in just a little complaining aboy my treatment of you. But once you step over that line, torrents of rage and self pity can sweep you away the best protection against the indulgence is thanksgiving. It is impossible to thank me and curse me at the same time.
Thanking me for trials will feel awkward and contrived at first. But if you persist, your thankful words, prayed in faith will eventually make a difference in your heat. Thankfullnes awakens you to my presence which over shadows all your problems.

So...I am thanking God right now for all of this. I am thanking him for bringing me to the point of knowing I need help and giving me the courage to go seek it no matter how selfish I feel doing it. I am going to reveal in Thankfulness and know that when I step thru those doors tonight, scared, weak and humbled that he will be right there by my side.

I am also going to try to post positives thru out this journey and one thing that I was so proud of was that Saturday I went to Conners baseball party. It was so hard as there were lots of very thin moms swimming in bikinis and normally I would have been intimidated and hated every moment of it but I was determined not to fall into that same pattern. I actually had a nice time which meant Mike and the kids had a good time :) And then Sunday we went to camp widjiwagon for family day. I actually had decided I was wearing my suit and getting in the water w/ the boys and going to play and have a good time. We all had alot of fun and I was so glad that I was able to put my self-consciousnes to the side and have fun. We made some great memories.

God Bless you all.

Fear not

2009-06-15T13:01:00.001-06:00

Yesterday I was driving down the road thinking about Fathers Day and how quickly it was approaching. I am a little nervous as this is Mike's first Fathers day without his father. I am not sure how to help him thru it. I was getting teary thinking about it and I spoke out loud saying God it is so wrong that you took his father away from him. I was quickly reminded that God doesn't make mistakes. I had to find some solace in that fact. I have been thinking about how quickly that thought came to mind and how really it carries to every aspect of our life. When we spend time wishing things were different or being afraid we are missing out on seeing God right there beside us. He promises to never forsake us and that we have nothing to fear as he will never leave us. What a freeing thought that could be and how different our lives have the potential to be if we can just start living in the moment with God. I for one spend so much time worrying about things and knowing full well that God already knows the outsome and so my worrying does nothing but cause me physical stress. If I could just remember that he is in the moment with me and that there is no reason to fear. God doesn't make mistakes-what a freeing thought.

Happy Birthday Tyler

2009-06-03T06:12:00.004-06:00

A year ago today I was sitting in the triage room at Baptist Hospital. I had gone to the hospital with the hopes of being induced. My Dr. and I had a plan. I found out a few hours later that I was going to deliver Tyler Jackson Sallee that day via C-Section. He was born at 10:40AM weighing 9.6lbs and was 20 inches long. I feel in love with him the moment that I saw him. There was something about him that made people gravitate towards him. Even the nurses commented on it several times. I had no idea how that little boy was going to change our family dynamics. I immediately saw a different side of my oldest son as he grew before my eyes and assumed the role of protector for Tyler. When Tyler was in the incubator for his Jaundice it broke Treys heart. I was so impressed with Trey's immediate compassion for Tyler. We only got to see him for 30 minutes every 3 hours to feed him. Trey got to feed him during one of those periods and I knew then what a great big brother he would be. Conner who had always been my baby was so nervous around Tyler for the first few weeks that he made Tyler nervous and Tyler would cry everytime Conner went to hold him. One day I realized that when Trey wasn't around Conner was quick to step into the big brother role to Tyler with all of the confidence in the world. I don't think Tyler has a clue how these two boys fell in love with him from the moment they saw him. To this date they marvel at everything Tyler can do and are so proud of his accomplishements. They are two of his biggest supporters. I loved seeing the tender side of Mike, the side that was in awe of God's miracle. For so long I had only seen the rough side of Mike that would wrestle w/ the boys and play tough. I had forgotten that Mike had a completely different nuturing side to him as well. I couldn't do it without Mike. I lean on him and look for his support now more than ever and he never fails to be there. He has yet to let me down. My boys are very lucky to have him as a father.

I can't wait to see what God has in store for this little guy. He is loved by so many and I think God is going to do great things with him. It is amazing to think that God formed him in my womb just as he wanted him and that God knows what he will be doing years from now.

Tyler Jackson Sallee....Mommy loves you and thanks God for you every day. You definately filled a spot in my heart that I didn't know was empty.

Once my baby always my baby

2009-05-31T20:51:00.003-06:00

I bet you thought this post would be about Tyler. Fooled you. I had to take a moment and share something that happened this weekend that melted my heart. Mike and Conner had plans to work at the concession stand on Saturday night from 5-9. Trey and I talked about running errands in Murfreesboro to get ready for Tylers birthday party this coming weekend. Mike and Conner left to go to the park and Trey came down and told me that his friend had called and asked him to spend the night. I said oh ok do I need to take you or they coming to pick you up. Trey answered that he had told his friend that he couldn't go because he was spending some quality time with his mother. I said did you really tell him that and Trey said sheepishly no..I just said I couldn't come over. I asked him why he didn't go and told him Tyler and I would just play for the evening. Trey said that he didn't want to go becuase he had been away from home the last two nights and wanted to spend time with me. We had a great time. We went out to eat and to some stores. Of course Trey scored a brand new pair of tennis shoes before the night was over. I loved when I pulled into the house and Trey said mom this was really fun. I told him that I never did anything in my life to deserve such a great kid and that I hoped he knew how much I loved him. I love when we are in the car together it is really our time to talk and catch up with each other. He is a great kid and I am super proud of him.

Prayer works

2009-05-27T20:43:00.003-06:00

I almost forgot that I had to share this story with you. Friday we were waiting to see if Mike's truck was going to be back in time for our annual Memorial day camping trip to Barren River. It was getting down to the wire when they called and said it would be ready. I took Mike to get his truck and then went and picked Trey and Tyler up from school and daycare. When we got home Mike was working on hooking the camper up to the truck. I could see he was having some problems with the break lights on the camper working. He asked Trey to come out and see if he could help him. Trey came back about ten minutes later just shaking his head. I asked Trey if Mike was able to get the lights working and he said no. I asked if Mike was mad and Trey responded that was an understatement. I then asked Trey if Mike was cursing. Trey said oh yeah. Trey sat down and we just looked at each other like great weekend this is starting out to be. I asked Trey if he thought we should pray for the lights to start working. Trey said I don't know. I told him I would pray. I told him first I had to repent of my sins and then my prayer went something like this. "Dear God if it is your will I pray that you will allow Mike's lights to start working on the camper. If it is your will that they work I pray that you will allow Mike to get rid of the anger and just come in and ask if we are ready to go. I pray that he will be able to relax and forget how mad he has been and we can all have a great weekend. If it is not your will to fix the lights I pray that you will give Mike and the rest of us peace with not going camping and allow us another way to have fun this weekend." I had just barely opened my eyes when Mike came thru the door asking if I was ready to go. I said are the lights working and he said Yep they just started working. I wish everyone could have seen the look on Trey's face. I promise you that his jaw dropped and he just started laughing hysterically. Mike was confused by this sudden outburst of laughter so we had to explain what we had just prayed. I LOVE when God works like that. He loves to suprise us with his timing and I loved that Trey was around to witness that first hand.

Today at work a girl was very upset because she had lost a funding package. I asked her if she had prayed about it and she said not yet. I told her about the story of the brake lights and said why don't you pray about the package. It wasn't 5 minutes later when she came in w/ the package and said I just prayed about it and then without even asking anyone here if they had seen it a co-worker walked up to her out of the blue and said are you looking for this. That is what I mean. Nothing and I mean NOTHING is to small to ask God for help with. I can't tell you the countless amt of times I have dropped something and couldn't find it and asked God for the ability to find it and suddenly it is right there. Our God has a great sense of humor and it amazes me how much easier things would be if we could condition ourselves to seek him first.

I love that God of ours.

Stood up

2009-05-27T20:32:00.002-06:00

So today I leave work a little early to go to my counseling appointment. I wait for about 20 minutes when finally someone comes out to see if I have been helped. I tell them no and that I had an appointment at 1:30 with ________ the receptionist then tells me that _____________had called in sick today and she was sorry that noone had called me. Good thing I wasn't nearing a nervous breakdown. That is kind of like calling the suicide hot line and being placed on hold. I guess I will take that $25.00 co-pay that I saved today and go buy something nice.

I got a call this weekend that my father was in the hospital and my grandfather thought his organs were shutting down. Boy did that throw me for a loop. All the anger kind of melted away at my father and I was able to see him for the poor pathetic weak person that he is. I hate that he doesnt' have the courage to face reality because I think that true reality could never be as harsh as his fear of it. I think he would be amazed at the relationship that he could have with my brother and I if he could just put away the bottle. I feel such sadness knowing that this man could possibly die without ever getting to know his grandchildren or knowing how great my brother and I turned out. My father is a good person that just made some bad choices in his life. I spoke to my father and let him know that I did love him but that I had to seperate from the alcohol and if he was able to pull out of this and ever get himself sober I would be there with open arms. I can forgive him for all of the past and that is such a freeing feeling.

I learned over this weekend that I allow people to disapoint me because I expect them to. Mostly I am referring to Mike. I am so hard on him and have yet to understand what he sees in me. I can almost see the hurt or frustration in his eyes when I ask him if he did something and the answer isn't what I want. Nine times out of ten what I am upset about is no big deal at all. I am going to work on not having any expectations. I think that will work out much better for me.

See I counseled myself this week and saved the $25.00 now what to do with it???

On the way to freedom

2009-05-22T10:55:00.000-06:00

I had my first counseling session yesterday and I know without a doubt that I am on my way to freedom. My counselor in the first hour was able to say some things that made so much sense to me. She explained how I self destruct with food. We don't know the reason that I do that yet but I know that we will figure it out before the journey is over. One thing she told me is that I am afraid to say what I need to say because of the consequences. So instead I eat to stuff the words I want to say deep down inside. Boy just her saying that defined so many of the relationships that I have with people in my life. She hit the nail right on the head. I think even as a child I wanted so badly to tell the people that hurt me by thier alcoholisim or abandonment just how bad they hurt me or how mad I was or embarrassed I was by them but I was afraid to because the bottom line was they were my caretakers and if I made them mad who would take care of me?

It is truly amazing the way that our past can shape who we are but only we have the ability to change it and I firmly believe that change is possible.

I just had a moment to blog but wanted to get that partial thought out there :)

What is going on in thier little minds??

2009-05-19T20:34:00.000-06:00

Today Conner asked me a question that has left me wondering what was he thinking about?? He asked me if you are a grandpa and your sons son dies are you still a grandpa? Heavy stuff for a 4th grader to be thinking about don't you agree? I wasn't sure how to answer. I told him I thought you would still be a grandpa, you might not have your grandchild anymore but would probably still feel like a grandfather. I know that if something happened to my children I might not technically be a mother still but I know that nothing could ever make me feel like I wasn't a mom anymore.

On to lighter things....I sure made my kids mad today. I have been counting down with them since last Friday telling them that this coming Friday was thier last day of school. Conner even came home last week and told me that the teacher said they had two more weeks. I convinced him that he misunderstood the teacher and that teachers had to go a little longer but that they for sure got out the Friday before Memorial Day. Today I realized...drum roll please....I was WRONG!!! They do go to school for 3 days next week. I sure didn't win any popularity contest with either boy when I let them know this.

Just had a quick moment to blog...would love to know the strangest question your child has ever asked you :)

Trying to find the calm in crazy

2009-05-18T10:02:00.003-06:00

What a beautiful Monday the Lord has blessed us with today. I have my windows open and am cleaning house while Tyler takes a quick nap. He has to be tired as he learned to walk this weekend and was walking all over this morning. I think he might need a safety helmet before long.

I took Mikes mom to the airport this morning. I must say that God really spoke to me during church yesterday and I finally realized what pressure Mike must have on him being the only son and being so far away from his mother. I know that he feels an incredible pressure to take care of her. She told Mike this trip that they found a lump in her breast and she had it biopsied. She will find out the results on Wednesday. My grandmother just went thru this and it came back fine so I am praying that Mike's mom will recieve the same good news.

I have been binge eating more than normal the last couple days. I think it is because I go for my counseling session on Thursday and then before long will begin the outpaitent rehab program. I think I have a fear that they will take away my food which has been my coping mechanisim for so long. I am just praying that I can turn to the Lord during this time. Funny how I considered food my friend and it helped me thru so many stressful periods when in reality it was harming me. Why is it sometimes easier to turn to food then it is to turn to God? It should be simple and yet it isn't.

Yesterday was an incredible time at church watching the graduates and just listening to the youth paster. I found myself getting teary eyed and told Mike I was quite the sap these days. One thing I love about church is worship. I love how God allows me to sing out loud and praise him and for some reason I am able to beleive that my singing is good during church but after church it is a whole different story. I am thankful that he allows me to be uninhibited during praise. I love it.

I also had another wake up call yesterday. I had a childhood friend that was rather mean to me one time during a sleep away camp. I wet the bed and she nickmnamed me BW for bed wetter and it has stayed with me for a very long time. In fact I had a hard time sending my boys away to sleep away camp for fear of them having someone be ugly to them when I wasn't there to defend them. For all these years I have carried those silly two letters (BW) with me and allowed it to fester deep down inside me. I found out yesterday that this girl had passed away in 2001. It was the strangest feeling to me. For one I am incredibly saddened for her family to have lost her at such a young age. I can't imagine the pain and agony that they went thru and probably continue to go thru. Secondly I can't believe how I allowed that to continue to stay with me and this person isn't even alive any more. That was a really weird realization. God wants to take our hurt away from us if we will just pray for it and I think this taught me an important lesson. I have carried this with me since I was about 12 years old instead of just turning it over to him and letting him carry the burden for me. I also had to think about all the times I was mean to someone when in grade school or school in general-Girls can be so mean and I was no different although I hate to admit that. I hope that noone I was mean to is still carrying it around but the chances are it did affect at least one person in some way. Good lesson learned...

Anticipation

2009-05-17T13:22:00.000-06:00

Where to start? Mikes mom is in town this weekend and we were hoping she would get to watch Conner play three baseball games while here. So far all of them have been rained out but we are hoping the rain stays away for tonight so she can watch him before she leaves tomorrow.

Conner came home with two medals friday. He got one for his grades and the 2nd one was for the best boy athlete in 4th grade. Let me just put the speculation to rest...no he did not get that from me..I know you are shocked but I am not an athlete. I will give credit to his daddy and the Lord for his natural talent in sports. Things come so easy to him in sports that it is sickening to me.

We are getting ready for Tylers 1st birthday party and that is so hard to believe. A year ago I was on bed rest at this time with high blood pressure and now a year later I am celebrating life with Tyler.

I have made a difficult decision. I am going to be participating in an Intensive Out Patient program for people with eating disorders. I went last Monday and they put you through a very thorough three hour session to determine if I had an eating disorder and if so what the best form of treatment would be. They decided that I did ( I had known this since highschool) and that the best treatment would be three hours a night three nights a week. I am going for my first counseling session on Thursday and then they will start integrating me into the outpatient program. I am very nervous as it is going to be hard for me to be away from my family for that long in the evenings. I know I will feel guilty that Mike will be taking care of them by himself after working all day. I hate that I am putting him in that situation but know how important it is for my long term health and am so grateful for his support. I pray that I can work on myself and not worry about the added pressure on him or I am likely to stop going. I already told them I had trouble w/ committment and that the 6-8 week timeline freaked me out. I am nervous that I will be the only bing eater there. We will have a meal together and I picture all the anorexic people there not wanting to eat thier food while I am wanting to lick thier plates clean. They have teamed me up with a trauma counselor that I am grateful for. They think that while they are making me deal with some issues without turning to food it might get a little stressful but they have promised to walk the journey with me. I am thankful that God led me to this point. I know that God will not forsake me and that he will bring me out on the otherside mentally and physically a stronger person. I know God never promised for it to be easy just to not leave us along the way. I am looking forward to Thursday with anticipation.

Mothers Day

2009-05-11T14:15:00.001-06:00

What made Mothers day great for me? It wasn't the dozen roses that I found next to my bed when I woke up that morning. Although they are beautiful and I gratefully appreciate them it was all the other things that I got to do with my family and that they did with me. We went to church and then to watch Conner play ball. His team won pretty easily and are now undefeated having won the last 7 games. After that we all hung out at the house and then went back to the ball park to watch a friends son play. We came home and Mike installed a second peep whole for his short wife so that I could see without trying to jump off the bottom step and catch a glimpse on my way down. He also replaced the hinges on my cabinets and we bought new faucets for the bathroom that he installed. He is no handy man so the fact that he attempted and was sucessful in all these things shows me he loves me. Conner vacummed the stairs for me. I had to walk behind him and carry the sweeper so it defeated the purpose but it was important to him to do it so I let him. he then made an airplane out of a twenty dollar bill and threw it over the balcony to me.With a note saying he loved me. I of course gave it back to him. Trey helped around the house and it was nice. I loved watching them play outside with friends in the beautiful weather. I am so glad that God chose those three boys for me. I love them with all of my heart and love being thier mother :)

Manic Monday

2009-05-11T08:09:00.002-06:00

Last week was love on your kids Monday and today has started off as Manic Monday. I had just come upstairs this morning to upload some pictures that we took on Mothers day and to talk about what a great day we had yesterday when the phone rang...it was Mike telling me that he had wrecked his truck and was in a ditch and needed me to come right away. I had told Trey that I would take him to school today so we could hang out for a few extra minutes but when I got the call from Mike I jumped in the car dropped Trey off at school and headed out. Mike had told me he was on one road and I couldn't find him anywhere. I called him back and he still didn't say what road he was on but that he was by the white church. I called my good friend JaNeil who always sees Mike on the way into work to find out how she came to work. Funny how she knew something about my husband that I didn't :) It was so surreal as I drove down the road and thought I saw Mikes truck but the front KU license tag was missing and he was parked behind a locked gate. I thought that must not be him and kept driving. Something told me it was him even thought I didn't understand it so I turned back around. Sure enough it was Mike. I was so confused until I got out of the car and saw the skid marks all the way across the road and that a good portion of the farmers fence had been flattened when Mike drove right thru it. I was so grateful that God had been watching over Mike. Mike is pretty torn up over his truck and the possibility of it not being fixed in time to go camping on Memorial day but I dont' care about any of that. I truly don't. When I saw the damage that was done to the farmers fence and the drop off on the other side of the road I remembered how fragile life is and that we only have today. We get so caught up in fancy items, vehicles, houses, clothes all that silly stuff and I know that without my husband here I wouldn't be happy with any of it. I am so glad that God was watching out for him today.

Now I am off to the grocery with Tyler but stay tuned for posts from Mothers day :)

Lisa

Love on your kids Mondays.

2009-05-04T09:18:00.002-06:00

Not sure why but lately I have been feeling very sentimental. Maybe it is because Tyler will be celebrating his 1 year birthday in less than a month. Maybe it is because Trey will be an Eigth grader next year or perhaps because Conner will be in his last year of elementary school next year. I am not sure of the reason but as I sit here and type this Tyler is upstairs napping. I look at that little boy and I could just cry. He brings out so much emotion in me and I love him to pieces. I look at Trey and Conner and am so proud of the men that they are becoming. Conner has a true love for God in his heart that keeps me accountable when I don't want to get out of bed to go to church and for that I am thankful. Trey is so considerate of others and has a heart full of compassion. I will be blessed if Tyler turns out half as good as these two boys. I have a neighbor that is the middle of adopting. Her journey has yet to assign her a child but God knows who she is. I am praying for her to have a name and a face. I think I am as excited for her to bring home her baby as she is. Well, probably not..but maybe a close second or third. I think when you wait awhile to have another child you cherish it more. You know how fragile those moments are and you don't rush them like you do with your older children. I am praying for all the babies that don't have mammas. Every time Tyler raises his arms up for me to hold him it makes me think of the babies that don't know that if they raise thier hands up someone will come. Sure they have care takers but noone that is soley thiers. Noone that will be there for them for the rest of thier lives. It breaks my heart knowing that those kids will never know the smile that a mother can bring to thier face. That they will never have a mother to read them a bed time story. You get the point. I am not sure why God has put this on my heart and I have basically begged him to remove it from my heart. I will be honest. This is not a road I want to go down right now. I don't want to adopt. I don't want another baby right now. Financially we are doing better than ever before and our house is full. I can't stop the feeling though that there is a reason that I am feeling this way. Maybe I am meant to go on a mission trip and visit the kids? Only God knows the reason. I do ask that you pray for the orphans though and pray for my friend Kelly as she might know something a little more concrete with in the next two weeks.

What makes you feel special?

2009-04-30T06:15:00.003-06:00

This post is going to sound very materialistic and in a way I suppose it is. I work in a very affluent city. Many of the people where I work drive fancy cars and every street corner is filled with the top dollar vehicles. I have been driving a completely paid for Nissan Quest for the last 6 years. Mike and I strive to save our money to pay cash for most purchases and refuse to have a car payment that is over $250.00. I have been embarrassed of my van for quite some time. I even started not taking care of the inside of it because I didn't like the way the outside looked so I guess I just stopped trying. I recently purchased a new vehicle. It is not a fancy one nor is it a high dollar vehicle like those that my co-workers drive yet it is very nice to me and I love it. I have noticed how special I feel in it, how I feel like I belong or have as much right to be somewhere now as someone else. Now before you condemn me I am sure you have all felt the same way about a new haircut, a new shirt, your favorite pair of jeans. Often it is the material things that make us feel so special. WHY??

Knowing we are children of God should be enough. It should make us feel as if we belong or that we are special. We should take care of our insides by feeding it doctrine no matter what condition our outsides are in. Why is it that we spend tons of money on the outward appearances when God has provided us with all the free doctrine that we need?

Just a quick post but with a powerful message. Something to reflect on.

Seeing thru God's eyes

2009-04-26T10:38:00.002-06:00

Today I took my baby to the nursery at church for the first time. Up until now I have been taking him to the service with me but he really doesn't like to be held for very long anymore so I figured it was time to take the trek down the preschool hall and drop him off. I had tears in my eyes as I left him-it never gets easier even with him being my third child to leave them in someone elses care for the first time. I prayed that he would feel God looking over him as we left him there and went to service. After service I picked him up and the girls told me how much they loved the spot on his head. It seems like lately every time I take him to anywhere someone comments on how his hair grows dark out of his mole on his head. I promise you that we had three ball games this weekend and someone mentioned it at every game that we were at. I get tired of telling the whole story about how for months I wouldn't let my self finish his room because I thought that he was going to be taken from me due to complications of his spot. I know just smile and say yes he was born with that, yes it is natural and I think that is where God kissed him in the womb. It is exhausting at times how everyone notices it. My son Trey and I were talking about it Saturday on the way to the ball game about how we want to tell everyone that it isn't cool and we wish he wasn't going to have to have surgery and we wish they would just stop talking about it.

NOW for the title of this post...it wasn't until after church today when I was folding clothes and thinking about the service I had just left when it hit me like a lightning bolt...everyone and I mean everyone that comments on Tylers spot ALWAYS says that they love the spot on his head. They all say how cool they think it is. I have to believe that they are telling me the truth because if they didn't why would they mention it at all to me. If they thought it was gross or ugly they would probably just talk about it behind my back. I have seen people with birthmarks before or a strange characteristic and thought that it was just that..strange. I have never thought it was cool or felt like I needed to comment to people about it. I really think that God has people continually comment on it to reassure me that he is in control and that he is taking something that has bothered Mike and I and allowing people to see it thru his eyes. I love my God and I love how he continally reminds me that he is right there by me. I love that he loves me unconditionally and I love that he formed Tyler in my womb by purpose, nothing about Tyler is an accident. I love that..

2009-04-20T07:06:00.001-06:00

Happy birthday to the love of my life. I love birthdays and wake Mike up every year with a birthday doughnut and candles. I asked him today if he thought we would be 97 and I would be still doing that. I told him I might have trouble w/ the cane and the plate. My mom always had a birthday doughnut for me and it is a tradition that I hope my boys do for my grandkids. I love that Mike plays along even though I know he thinks I am silly. I love him so much and am so proud to be part of his birthday celebration.

Mike may have been right

2009-04-19T14:19:00.002-06:00

I hate when Mike is right...Can anyone relate to hating when thier husbands are right? I know someone in cyberspace is feeling my pain right now. Mike hates when I buy the boys new toys as he thinks they have enough. I on the other hand love to buy them toys. One thing I secretly enjoy is buying Tyler a toy that he loves and then Mike thinks it is cute to watch him play with it and I can say see aren't you glad I bought that toy-he really enjoys it. That back fired on me today as suddenly everything became the walk behind toy Look below and you will see what I mean..

Look I am walking

2009-04-19T14:18:00.000-06:00

2009-04-19T14:17:00.000-06:00

2009-04-19T14:16:00.001-06:00

I will be lucky if I don't have a bar stool go through the glass door before the weekend is over

Walking makes me tired

2009-04-19T14:13:00.002-06:00

Love Saturdays

2009-04-18T21:01:00.000-06:00

What a wonderful day God blessed us with today. The weather couldn't have been more perfect. The weather men said it was going to rain tonight but I guess that God had other plans. We got up this morning early-6:30 to be exact and got Tyler up and ran to the store. We then picked Trey up from a friends house and came back home. Trey, Tyler and I ran some errands while Conner and Mike were at baseball practice. When they got home Mike and I drove to a couple of nearby campgrounds. I love going on drives with him just to look around at things. My favorite part of the day was when we all just hung out in the front yard. I had bought Tyler a walk behind toy at a consignment store today. We all had so much fun watching him walk behind it in the front yard. He would get going so fast that his little legs couldn't keep up. I never tire of watching the rest of my family with Tyler. Mike is so good to him and the boys adore him. We had so much fun laying in the grass pretending to be asleep and Tyler would crawl on us and we would pretend to wake up. He laughed and laughed and laughed. I live for these carefree relaxing days as they don't come very often.

I ordered a car to be shipped here from Virginia. I hope that I like it otherwise I have wasted the $150.00 to have it transferred here. I guess that will be my mothers day, birthday and Christmas present for the next year. I am so proud of Mike and I as we have saved up enough money to a big chunk of it down as a down payment. We have really tried hard to teach the boys how important it is to save until you can afford to pay cash for something and how if you have a loan on something then you don't really own it the bank does. We are pretty open with them about money and I hope that it is a lesson that they will take with them when they leave to make homes of thier own.

Speaking of birthdays..Mike's birthday is Monday and I have nothing for him yet. I have no clue what to get him and this is one of the first birthdays that I haven't thrown him a party. We have just been so busy with Tyler.

Well the news is on and I need to get to bed.

God Bless

Can't take back the words....

2009-04-17T14:48:00.000-06:00

Ever have one of those days where you wish you could just sew your lips shut?? Today was one of those days for me. I sometimes don't realize when I am kidding w/ the boys how seriously they take me. Yesterday Conner brought home his report card-he had gotten straight A's for the 3rd time this year. We were looking at his report card and I jokingly told Trey that Conner was the smart kid. I was just teasing and honestly didn't mean it...Today Trey came home very upset. I asked him why and he said I got a C. I said well lets take a look at it. He was torn up and I asked him why he was so upset and he said because Conner makes all A's. I had to remind Trey that Conner was in 4th grade and Trey was in 7th. It broke my heart to see Trey so upset and wish he wasn't so hard on himeself and that he could see himself through my eyes so he would know just how spectacular I think he is. This taught me a good lesson today to be very careful when joking around as words hurt worse than punches sometimes and I don't want to do that to my kids.

Back to reality

2009-03-30T06:37:00.000-06:00

We are back from San Diego. What an amazing trip. I don't think you can visit that area and not be in awe over what God has blessed us with. The scenery was amazing. One direction you had the ocean and the other the mountains. I couldn't help but thank God for caring so much about us that he gave us that beautiful environment to visit. I had visions of him smiling as he painted the canvas, adding all the green grass, the amazing blue water and the moutains that seemed to go on forever.

We had a wonderful time and I hated to come home. The ironic thing to me was that we spent quite a bit of money on this vacation and the thing that the boys enjoyed the most was playing in this little park next to the harbor. The grass was so soft and green there that people would just lay down on it and take a nap. The boys loved to play tag in the park and climb the tree's that were there. I found myself smiling as I was getting ready one day while we were there. It takes alot for Mike to say that he had a really good time somewhere, he just doesn't get excited about vacations like I do. I on the other hand am always a little disappointed because I get so excited and sometimes the WOW factor falls a little short of how I thought the trip might go. My kids are such a blessing from God and do such a great job of keeping me in check. While we were there Conner kept talking about how he liked the trash cans (they were actually recyclable containers w/ dividers :)) Trey was amazed by the three sided fire hydrants. It was a good reminder to me to not overlook the small things when searching for the bigger things.

I could go on and on about the amazing things that we got to do or see but I think I hear Tyler stirring and I am anxious to spend the day w/ him before I have to go back to work. We bought him an infant swing last night and put on the swingset. It just made me smile this morning when I got up and saw it. I can't wait to push him in it.

Have a great day.

Rambling

2009-03-16T17:33:00.000-06:00

Not much to say but haven't posted in awhile. Had two things to share 1) I found this new company out of New York that makes wonderful single b-day cakes. I sent one to Mike's mom for her birthday and she loved it. I have already ordered one for my brothers birthday later this month. It is only 19.99 which includes shipping and handling and according to Mike's mom they are really good. Check out this site www.bakemeawish.com I just think B-day cakes are a fun thing to give as when you get older people don't usually get cakes. I always loved Birthday cake on my special day.

The second thing I found funny is that I have a cold. I have been trying to get everyone well for a trip to San Diego at the end of this week and I woke up today feeling rotten. The funny thing is I wanted Tyler to take a nap so bad and although he was in a great mood I was really wanting to sleep. As we were sitting there on the floor a commercial came on for Baby Alive. It is this baby doll that comes with a medicine spoon so you can give your baby medicine and a thermometer that shows that she has a temperature. I started laughing thinking about how all I wanted when I was growing up was to be a mom and have this baby to take care of-then on days like today I just want a little break. What great timing God had in showing me that commercial. It was a gentle reminder to hang on to the dreams of your childhood and remember that this is what you wanted. The good, the bad and the ugly. I am so blessed to have three children that I think are great and I wouldn't trade them for the world. I did get a little nap and after a walk w/ Mike I plan on taking some medicine and going to bed. He can take care of the kiddo's and live out my dream for awhile :)

Have a great day.

SOOO BLESSED

2009-02-28T22:34:00.000-06:00

I really don't have anything to post but my heart is so full of God's blessings in my life that I want to shout out loud. Tonight we watched FireProof for the 3rd time with some friends of ours, it was amazing to share that movie with them but the highlight for me was that my children sat down and watched it along with thier friend. There was something about sitting on the couch next to my husband with my oldest son on one end sprawled out on me and my middle child laying on my lap. (Tyler would have been there if he wouldn't have been asleep) I just think this movie is amazing and really teaches some good lessons that everyone can benefit from no matter the age. I couldn't think of a better way to spend a Saturday night. My job is so busy right now which is not a complaint in a time where so many people are loosing thiers, but it was nice to just relax with family and friends. I have watched God working within my husband over the years but it has never been more evident then in the last 7 months or so. I have fallen so crazy in love with him over and over again. God has just outdone himself with the things that he has provided for us. I am so grateful to be able to take our family to San Diego in a few weeks and experince things with them that will enable us to make wonderful memories together.

I just wanted to say God is such an amazing force in my life.

Love

Lisa

San Diego here we come.

2009-02-21T13:48:00.000-06:00

We finally chose a vacation spot for March. I am so excited. We are going to go to San Diego. I am not looking forward to the two full days of travel to get there and back but am excited to be there. Our plane has a 3 hour layover in Dallas so my mom is going to come to the airport so we can visit before heading on to San Diego. That will make the trip there a little more tolerable. We are also going to try to go on a cruise this summer with another family. I am so excited that we have been blessed with jobs that will allow us to travel when the economy is so bad. I know we only have a few more years until Trey is not longer in the house although I have dreams of his family vacationing with us for years to come. I just want to squeeze in all the memories before the kids grow up.

Catching up

2009-02-17T18:27:00.002-06:00

Where is the time going? As I type this Tyler is crawling in between my legs around the chair and all over the place. It seems it was just yesterday that I found out I was having a boy. I have been so busy lately I can't keep this post up. I cut my hours at work but still don't seem to have enough time to get everything done. We took Conner to the Cardiologist yesterday and got a wonderful report-music to a mothers ears. Tyler's spot on his head continues to grow in relation to his head but hasn't changed formation. He does have black hair growing out of the spot and it seems to draw alot of attention where ever we go. People are always stopping me and commenting on it. It will be so weird after it is removed and he no longer has it. I wonder what he will think as he looks back at pictures. Mike continues to grieve his father but seems to be doing better most days. Some days it just hits him and he struggles which is to be expected. My job is going great. Valentines day Mike got me Fire Proof and the Love Dare book to go along w/ it. I bought us both notebooks so neither of us would have to write in the book and we are going to do it together. Today I had to show patience. It is so hard for me but thankfully the night is almost over. I guess the point is to continue on that behavior after the day is done though huh? My neighbor watched Tyler for us and Mike and I went to the Avenue and just looked around. Not very romantic but so relaxing not having the kids with us. Sometimes it is so hard with little ones to make time for each other. Mike and I have not made us a priority and are really working on that now. Well, Tyler is not being very patient right now so I better go. I will try to update more later.

Rambling

2009-01-08T21:08:00.000-06:00

Gosh it has been awhile since I have posted. Time just slips away from you. What a good day today has been. Conner got straight A's again. Trey got a great report card as well. I went to weight watchers and managed to loose weight over the Holidays. Not to many people in the room where able to say that they accomplished that. What a great feeling. Trey turns 13 tomorrow. I can't believe it. I watch him and see him with one foot over the line that seperates the young boy from the young man. I seem him wanting to be grown so badly but at the same time it seems like he is clinging to things of his younger years which doesn't bother mom a bit. We took him out for his birthday supper tonight as we are having his party tomorrow. He was going to invite his girlfriend and at the last m inute decided not to so that it could just be our family. I love that he decided to honor tradition :) I don't have time to post right now but just wanted to share quickly. I will try to post more soon.

It's almost Christmas

2008-12-21T15:40:00.000-06:00

Christmas is just a few days away. I believe all the presents have been bought except for the air compressor that my husband knows he is getting but is to heavy for me to get by myself. I have several presents that aren't wrapped yet as I hate to wrap and really have thought about going and getting gift bags but I know it is more fun to unwrap a present. Today after church we stayed and delivered presents to families off the angel tree. For the first time Mike went with us. The first family we went to broke my heart. They have only been in America for about 2 months and they had 4 children. The oldest was 17 and was laid out on the cough he has cerabal palsey. There was a pallet laid on the floor that was one of the kids beds. The father was so kind and kept wanting us to sit down and talk. Tyler was hungry and Mike was in a hurry otherwise I would have loved to sit down and here his story. He invited us back any time and said and you don't have to bring gifts to stop by just stop by. He doesn't have a job yet but is looking. The second family we went to I am not sure how many kids they had as she wouldn't let them come downstairs. I finally figured out after talking to her it was because she was going to say the presents came from her-how sad to be that poor that you want to provide for your kids and you don't want them to know you had to get help in order to do so. The third house we went to I still can't figure out. It was so smokey in there it was hard to breathe which bothered me as they had a little baby in a play pen and a younger little boy running around. There were all kinds of stockings hung up and the mother said she loved Christmas but we had only been given one present to deliver and that was for a 15 year old girl. I wanted to ask Ray King about that family when I went back to the church to check in but he was busy so I didn't get to. I am not sure why we didn't have presents for the other kids. My boys all went with me and we had really good talks on the way home about how blessed we are. God is so good to us. Conner is just loving church more every week and I love that. He use to be so scared and hated it today he told me I didn't have to walk him to his room-I guess he is all grown up now. Last night he asked what day it was and I said Saturday and he said oh good. I asked him why and he said because tomorrow is Church. I like to think that God is working within him, Mike just thinks there must be a cute girl in his class..

Merry Christmas.

So many emotions

2008-11-29T16:42:00.002-06:00

We are in the car headed back to TN.I can barely keep from crying. I always find myself so depressed when we leave KS and leave our loved ones. I got to see my brother and his fiance. It was the first time that my brother, my mom, and grandma were all together since moving to TN 14 years ago. It was so good to see my brother. It was also very weird to see him with his soon to be 8 year old step son. Seeing my little brother in the role of father was amazing to me. He is so good with Spencer and just took to my kids. My boys loved him and we all had so much fun together. As we stayed at my grandmother pinkertons house I found myself really missing my grandfather that passed away in 1991. I know he would have loved seeing my sons and would have loved them as much as I do. I have a feeling he would have helped them to get into some trouble as well. He never got to meet Mike either and I think they would have hit it off. As I pulled out of my grandmothers house I couldn't help wondering if it would be the last time we would all be together. It seems as if there has been so much death around us lately that I have learned to not take any time with family for granted. We headed over to my grandfather kaspareks house. My grandmother kasparek died one and a half years ago. My grandpa has a girlfriend. I am very happy for him and glad that he is not lonely but it was very hard seeing her in the role of my grandmother and in my grandmothers house. When she was holding Tyler I had to keep biting my lip to keep from crying as I wish it was my grandmother holding him. My grandma never got to meet Tyler. We then headed to Lyons and stayed with Mikes mom. I kept expecting Mikes dad to come home and one time even thought I saw him out of the corner of my eye. The coolest story came out this weekend. Mike was cleaning out his dads truck and found a cooler in the back of it. He opened it up and there were two catfish in there swimming around. They were smaller catfish. We were all shocked as there was no food and the top of the water was frozen. Mikes mom called mikes dads friend that had been fishing with him on his last fishing trip and asked about the catfish and this is what we found out: Apparently Orville had caught them and they were to small to keep so he was going to throw them back but then decided to take them to the cemetary and put them in the pond so that the kids that go fishing out there would have more fish to catch. This was the fishing trip where Orvill fell and broke his ribs and bruised his lungs. It was three weeks after this fishing trip before he got so sick he had to be hospitilized and finally died on October 5th. So those fish had been alive in that cooler for about two months...The plot that we bought for Orville when we buried him is very close to the pond at the cemetary so Mike and the boys took the fish out there and let them go. I hope that Orville is happy that his fish finally made it to the fishing hole :) Great story huh?? Mike and I are really considering moving back to KS. It is so hard as we have to figure out the job situation. I actually have a job I can do from home from there if we choose to move back. But there is alot to take into consideration. I am not sure I would miss TN but am not sure Ks is the right choice either. I just pray that God will make it clear what we should do... Well the kids are begging for the computer and to keep the peace I better sign off. This drive took us 16 hours on the way out there so I will do anything I can to help it go faster on the way back...

Bragging rights

2008-11-17T09:10:00.000-06:00

I just got back from the awards cermony at David Youree Elementary. I love that God allowed it to be on a Monday when I was scheduled off work so that I could go. I also love that my husband is enough involved that he made it a priority to be there as well before going into work late. Conner made straight A's on his report card this six week so he made the Principals List. Actually, Conner was the only student in his class to get all A's. I know he doesn't get his smarts from me and have to credit his father for that but boy am I proud of him.

Funny how the son that I have to fight all night with to do his homework and never has it done in less than two hours was able to get straight A's.

GREAT JOB CONNER IM PROUD OF YOU

Tagged

2008-11-09T22:01:00.000-06:00

I have been tagged by my good friend Kelly. (Thanks Kelly)
I am supposed to tell you 7 weird or interesting facts about myself....

1) I am could drink a whole 2 liter of Diet Coke in one day
2) I am barely 5ft tall
3) I met my husband trick or treating 18 years ago this October
4) I turn my alarm clock off and on about 15 times before I can go to sleep. I am terrified of over sleeping
5) I use to be able to lay on my stomach and suck in so much air that I could burp for over a minute straight (haven't tried this in the last 20 years or so)
6) When I get nervous I start laughing hysterically which isn't a good thing if you are in a work meeting
7) If I eat something that is hot in temperature I will pass out and have a seizure..The weird thing is I have never really tried to hard to figure out why-I just know not to eat hot things :)

Now back to my original posting thought. This week our microwave went out and so instead of getting just a new microwave I decided to talk my husband in to getting all new appliances. I love my new stove and am sure I will like the microwave and dishwasher when they get here. The refrigerator is a different series as our kitchen is such a weird shape that all of the refrigerators I liked wouldn't fit so I had to settle for one. It is just a tiny bit different in color but it is driving me nuts. I hope that I can just learn to be grateful for what I got and go on. Mike has found a couple of houses in Lyons that he wants us to look at when we go back over Thanksgiving. One of them is a two story farm house that is 2338 sq feet and has 5 acres with a two car garage, covered back porch that wraps around the side of the house and 5 metal storage buildings on the property. It is only 112,000. it is AMAZING to me what the prices of land and houses are back home. I had a broker tell me that if I did move to KS I could work from home for him. He said he wasn't sure he could pay me what the bank pays me( I doubt he could as I am paid very very well-I am truly blessed at the bank) but I would be able to work from home so that would be a definate plus. I guess Mike would just have to find a job and we would have to sell our house. I really need to pray to see what God wants us to do. The boys are actually excited about the prospect and I think if it weren't for me, Mike would have us moved there all ready..

I need to get to bed just wanted to update real quick. Will post more later.

F.E.A.R.-False Evidence Appearing Real

2008-10-24T19:58:00.001-06:00

This has been my moto ever since Tyler was born and I have had to repeat it to myself over and over again many times today. Have you ever been going about your day and all of a sudden the Devil tried to ruin your day? That happened to me. Today I was talking to an employee of mine that I haven't gotten to know real well until recently. I hired her right before I went on maternity leave. During our conversation today she said something that made me realize she had been thru the death of one of her children. I asked her what happened since she hinted that she had a child pass away. She told me that her daughter was born with Congenital Nevus and complications from that killed her. I looked at her and said that is what my son Tyler was born with on his head. She told me that she knew that and when she had first seen him she wanted to tell me but couldn't. Apparently EVERYONE in my department knew this little tidbit but me. I have to admit my initial reaction was total panic. I felt like the wind had been let out of my sails. I wasn't sure what to do. I just wanted her out of my office because I was getting ready to break down. I felt horrible that I wanted to know all of the facts to see how similiar it was to Tyler, I felt guilty that I had a baby and she didn't have hers any more. I didn't ask her alot as she didn't open up very much about it but I do know that her daughter passed away when she was 19 months old and that her case had been ALOT worse than Tylers. The DR. had told her that her daughter wouldn't live past 25. I was shocked and amazed because everyone has told me what a rare condition this is and this girl said that as well. What are the chances that she would work where I do and have had a child born w/ the same rare condition?? The devil wanted to ruin my day and for awhile he did but then I have to keep telling myself that FEAR is nothing more then false evidence appearing real. I did have to take Tyler to the dr today for some chest congestion and when we were there the nurse asked if his spot was a birthmark. I just broke down. I ended up talking to the Dr some more and told her the Derm had told us it needed to come off right away and the plastic surgeon had said we could wait and that they thought we could wait until 6 months to have a biopsy done. She is having me go to another specialist just for a second opinion to make sure that I am very informed and have gathered as much evidence as I could to make an informed decision on what to do next. I know that God is the greatest physician of all times and I think it would be funny if he would just heal Tylers head and make his spot go away. I know he is in control and will take care of us.

Another one??

2008-10-23T15:41:00.000-06:00

Mikes family is being surrounded by trials right now. We got a call yesterday that his uncle passed away. I think anytime you experience a death of anyone it brings back many emotions of feelings you felt when others before them passed away. I don't want to blog about my husbands personal life but I do want to ask for prayer from you prayer warriors out there. He is having a very difficult time accepting that it is ok to grieve and thinks that he should be over it. I have tried to explain that there is never really any getting over it, days just get easier. I know that we are on a journey for this season and that God will see us thru it but for the first time in my life I guess I feel like God is growing us in a way that is not going to happen overnight. It seems like when I have had problems before there was always a time limit on when I would have an answer or it would be solved but this time I don't know when the end will be in sight. It could be 3 months, a year there is no telling how long this season of grieve will last. As a wife I have had a very hard time stepping back and giving my husband who is very private his space. I tend to want to talk out my problems and have trouble understanding that not everyone does this. I also feel like we have gone thru everything together during the last 14 years but during his fathers death I had to step away during times when I really wanted to be right by his side but knew that he needed the space more. I have never felt as close to him and yet so far apart at the same time. I never know what is in his mind anymore only that he isn't always with me when he is physically present his mind tends to be else where.

Death brings out so many things and I have also had to deal with some feelings that I had stuffed deep inside from when my grandmother died and I had to walk that journey all by myself without my husband and children by my side. I didn't get to immediately hug my children after telling them that thier grandmother died because I was in another state and so Mike told them. This bothers me that these emotions are coming out as this is not about me and not the right time for me to be feeling these things yet I can't help how I feel.

i need to go I have company but please pray for Mike and his family

14 years

2008-10-16T04:44:00.000-06:00

Yesterday was 14 years that my husband and I have been married. I am not sure I have time to type 14 things I love about him but let me try before I head off to work.

I love how strong he is for our family
I love how kind he is to me
I love that he attends church with our family
I love how he loves our kids
I love how involved he is in our kids activities
I love how patient he is with me at times when I may not deserve it
I love his generous attitute towards others
I love how he loves his Mom and Sister
I love how forgiving he is to me when I am being a butt
I love how hard he works to provide for our family
I love that he gives me my space when I need it
I love how tender his hugs have become lately
I love how he kisses me good night every night even if I went to bed first
I love my husband with all of my heart and am so glad that he is the one that God chose for me. God knew before I did and I am so glad that I met Mike. I can't imagine my life without him. I am so blessed.

Rambling

2008-10-11T22:09:00.002-06:00

It is 11 oclock at night and we are somewhere in MO driving down interstate 70. You have to love the beauty of technology that is allowing me to blog while driving down the road. What a week this has been. I am so ready to be home in my own bed and not living out of a suitcase. It was extremely hard on Mike to leave his mother and head back to KS. She has no family living in KS anymore and it broke his heart to leave her. I have learned so much about myself this week. I have such a tendancy to run when things get tough. I told Mike that I can't imagine loosing him the way that his mother lost his father-we were all literally sitting there watching him take breathe after breathe wondering if it would be the last one and then finally it was-I can't get the picture of him dying out of my head and I can't imagine what Mike and his mother and sister must be feeling watching on of thier own blood literally pass away before there very eyes. Mike had asked me at one time if I should go get the boys and let them be in the room. I said no and I am so glad that I did as I can't get it out of my mind I don't know how they would deal with it. What a horrible thing to have to witness. I don't want to imagine having to go thru that with Mike or one of my parents. Then I think of my father that I have no relationship with but I don't want him to have to dye alone after all he gave me life-who will sit by his bedside and hold his hand in his dying days? I can't imagine watching my mom take her next breathe either. This weekend has brought up alot of feelings I had over loosing my grandmother and wondering about who will be the next loved one to die. I am ready to get back into a routine. Mike is really wanting to move back to Lyons and we actually looked at some houses. I am not sure what I would do for a living or what he would do. I don't know if I could live there with him having so much of a past there. Silly that we are grown ups and I still get insecure when I see a girl he dated. I like having him in our own little world where neither of us has a past like that-sick huh?? I would love to move back to be around grandparents and to be able to help them out and for the boys to be around Mikes mom but I just don't know how it all would work. It would have to be a God thing and I told Mike that God can work wonders and if that is in his plan it would all work out better then we thought. I have to laugh as my work gave me a rather large bonus last week that they had forgotten to give me when I was promoted to officer in January. That was a God thing as if they had given it to me in January it would all be gone but by giving it to me last week I was able to provide money for the hotel we stayed in all week, the rental car, we helped Mikes mom pay some bills and we bought cemetary plots for Mikes dad and went ahead and bought one for his mom as well. We would have been able to help them with out the bonus but it would have been a little harder on us financially. I think it is amazing that God provided that money right when we needed it.

What did you do over fall break?

2008-10-06T05:50:00.005-06:00

I watched a man die. Mikes father passed away yesterday. Noone should ever have to go thru what Mike has gone thru the last 48 hours. I am sitting here in our hotel room dreading the moment Mike and the boys wake up adn reality hits them right between the eyes. My heart breaks for them and that I can't take away the pain. I was so mad at God but am now just begging for understanding although he keeps telling me it is not my place to understand. I just don't know why he took a way a father, husband and grandfather. I watched Mikes mom love her husband enough yesterday to let him go. I watched as she told him it was ok to go. I told Orville that this was the time for him to go home. That I loved him and would watch over Mike, Shelly and thier mom but he needed to just go home and have no more worries. Some people say death is peaceful. I hope that Mike and his sister and mother found it that way but honestly I didn't. Afterwards he looked peaceful but the moments leading up his final breathe were not as I would have liked them to be. He had issues with his lungs and that is probaby why. After he died my husband just sat there not shedding a tear but gripping his dads arm with both hands as his face and ears turned beat red. I had no idea what to do or how to help him. I asked him if he wanted time alone w/ his dad and he shook his head yes. I will never know what went on behind closed doors but I pray he was able to cry and release some of his emotions. I have never seen him like that before in my life. Last night Trey sat up in bed and said Grandpa I am right here right here Grandpa that scared me so bad I ran out of my bed and just about tackled Trey as I held him but he never woke up from his dream. I pray as this day starts that people can feel Gods arms holding them because they are going to need it now more than ever before.

Trip to KS

2008-10-01T13:24:00.000-06:00

Mike came back last night but only because we decided to travel back to KS together as a family. We are going to leave tomorrow night and drive thru the night and will get there on Friday. We were going to go by plane but I was worried about Tylers ears and really we would have to rent a car anyhow and drive another 4 hours after getting there by plane so we decided to rent a car and drive there. Mike has been so worried about his dad and it has been contagious I have been so fearful for what might be. I do know that I have never seen Mike as broken as I saw him last night. I felt so good that he would be vulnerable in front of me and know that I would not judge him.

Well I need to go wash bottles....

Prayer

2008-09-29T16:10:00.001-06:00

I can't believe it has been that long since I have posted. Life has kept me extremely busy. Work is going better then expected. I truly work for some amazing people. Tyler is doing great and growing like a weed.

Mike has been in KS since Thursday night as he got a phone call that his father was in the hospital and not doing very well. We got him on a plane less then 4 hours after recieving the call-I thought that was pretty good. My heart is breaking for Mike. I just pray that he can feel God's arms holding him and feel some comfort knowing that so many people are praying for him. Mikes dad is currently in a medical induced state of sedation and is on a respirator and has a feeding tube. The Dr's said that they are going to try to start cutting down the oxygen and see how he can do on his own. He seems to be breathing a little on his own but Mike said he went in to see him today and asked him how he was doing and he shook his head no. It broke Mike's heart as he is thinking his dad is telling him he isn't doing very well. I have never felt so helpless in my whole entire life. I am here in TN taking care of the kids and going thru the motions but my whole mind is in KS thinking about Mike and his family. Mike has never lost anyone close to him and I pray that this is not the first person he looses. I just pray his father has the will to fight and get better. I have never felt so far apart from anyone in my life. I don't really feel like blogging but wanted to ask for prayer for Mike and his family.

Internet Amazing

2008-08-25T21:16:00.001-06:00

I am completely and totally amazed at what possibilities the internet will open up for you. I have joined Facebook and been reunited with many highschool friends and been able to look into thier vitural photo books and see what they have been up to for the last ten years. In my effort to save money and one day be a stay at home mom I have been researching many different sites. I found one site that pays you to take surveys...so far I have earned $1.75, I have found many new coupon sites and many bargin sites which I will post tomorrow as it is getting late and when baby sleeps I need to sleep. I did put live feeds to a site called Freebies 4 Mom there are lots of samples on there and you can also print coupons off the site. The feed to it is on the left in my blog....Stay tuned as I update my blog with many of the other things I have learned today while Tyler was napping...

Ramblings of a pretend stay at home mom

2008-08-20T07:52:00.002-06:00

First of all...I shouldn't even be on this computer right now. I had every intention of getting up early doing my devotional, getting Tyler up and going to Franklin to visit some friends. It is now 8:53AM and I have done none of that and still sit here in my P.J's. Tyler got up in the middle of the night for the first time in a long time and it threw my sleep pattern off and I am allowing it to through off my whole day. I have accomplished nothing that I wanted to get done so far today. For those of you who know me..I am usually up and around extremely early in the morning and try to get everything done as early as possible to have the whole day to relax. I have reunited with some old friends on FACEBOOK this morning though which was interesting and brought back alot of memories of myself when I was Trey's age and thought that I knew it all and was ULTRA COOL.

Anyhow I have enjoyed my 11 weeks off work so far and wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. I am far from ready to go back to work even though I have a fantastic job. While I have been off I have let life slow down a little bit and have made more time to do my devotional, journal, pray and just calm down and be still from time to time. I think that is the thing that I have most enjoyed about being home. When I am working I tend to be stressed out trying to get everything done and try so hard to be perfect at everything that I find myself falling short on alot of things. The only thing that I truly miss about working outside of the home is the adult conversation and the recognition. (that was two things huh?) I have taken so much more pride in my home as I have been off and have taken time to clean things that I have neglected for longer than I should have-the inside of my stove, windowsills my closet-you get the idea. I have really enjoyed doing all of this stuff and have not done it for someone to say thank-you but as I was doing it yesterday it did hit me that noone would probably even notice that I had spent hours working on our home for US. I realized that stay at home moms have the most important job of all times but they don't get the recognition that they deserve. Noone says thank-you for washing my sheets so that I will get a good nights sleep and be alert to pay attention in school so that I can go on to get straight A's and maybe one day be the scientist that discovers Cancer. (ok so that is a stretch but you get the idea) Noone says thank-you so much for cooking a warm nutritious meal so that I can go to bed full so that I will be able to sleep peacefully before my big day at school. The list goes on. Don't get me wrong my family does tell me thank-you and my kids actually noticed that I made thier beds and vacummed thier floors but I don't think they truly realize how much I loved doing it for them or how much it meant to me to be able to do it for them. For me that is such a love language-taking care of things like that. I definately think it is EASIER to work outside of the home where you have very rigid set standards upon which you are measured and everyone knows what it took to accomplish whatever it is that you accomplish on a daily basis at your job. I don't think this is making any sense and I think I knew that I was very tired when I started this post hence the name Ramblings...what I am trying to say is Thank-you to all of you stay at home moms. You have the most important job of all and don't always get the recognition that you deserve so I am saying Thank-you for everyone and I pray that one day I will get to stay home more with my children to help shape them and love on them.

I can't believe I am admitting this....

2008-08-17T09:22:00.003-06:00

Ok...so today is Sunday. I get Tyler up to go to Sunday School with me which starts at 9:00AM then our Church starts at 10:45 and the boys all meet me at church for that. So...I am rushing around and get Tyler ready and get myself ready and head out the door. I didn't realize how late it was. I got to church and it was 9:06 and there were no close parking spots. I thought about it for a minute and knew that my group sets up front in our Sunday School class and that one of my two leaders had probably already started or might even be in prayer right then. I got to embarrassed to go in and walk up front with a baby and interupt class so what did I do? just what the devil wanted me to do. I turned around and went home. Mike just grinned at me and shook his head when he saw me come in the door announcing I was late so I would just wait and go to church with them. One of these days I might grow up and get some confidence. I wanted to be in God's word so bad this morning and let the Devil keep me from it. On the flip side though when I got home before going to church I got an email from an old college roomate. This old friend was really struggling with some issues in her life and had found me on FACEBOOK which then directed her to my blog so she knew that I was a Christ follower and she was reaching out to me asking me to pray for her. She mentioned that she felt selfish asking me to pray for her to which I explained that I had felt that way so often-for example I feel like if I don't go to church every week I have no right to ask anyone to pray for me. I explained to her that is how the Devil works and we can't give in to it. I was incredibly honored that this person that use to be a very very close friend to me felt comfortable asking me to pray for her. I shared with her some things I have learned about myself and God over the last two months of doing the devotional Jesus Calling. I really felt like I was supposed to be home and read her email and answer her. I felt like it was God's timing that I see the email when I did and I hope that I was able to give her some peace knowing that I would gladly pray for her. For those of you that read this blog please pray for her as well. God knows who she is and what she needs prayer for.

All right...now I am off to church.

Have a great rest of the weekend.

An update and a brothers love

2008-08-06T21:14:00.003-06:00

I haven't posted in a few days. Funny how we ask for prayer and pray frequently about things and then when God answers us we sometimes forget to shout out his Glory and tell about the blessings that he has given us. We went to the plastic surgeon last Thursday and he said he wouldn't touch Tyler with a 10-FT pole right now. He said the surgery would be to extensive and require him to have balloons inserted to stretch his skin. He advised us to wait until he is a pre-teen ( we are actually thinking about age 5) He did say we should get a biopsy of it but that he was sure it would turn up nothing. His suggestion was to have the biopsy when Tyler was between 6 and 8 months old after he had grown some. I need to call the Derm. back and make sure she is ok with this recommendation but the plastic surgeon really showed me that God was answering some prayers. He said that he had seen these before and that if we waited it wouldn't be a serious operation at all and would leave Tyler with just a small scar. He didn't think the risk of Cancer was anything to worry about as he felt the odds were in our favor. The whole time he was talking I was grinning like an idiot because I knew God was taking care of the situation. Someone told me that FEAR stands for False Evidence Appearing Real. I love that... so that is the update on that situation. Now I have to share something that has touched me a great deal today. Tyler had to go for his 2 month check up and get 3 shots. I took Trey and Conner with me so that we could go to Murfreesboro right afterwards. When it came time for the shots Conner chose to look away and stand facing the corner, Trey tried to help hold Tyler's legs done and he actually broke down and started crying. Some might consider this wimpy but I loved that his love for his brother was so evident. He is such a great big brother as is Conner. If they hear Tyler crying alot they will come down and ask what they can do to help. Conner even changed his first diaper today. This experience was a great lesson. I explained how even though they are older that it still hurts me when they get hurt but as a parent sometimes you have to stand by and watch while your children go thru something that hurts them. I explained that although the shots were to help make sure that Tyler had the opportunity to grow and be healthy it caused him a little pain in the beginning. Isn't that true of the love that God has for us? If we get that upset seeing our children hurt can you imagine how he must feel when we are hurting? WOW....

I am so blessed with my family and I love that they all love each other so much. Conner even told me today that I could live with him when I got old. I told him that he wouldn't really want me to live with him as it is hard to have someone else come live with you. I went on to say that his wife might not like me and he said well that is ok she can leave...I told him I was putting that in writing in his baby book so that when the time came I could show him that he chose me over his wife :) Have I mentioned that I love my kids???

Dr. Appt

2008-07-16T14:36:00.002-06:00

We went to the Pediatric Dermotogist today. I had emailed several people this morning and asked them to pray and I was sitting in the waiting room and there was such a peace that came over me-I have only had that feeling a few times when I knew for sure that people were praying for something specific for me. I hate that trials that we have to go thru to get that peace yet the peace is undescribable. The derm. said that the spot definately needs to be removed on his head. She has referred us to a plastic surgeon that we will see on July 31st. She said that she is pretty confident that the spot is not cancer but that it needs to be removed due to the fact that it will continue to grow and will get thicker and there is more of chance of skin cancer due to his having this spot. As much as I hate that he is going to have to have surgery-they will litterally pull his skin away from his scalp and cut the bad skin out and then stitch it back together it is still much better than having Cancer. So many thoughts went thru my head today while we were at Vanderbilt. There is so much pain there and I couldn't help but feel like I really wanted to be able to make a difference there. When I was growing up I always said I was going to be a nurse in a pediatric unit and then somewhere in high school I forgot those dreams and they came back after getting married and having my first child but I never pursued it. I hate that I have never followed those dreams. I also hurt so badly for all of those parents that have kids sufferring in Vanderbilt. I can't imagine what they must be going thru. I also had the realization that I don't feel like I am a good enough person for God to answer my prayers-I sometimes think that if the "good" people pray for me there is more of a chance of God answering the prayer-kind of as if I think they have more influence with God then I do. I do know that it is not true but it does make me want to be a better Christian at the same time. This day has been full of many emotions today...I am not sure I can even blog them all but I thought I would try.

God Bless.

Practicing what I preach

2008-07-11T20:40:00.003-06:00

I am having a hard time practicing what I preach lately. Tyler was born with a birthmark/mole on his head a little larger than a quarter. Our pediatrician referred us to a dermotologist that we saw this week. The dermotologist took a look at his head and said how unusual looking his birthmark was and how large it was. She said that she doesn't treat to many pediatric cases and referred us to Vanderbilt to a dermotologist there. She said that his spot is called Congenital Nevus and that only 1% of all infants are born with this and that it is even more uncommon to have it on the head where Tyler has it. She said that they might want to biopsy it and perhaps surgically remove it due to the fact that it can be associated with skin cancer and in order to do this they would have to cut it out it wouldn't be able to be lasered due to they have to be able to get all of the cells. Keep in mind she doesn't know they are going to do any of these things but the fact that she mentioned them made me nervous. I have researched it on the internet and it can be attributed to skin cancer after puberty and a few infants are born with these moles that are melanoma but that looks to be the rare case. My mind is going crazy wondering what if it is cancer, what if they have to operate what if it continues to grow... I was making my self sick looking up every type of word associated with this condition that I could find on the internet. I was imaging every worse case senerio when a friend of mine told me that it was ok to worry as he is my flesh and blood but that I have to have faith and that I have to remember that words such as rare, unusual and uncommon are all words that can be associated with greatness. So that is how I am trying to see this situation now...Tyler is great and one of a kind and will do great things. Funny how our mind can go crazy on us. We go to the dermotologist on Wed so please keep us in your prayers.

2008-07-03T19:18:00.000-06:00

One month ago today

2008-07-03T18:43:00.002-06:00

One month ago today I was holding sweet Tyler in my arms for the first time. It doesn't seem like a month ago that my Dr. told me to show up at the hospital to be induced just to find out that this wiggle worm had turned in the last week and I had to have a c-section. I was so scared to be cut but I prayed and minutes later I felt a peace come over me. I am sure there were some strong drugs involved as well but I also know that I asked for comfort and received it. All of my boys are very special to me and it is funny to think that when I had Trey I never thought I could love another child as much. God has allowed my heart to grow wide open to embrace all of my boys that he has blessed me with. I think they are all very special but there is something very special about the way that Tyler has changed our family. I think alot of it is because we are all older and wiser. I know that Mike and I appreciate every little thing about Tyler more and that we have more patience with him then we have the other boys. It has been so fun to share my pregnancy with them especially Conner who took an immediate interest. Trey and Conner are so sweet to Tyler and we have so much fun playing with him and making fun of the funny faces that he makes. God's timing couldn't have been better either since I have been able to stay home with them all this summer and will cherish this time with the three of them forever. This has been a dream come true being a stay at home mom with them this summer. I have so enjoyed spending time with them and getting my house clean and having dinner ready when Mike walked in the door. I feel so much more relaxed and in the moment then I do when I am working and always thinking of everything else that needs to be done. God has blessed our family in so many ways with the birth of Tyler one month ago today and I am so grateful. I love my boys...

Loosing my mind

2008-06-18T19:24:00.002-06:00

I think post pregnancy has turned my mind to mush. I rushed everyone around yesterday to VBS back from VBS ran to the post office and stood in line for thirty minutes to mail my inlaws pictures of Tyler as they have no computer and have no idea how cute thier newest grandson is, ran the kids to Blockbuster to find a game to entertain them and then rushed to Tylers Dr. apt just in the knick of time...or so I thought. I was out of breath from rushing around as I ran up to the counter to sign in just to find out his appointment was the next day. I then came home from that non appointment and proceeded to throw away the blockbuster movie I had gotten into the trash can outside and had to go retrieve it.

Today we went to Tylers appointment. He still hasn't gained his birth weight back he is now 8.14 and needs to get to 9.6 so now we have to go back next week. If he hasn't gained it by next week which I am sure he will then they will have to run tests to find out why he hasn't gained it back. We also have to see a dermotologist to have the birth mark on his head checked out but I am faithful that it is nothing.

My mom has been here and been a huge help. She is great with Tyler and the older kids. She took the boys to ride go carts the other night and they had a blast.She leaves tomorrow and although I know it is time for her to go. I am really going to miss her. She has really helped hold and feed while I got some things done around the house.

The boys have loved VBS and this is the first year I have gotten to go in and see VBS in action. There is so much work that goes into it and I am thankful for all the volunteers that make it possible for my boys to go and learn about Jesus in a fun way.

Well I need to go clean up from dinner but wanted to post real quick

God Bless

Lisa

Tyler Jackson Sallee

2008-06-07T15:24:00.002-06:00

This little boy has already proven to be a handful. I delivered him on Tuesday the third via suprise c-section because in the last week he had turned and was breech. Talk about a suprise. My husband got to watch it and told Tyler that he would never make him mad because watching him be born was totally amazing and that he was a changed man after seeing that...I love seeing that side of my husband. I love watching him with the boys when they are so little. I love seeing him whisper how much he loves them.

Today was a suprise as we were going to go home today but suprise the pediatrician didn't release Tyler because he has lost more than a pound of his birth weight he started out at 9.6 and now weighs 8.2 and he has a high level of jaundice so he is under the lights today and I only get to see him for thirty minutes every three hours for now. The Dr. found a reason to let me stay tonight and I pray that Tyler will get to come home tomorrow as I am not sure they would be able to let me stay the night tomorrow and I do NOT want to leave him here. Someone said they might be able to get me a courtsey room if that happens so I hope they are right as the Dr. said he would probably have to discharge me. I am so ready to get Tyler home to sleep in his own bed, see his swing and his room. I am so anxious and today was such a disapoointment. I know God is going to take care of him. I just wanted to come home w/ him I am tired of the hospital so please join me in prayer that we can bring this little guy home tomorrow. He is precious and I can't wait for you all to meet him.

More Bed Rest

2008-05-30T14:10:00.002-06:00

A few faithful readers have reminded me I haven't updated this week. Sorry about that sometimes I forget that people actually read it. I went back to the Dr on Tuesday after almost a week of bed rest and my blood pressure was down and I was feeling so much better. The ultrasound showed the baby looked ok and his head was already measuring 40 weeks can you say ouch??? I have such big babies. This one has fat cheeks as I got to see him in 4D again a little bit. I went back to the Dr today as they are watching me really closely and my blood pressure was 138/98 so they made me lay back down for 15 minutes and it dropped to 116/62 the Dr came in and said gosh you are almost dead when you lay down but that is ok. Not sure how to take that one...but he said my cervix wasn't favorable for induction right now so he ordered me to more bed rest and I have to go back on Monday and have my blood pressure checked and a non stress test on the baby and then we may talk about induction next week. I had tried to work this week Tuesday-Friday just for 6 hours and I have a sit down job but I guess that was enought to counter effect all the bed rest. So...even though in the beginning I begged him not to induce me no matter what now we are talking about an induction all over again. I just don't want to take maternity leave w/out the baby and I am tired of feeling bad when my blood pressure is up. My hubby has been wonderful though and he knows how hard it is on me to just lay around. I am truly blessed and have fallen in love with him all over again. I need to get Conner to guitar lessons but wanted to do a quick update....I know I know I am supposed to be in bed but his lesson is already paid for :)

Nothing to do but lay around

2008-05-23T14:43:00.002-06:00

I was ordered to bed rest last Wed and told to schedule a Dr apt for today-Friday. Today I have been told I need to remain on bedrest until Tuesday due to my blood pressure being to high. Tuesday I go in for an ultrasound to see if my blood pressure is affecting the baby or not. Depending on the results will be the treatment that my Dr. orders it may be induction or I am not sure what else. It would be great if I could just go into labor this weekend but I still have 25 days or so to go so it is still early. I hate waiting until Tuesday to make sure everything is ok so I am going to do my best to stay laying down. I can tell a difference when I am up moving around and laying down so I guess the Dr. knows best. The kids are out of school for the summer and excited. I can't believe I will have a fourth grader and a seventh grader. Time sure does fly. This is the first year we have not been camping on memorial day in years and I hate to miss it but per the Dr we were told not to go out of state so I guess we better not.

Have a great memorial day weekend.

Changed my mind

2008-05-15T14:51:00.000-06:00

Just time for a quick post before I head down stairs to take what has become my daily nap ritual. I have been coming home from work so tired and taking a little nap before Mike gets home. I felt really guilty at first but then realized it won't be long before naps are a luxury item...Last night as I was getting things ready for the hospital and making my things to do list I suddenly decided that it wasn't fair to name the baby Colton if Mike really wanted Tyler. I have the best husband and he has been so good to me. He has wanted the name Tyler for my other two boys and I have never given in so I decided I would suprise him and take the letters back to KMART and exchange them for letters that said Tyler. I think we have decided on Tyler Jackson-that is of course unless I change my mind again....funny how crazy you become the more pregnant you get.

Have a blessed day.

Not to much longer

2008-05-08T20:56:00.002-06:00

Gosh I can't believe that I haven't posted since April 22. My days are filled with work and then I have been coming home to tired to do much of anything-I take that back, I come home cook dinner, clean up from dinner, work on the babys room try to straighten up the house and then I am to tired to do much of anything. Not to much longer before Coleton joins us. We don't have a middle name just the first name. I have lists of things I need to get done before he gets here and I am not sure I will accomplish the task of marking everything off the list in time or not. I had a baby shower at work on Tuesday. I am truly overwhelmed with everyones generosity. This baby has been given so much attention and love and that is while he is still in the womb so I can't imagine what he is going to do on the outside. I can't wait to see Conner and Trey with him and see how they react to him. I am ready to see Mike with him as well. I always see such a soft side of Mike when he is around children. I love my boys all 4 of them more than I can even begin to describe. I remember when I was pregnant with Conner I was so worried that I wouldn't love him as much as Trey as my heart was already so full of love and that spot was occupied by Trey. I realized very soon that you love all of your children no matter how many you have. There are different qualities about each of them that make you smile, bring tears to your eyes or even make you want to drop kick them. Each child is special in thier own way and God allows your heart to grow and make room for all of them. I can't wait to make room for this one.

Have a great night

Don't fight

2008-04-22T19:36:00.002-06:00

Gosh what a day this has been. It started at work when we had to terminate the employment of a very dear friend. That was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. Then tonight at the ball park Trey got into a fight. I guess some boy threw a ball at him and Trey went after it and the boy told him to leave his dirty hands off his ball stupid. Trey then told the kid to shut up. The boy then threw a water bottle at the back of Trey's head. Trey then charged the kids. It is so hard to teach your kids to be the bigger person and just walk away. I told Trey that he shouldn't have hit that kid when I find out that the boy was also teasing Trey saying I have seen your mom and I might not be able to hit you skinny boy but I can hit your mom as she would be hard to miss. I cried knowing that someone made fun of Trey because I have gotten so big with this pregnancy. It is still not a reason to hit anyone and Trey was in the wrong. I just hate that he got made fun of because of me. I sure hope tomorrow is a better day.

Happy Birthday Honey

2008-04-20T18:59:00.002-06:00

Today is my husbands 36th birthday. I am more in love with my husband than ever. I love that he puts up with my inner child. I love that he knows my moods and what is behind them. I love that he puts up with me. I love how hard he works to support our family and what a great father he is. I love how great he is with the kids. I love him for loving me.

We had a party for him last night I think there were 19 people here. As I looked around the house I realized how the Lord has blessed us with Great friends. We have met so many wonderful people since moving to Nashville and we have really got some good friends. It was nice because most of them didn't know each other but everyone got along wonderfully even the kids. We had five kids spend the night last night and never heard a peep out of them. We had some friends come over that we hadn't seen in 9 years and some friends that we use to be friends with in Nashville but lost touch with and just reunited with them recently. It was a wonderful evening and couldn't have been more perfect.

Happy brithday honey I love you

We have uninvited guests

2008-04-15T16:27:00.002-06:00

Always something happening around this house hold. If it isn't my 12 getting his first kiss it is something else. I noticed this weekend a spot on the wall going to our bonus room that looked like a paint bubble. I touched it and it came off to reveal a tiny little hole. The next day I realized it was back and we brushed it off again. Witin two hours it was back and we could see something moving around in the hole. A call to the BUG MAN the next day and a visit confirmed we have termites. This is not an inexpensive thing to have treated especially when I am getting ready to take 12 weeks off of work. I was more than a little stressed as he described what would have to be done-this is after he drilled a hole in our bonus room wall that we just painted a month ago. But I know it will all work out.

On the plus side. I bought a used breast pump at a consignment sale a few months ago and I took a breast feeding class last week. The instructor told me to go by stonecrest and she would tell me how well the pump was working. I only paid 60.00 for the pump which retails for 280. so I felt like I had gotten a good deal until I talked to her and she made me realize I didn't know how much life was in it but praise the Lord when I took it in today it is functioning at full capacity at the moment. I have to sing the praises of Joy the lactation consultant at Stonecrest. I can't deliver there due to them not taking my insurance yet she spent about an hour with me today answering questions and helping me find the correct size breast shields for my pumps and assuring me that I could do this. I thought it was great that she didn't charge me to pick her brain when I wasn't even delivering at her hospital. What great customer service

And the good news is................................

2008-04-13T15:15:00.002-06:00

Before I begin this post I have to ask you to pray for my neighbor Kelly who is on a missionary trip to Mexico. I have been thinking about her alot today and ask that everyone will pray for a wonderful trip for her and a safe return next Saturday night. Also pray for her family that they can make it through the week without her.

Now on to my post.....................
Last night Trey went skating. Mike went to go get him around 10:30 as always. When they got home Trey looked a little sheepish to me and said hi and ran up stairs. He then hollered down stairs dad you can tell her the good and bad news. Mike asked him if he was sure that he didn't want to tell me himself and Trey insisted that Mike could tell me. I was asking Mike what Trey was talking about when Mike replied that the bad news was that Trey had lost his money while skating...Ok I said then is the good news that someone found it? Mike said no. The good news per Trey is that he got his first kiss...I just sat there and said ok I am waiting for the good news. Mike started laughing and said I told Trey I wasn't sure that you would consider that good news. I said well I am still waiting for the good news. I then asked Mike what kind of kiss were we talking about? A peck vs an open mouth kiss..what you can't drop that bombshell on me and not have the details. Mike said that Trey didn't elaberate that he had just gotten in the truck and said I have good news and I have bad news. While I am flattered that my 12 year old son will confide in his dad and I, I am bewildered that he would think for a minute that I would consider him passing this major milestone at such an early age good news. I had to think had I egged him on? Had I said something to make him think kissing was a great feat to accomplish? I then realized that I got my first kiss at 14 and considering how much older kids think they are these days I guess it is about the equivelant. Still I had trouble kissing him good night last night as I bent down all I could think was that some other female had kissed those lips. Needless to say I didn't get a lot of sleep last night and spent a good portion of it praying that God would look over my quickly maturing son and that he would help him to surround himself with good people and to make good choices...

I have also learned that good news depends on whose perspective you are looking at it from.

2008-04-11T21:15:00.002-06:00

Take a look at this...funny how God's timing is. I was just talking to my boss today about how sad it is that Oprah doesn't use the huge platform that God has given her to promote him. I hadn't seen or heard of this video yet we were just talking about what a shame it was because so many people follow her and she could really be God's voice so to speak...then I came home and my grandmother had sent me this video..take a look.You have to scroll down as the video was to big to fit in this space so it has messed up my page a little but it is worth having an unattractive blog to get this word out there....

Just an array of things......

2008-04-05T18:59:00.002-06:00

Gosh as I write this blog I am silently praying that KU gets beat out of the final four NCAA championship that is starting right now....Mike is an avid KU fan and if they win they will play Memphis on Monday night for the Championship game....so why am I rooting against them for the first time in 14 years of marriage??? Because I have enrolled us in a breast feeding class for Monday night...now you see the issue I have..Mike doesn't think he needs to go to the class because in his words-he already knows how to do that (I know more info then you needed but what a guy comment) He swears he will be the only guy there although i have called and verified that is not the case unless all the husbands plead out to watch the game. If KU wins I CANT make him miss the game to go to the breast feeding class so I may be posting on craigs list for a stand in husband for Monday night depending on the results of this game. The down side to KU loosing is that Mike will sulk all night as he thinks by his couch coaching that he is personally responsible for thier win or loss. I keep thinking KU should add him to thier payroll as much coaching for them as he does. I must say it is rather endearing to watch him and Conner watching the game. Trey has never been much into TV sports but Conner loves them and actually knows so many statistics that it amazes me. So watching both of them tonight sitting on the couch together hollering for KU is making me smile...

I owe Conner a little something but I am not sure what that would be..Last night I got nostalgic and started watching home videos-after I called around Smyrna to find someone who had a VHS tape converter for this mini tapes that our camcorder use to take. Trey is to cool to hang w/ us any more so he was upstairs on his phone w/ his girlfriend most of the night but Conner sat thru about 3 hours of home videos with us. He kept waiting to see some of him and kept asking when he was going to be on them. I think i have about 7 of these tapes and Conner made an appearance for maybe 2 hours of the tapes. (Have I mentioned he is the 2nd child?? Someone of you out there can relate wether or not you admit to it or not). We tried to blow it off saying that the camcorder stopped working shortly after Conner was born but because Conner wasn't born yesterday he knew that wasn't the truth. I felt so bad for him as he kept waiting to get a glimpse of himself doing all the cute things Trey was doing just to be told he wouldn't be seeing that anytime soon.

I just left Conners baseball practice and my heart is so full of grattitude. I have been so blessed for this whole pregnancy from wonderful friends of the past that have cropped up and done the most amazing things for me, to my great neighbors that have offered to help w/ the kids when the baby gets here to the moms on the baseball team that keep saying that they can't wait for this baby to get here to spoil him. The fact that people want to love on my baby and spoil him makes me so happy. How lucky is this unborn child that people are already falling in love with him. I am so blessed......

I hope you all have a blessed evening.. I guess I will go watch the game...

Crazy Store Policies

2008-03-29T20:56:00.000-06:00

I have no idea why I am even wasting time writing about this, I guess because I am bored and have ran out of things to do so I thought I would vent for just a moment. Mike and I went to Target and registered today for baby items. When we were done the lady said MAKE SURE EVERYONE GIVES YOU A GIFT RECIEPT because if you get duplicates and don't have a reciept you can't even get a store credit. She went on to say they knew that thier machines weren't synching with other Target stores and therefore lots of people were getting duplicates and that they have a very strict exchange policy so without a reciept you can't even get store credit. How tacky is that to have to tell everyone please give me a gift reciept. I knew they were having problems because I attended a baby shower of a co-worker a few saturdays ago. I had gotten her present a week earlier and made sure they scanned it and knew it came off her registry. She still got two more of those items and the people I spoke to said it was still on her registry as having not recieved one the day of her shower. It seems if Target knows they are having trouble they would make an exception as far as at least giving store credit. We also registered at Babies R Us and they tell you as long as something came off your registry then you can exchange it w/ no reciept I don't know why Target doesn't do this. Anyhow I just had to share this because a few weeks ago I was in Target trying to register originally but all thier scanners were broken and there was a lady w/ a cart full of baby stuff that she said was all duplicates I mean a cart full and they were telling her to bad because she didn't have any of the reciepts and I felt so sorry for her. Anyhow crazy policy huh? I am now done complaining and will try to find something constructive to do with my time.

Have a great evening.

Pictures

2008-03-29T14:39:00.000-06:00

I can't figure out my new scanner so I am just putting these on here for now w/ all this white space. I will work on getting them enlarged and better but for now I am to tired to mess with it. In one of the black and white pictures it looks like he is pointing at us :) we got to see him yawn, smile and stretch it was neat seeing him yawn. It was really clear. Trey didn't act like he was interested but when we were done he showed me two pictures he had taken with his cell phone of the screen showing the baby so he must have liked it a little bit. It looks like he has the famous big cheeks both boys have had....

2008-03-29T14:38:00.002-06:00

2008-03-29T14:38:00.001-06:00

2008-03-29T14:37:00.001-06:00

Ultrasound pictures

2008-03-29T14:34:00.002-06:00

I was a little disapointed in the quality of these but it was becuase the umbilical cord was right by his face making a shadow...anyhow I thought I would share....

God is to good to me

2008-03-26T19:51:00.003-06:00

I have to do a post on how good God has been to me with this pregnancy. As many of you know it only took a week for me to get pregnant which in itself is a God thing. Then God allowed me to know I was pregnant when I was 5 days pregnant by showing me a sign and now the blessings just keep on coming. I have been searching for someone to watch this little one for me and I have been completely stressed out about finding daycare. I knew God was going to take care of the situation but I really wanted it to be in my time and not his-he has blessed me by showing me a glimpse of what he has in store for me. I have found a lady who is the mother of a dear friend of mine and they used to live across the street from me in Nashville. I have really enjoyed getting to know this friend again and have had alot of fun with her over the last few months. I totally trust her mother with this baby and know I will have peace of mind and not have to worry at all. She is going to watch the baby for me for 125.00 a week. Praise the Lord that was the only obstacle with this baby that I hadn't figured out. Then...yesterday I took the boys skating. I didn't really want to go but decided it wasn't about me and if I could spend just a few hours doing something I didn't want to do that would make the kids happy that was what I was going to do. My youngest son saw a friend of his there. This friend was with his babysitter who had a 7 month old baby boy. I got to talking to her and the little boy she was watching ended up spending the night with us. When I took him home today she was there babysitting his siblings and had a three dresser plastic storage container full of baby clothes for me. They are all adorable and some still had the tags on it. They were from size new born to 9 months. Mostly 3-6 but because of her I am set on clothes for this baby. I didn't even know her last name. I called her this afternoon to get her address and her last name and I bought her a gift certificate from VIP Nails I figured it was the least I could do. See God knew I needed to go to the skating rink yesterday before I did...Isn't God good. I can't get over how much he has taken care of me during thie pregnancy...I love my heavenly Father. I love him always but in times like this it really makes me realize how much he loves me as well that he would look after me like this.

I just wanted to share how great God is.....

Bless you

Lisa

To Old for the Easter Bunny

2008-03-23T15:59:00.002-06:00

Ok clearly my boys (12 & 9) are to old to believe in a ficticious over sized bunny that hops around and hides easter eggs in peoples back yards but can't they just pretend???? Yesterday I got everything ready to dye Easter Eggs and my 9 year old was a great sport and came to the table to color Easter Eggs with me. My twelve year old was about to until on of my husbands friends showed up with his 12 year old daughter and then he wasn't about to be seen doing something as juvinelle as coloring eggs. He finally came around a little bit and at least put some of the shrink wrap things on a few eggs that would shrink when you blew dried them. Now I was trying to be cool and had bought all sports decorations thinking that would make it a little more acceptable to be coloring easter eggs with your mom on a Saturday night.

After they went to sleep I went in to my closet and stuffed 24 colored eggs with candy and got thier baskets ready. This was no easy feat as I am very front heavy and it is not comfortable at 7 months pregnant to sit cross legged in the floor for any amount of time. I sat my alarm this morning and went out in the cold and hid 24 plastic eggs all over the back yard. One of my neighbors 5th grade daughters saw me and I would love to know what she was thinking.... I then set out thier Easter Baskets that were filled with enough candy to cause a small cavity and Itunes gift cards, wal mart gift cards and lego sets for my youngest. I was so excited for the kids to come down stairs. When they finally stumbled out of bed they came down individually and both of them just glanced at thier baskets and then went back to thier bedrooms. I was sooooo disappointed. They finally came down and gave the appropriate responses to thier baskets and I spent the rest of the morning helping build lego sets. I told them that the Easter bunny had been in our back yard and it was probably 3 hours later before my oldest son who has my sweet tooth decided he wanted to go look for some eggs. My youngest had no desire to participate so instead of being a family event as in years past my oldest just went and found all 23 eggs. I say 23 because our lovely dog had found one of the eggs and tried to eat it and all of the candy in it.

I know I am silly for trying to keep up such traditions when they are to old but really I have just as much fun as they do or in this case more fun. It really hit me today how old they are and how little time I have left to enjoy these holidays with them before they spread thier wings and grow. I guess it is a good thing we have another one joining our family to help keep me entertained.

I hope you all had a wonderful Easter and remembered to thank-God for what this holiday truly stands for which is so much more than a bunny and some silly eggs.

God Bless

Take a peek....

2008-03-12T17:42:00.001-06:00

Make a scrapbook - it's easy!

Prayer Request

2008-03-09T11:57:00.001-06:00

A few months ago I asked for prayer for a little boy named Chase Donnell that I have never met but someone in our Sunday School asked us to pray for. He was diagnosed with Burketts cancer last August. I have been following his care page faithfully. I feel drawn to pray for this little boy. Last week he knew he was going to die and asked to be Baptized he was Baptized in a bathtub at Vanderbilt. His faith has been amazing and he has told his parents he just wants to die and go to heaven and see his pug puppy he had that had passed away. About 3 weeks ago he started a transplant process and he had made it to day 28 and was discharged out of the hospital and planned on going to the Ronald Mcdonald house and he got a fever and had to stay. He has gone down hill since then. I just read the post today and he is not expected to make it thru the day. Please pray for this little boy that he will pass peacefully and that his parents will feel the prescence of God stronger than ever before. He also has a brother named Noah and a sister named Gracie Bell that are younger. Chase is only 10 I can't imagine how hard this must have been on them with thier parents at the hospital so often. Please pray for this family.

Our first photo shoot

2008-03-09T08:18:00.002-06:00

JaNeil and I have a little side business doing photography. We are far from the professionals that we would like to be but we are learning alot. We had a friend tell her sister about us and we did her daughters Bridal Portraits back in November. They then asked us to shoot thier wedding which was yesterday. It was an amazing feeling to walk into the reception and see a the Bridal Portrait that you took on display for everyone to see. We had a great time watching the bride and groom. It was wonderful to see the love they had in thier eyes for each other. I think sometimes you get so busy in life that you forget to remember what it was like when you were still young and discovering things about each other every day. Rodney Wilson officiated the wedding and did an amazing job. I am editing the pictures now and will probably post some here as well on our photography blog www.landjphotography.blogspot.com

The only down side to the day other than the fact that we didnt' eat all day and my ankles were swollen like you wouldn't believe from standing from 11-6 was that someone stole JaNeils coat which had all her keys in the pocket and some other things and they also stole my cell phone. I guess we learned a lesson. We had put them in the handicap stall at the church because we had all of our gear in two bags anad then we had hung her coat over them. They had to get into my bag to get my cell phone and my wallet was in there w/ all my credit card numbers and everything. None of them appear to be missing I just hope they didn't write down the numbers but I am thinking surely they would have just taken them. Not sure why they didn't. Maybe they thought just taking a coat and a phone wasn't really stealing? I have never had anything stolen before and as small of an item as that may be I feel very violated. It is a weird feeling. Of course JaNeil can't drive or get in her car to get her purse which is parked outside of my house until her husband who is out of town for the weekend gets back so I am sure she REALLY feels violated.

God Bless

2008-03-06T17:16:00.000-06:00

Feeling like Royalty one minute back to Reality the next

2008-03-01T22:15:00.002-06:00

The bank I work at has a suite at the Summet Center. We can request tickets to events as they come open. I got four tickets to the Motor Cross last night. We also take turns sharing the parking garage pass. Last night it was my turn. We felt so fancy getting to park in the garage and take the elevator which had a real elevator attendant in it. We got to the suite and we were the first ones there so we were able to enjoy the wings, hotdogs, chips and free softdrinks for about thirty minutes before anyone else showed up. The boys were loving it until Conner started not feeling good. He had mentioned his throat was hurting earlier in the day but then I gave him some motrin and he seemed fine. Right before we left he showed me he had a rash. I didn't think it was chicken pox as it looked different than Treys a few weeks ago but I gave him some Benadryl and we left to go downtown. It didn't hit me until we got down there and he started crying because he was so cold and his throat hurt so bad that he probably has strep throat. We will be setting our alarm clocks tomorow morning to get up bright and early and go to TN Urgent Care before all the really sick people get there and we catch something worse than Strep. Needless to say we left the show before it was over which bummed everyone out a little bit but Conner was asleep as soon as Mike started the truck up. I just pray that noone else gets it as it is going to be a very busy month at school and I really can't afford to miss.

God Bless

Fat, Swollen and snoring like a freight train

2008-02-28T16:43:00.002-06:00

Gosh isn't that title lovely? That pretty much describes the state that I find my self in these days. I still have about 3.5 months to go and I can't imagine that I can get any bigger or that my feet and arms can swell any more. Last week I had to remind myself how much I wanted this baby. I have gotten his nursery put together a little bit and went to a consignment sale and got quite a few good deals now we just need the time to fly by so he can arrive. That is the hard part waiting. I guess we still need to find a name but I guess we will agree sooner or later.

My great aunt died yesterday so please keep her immediate family in your prayers. She had a very rare brain disorder in fact the Univerity of KU medical said hers was one of two people they had ever seen with this disease. She had basically been trapped in her body for the last ten years not being able to communicate. It was similiar to alzhimers in many ways. Please pray for my grandmother who was very close to her and is down there trying to help with that and take care of my aunt who had a double knee replacement.

God Bless
Lisa

Tag your it

2008-02-24T14:28:00.002-06:00

My friend Kelly tagged me. I have been tagged before and never played along but she asked nicely so I will try to oblige...here it goes:

Four jobs I have had in my life:
1. Staffing Recruiter at Express Personell
2. Bank officer at Tennessee Commerce Bank
3. Telemarketer at Idelman Telemarketing
4. Cashier at Dillons

3. Four movies I could watch over and over:
1. Diary of an angry black woman
2. On golden pond
3. I hate to watch movies over again so those are the only two
4.

Four places I have lived:
1. Houston TX
2. Emporia KS
3. Fort Collins CO.
4. Smyrna, TN

Four shows that I watch:
1. Big Brother (totally immoral but I am hooked)
2. American Idol
3. According to Jim
4. Greys Anatomy -when the writers aren't on strike.

Four places I have been:
1. Chicago
2. Rio Dosa New Mexico
3. Manitu Springs Colorado
4. California

Four people who email me regularly:
1. Dana Sink
2. Samantha Davis
3. Christinie Lapinta
4. Aunt Deann

Four of my favorite foods:
1. Anything Mexican
2. Any type of pasta
3. Deli Sandwhiches
4. Chineese

Four places I would rather be right now:
1. Taking a nap
2. On vacation
3.With all of my family
4.taking another nap

Four things I'm looking forward to in the next 12 months:
1. Weekend Camping Trips
2. The birth of my child
3. Being at home this summer with my kids
4. Sending the kids to camp so I won't be home all summer with them-#3's enjoyment might be short lived :)

Four Goals for the New Year:
1. Work on having quiet time with/for God
2. Be debt free (except our house)
3. Patience
4. Seeing out of state family more often

Four gifts I got for Christmas:
1. Worship CD's
2. Gift Cards
3. I can't remember....
4. I can't remember...

Four places I want to visit
1. Myrtle Beach
2. San Francisco
3. San Antonio
4. Alaska

Four things I wish I could be better at:
1. Reading my Bible every day
2. Parenting
3. Managing money
4. Staying in touch with friends

Four Things You Don't Know About Me:
1. I came in 3rd in the state of KS in the state forensics competition with a speech about kissing
2. I have had three last names-Kasparek, Hornbeck and Sallee
3. I am afraid of confrontation unless I have on Sunglasses so you can't see my eyes and then I feel tough
4. I love hugs

Four Things I Can Cook Without a Recipe:
1. Mexican Spaghetti(thanks to Kelly)
2. Swiss Chicken and stuffing
3. Pigs in a blanket
4. Frozen Pizzas

Four Musicians/Groups I Really Like:
1.I don't know any groups or names of songs.
2.
3.
4.

I tried by best Kelly :)

Disappointment

2008-02-24T14:17:00.002-06:00

Today we talked in Sunday School how even when we experience disappointment that God is still good. Our Sunday School teacher asked how we would finish this sentence. I experienced disappointment when.....she talked about how even the disappointments that you experience as a child play a big part in the adult you become if you don't turn it over to God. She talked about how God wants to be the salve that heals you if you just turn it over to him. How true that is..What a refreshing liberating feeling it is when you can say even though things didn't turn out the way I wanted my God is still good.

Tomorrow it will be one year since my grandmother passed away. It is amazing to think that a whole year has passed by since I last saw her. Technically it was a year ago today that I spoke to her for the last time. I got sad the other day thinking about what a huge part she played in the care of my boys when I brought them home from the hospital. With both boys my grandmother and grandfather came to vist me and helped me when I was on maternity leave. They brough boxes of clothes that they had bought at garage sales for my babies. The other day I got sad thinking how this baby will never know my grandmother his great grandmother and how when I come home from the hospital I won't be getting a visit from them. I think that will be a bittersweet time for me. I will be so happy to have my son in my arms in his home but so sad that my grandmother won't be there.

Please pray for a friend of my sons mother. My sons friend called him yesterday to tell him that his mother has breast cancer and is starting chemo today. It is amazing because this is a person that I have always thought had the perfect so called family. She has a boy and a girl has family here in Smyrna that they eat dinner with ever Friday night and has the most unbelievably gorgeous home. It hit me today that none of those things really matter when tragedy strikes. God can test any of us at any time and none of the material things will help us get through those tests. It is only when we rely fully on our Father and turn it over to him that our wounds can be healed. Please pray for this family

God Bless

Lisa

Help me name our son

2008-02-17T18:00:00.000-06:00

Help a girl out and take the poll to the left to help us name our son. I had girls names picked out that we agreed on but we can't seem to reach a decision on a boys name. We still have plenty of time left as my due date is 4 months from today. I am getting really excited and can't believe how much I have changed since our last post. We bought a crib and changing table/dresser, I have ordered the nursery deco and gotten a stroller. I am going to a consignment sale next week and hope to get lots of goodies there.

I don't have time to post as my family thinks they need to eat and that they need me to fix it so hungry stomachs are calling but please take my poll.

Thanks

Lisa

Long time no post

2008-02-07T21:33:00.000-06:00

I have not posted in forever and still owe it to Conner to get his birthday slide show up here. Maybe by the time he is 10 I will have accomplished that. Time is slipping away from us slowly but surely. This past week has been very busy. I got a promotion at work on Friday. I have been promoted as an Officer of the bank. Along with that comes the great benefit of having four weeks paid vacation. I am loving that. We found out yesterday that we are having another boy. I guess we can start a 2008 in color version of MY THREE SONS. I didn't handle that news very well and am quite ashamed of myself. I pouted and screamed and cried and didn't talk to my husband at all after we found out. I just withdrew. Thank God that I have the best husband in the worl in my opionion and that he was kind and patient with me until I could finally get it out today about how disappointed I am. Truth is I am not sure that I would be good with a girl. I am not very girly myself but I would like to have one for the first 5 years and then I could pass her on when she got to difficult :) I think it was the realization that I would never have a daughter that hit me. That this truly will be my last pregnancy-that I am planning, who knows what God has in plan. I just shut down yesterday and couldn't look at anything baby w/out being mad and bitter. I even told God I was mad at him. I had to worn my friend at church last night that she might not want to sit with me as there was a really good chance that God was going to cave the building in on me. I talked to him today and told him I could imagine how disappointed in me he was that he gave me such a gift and I wanted to return it. How typical of us that we sometimes don't recognize the magnitute of what God has done for us. I am much better today. I was even able to look at cribs and buy a diaper bag. I am going shopping this weekend with a dear friend and althought she is more excited than me and I don't think I will ever get overly excited about buying boy clothes as they just aren't as fun as girl clothes, we will get through it and get some much needed stuff bought.

Trey has found it very amusing over the last week to come up and hit me in the stomach (not hard or anything, just enough to make it jiggle) I told him his brother was going to come out and beat him up. I heard him telling Conner last night can you believe we are going to have ANOTHER little brother. We are going to have a third kid running around. I think it just hit him for the first time what this all means. I know he will be a great big brother and have no worries about that at all. He had the chicken pox this week and it was so nice not having to worry about picking him up from school or doing homework but he was so excited to get back to school yesterday.

Just wanted to touch base

Have a blessed day

January

2008-01-14T17:02:00.000-06:00

Check out the slideshow below. Most of the pictures are from Trey's birthday party we had at LaserChase in Franklin this weekend. Conner is having a skating party next weekend and then we are done w/ parties until Mike turns 36 in APRIL. Gosh we are all getting older.

I haven't blogged in awhile between the holidays, the family, getting the babies room built and being tired I haven't had the time or energy. I can't believe Trey turned 12 last week. I went to my ob/gyn appointment on his birthday and asked my Dr. if he knew what he was doing 12 years ago on that day :) I had an early ultrasound done last week. My Dr had not been able to get a heartbeat on the baby that lasted long enough that he could tell how many beats per minute. He felt ok about this and assured me it was because my placenta was in front he thought and it was blocking the baby. He asked me if I wanted an ultrasound and for peace of mind and I said no that day but called back the next day and told him I had changed my mind. I went in for an ultrasound last Friday and sure enough my placenta is in front. I am not feeling very much movement from the baby and that is because it is kicking my placenta and not my stomach. I hate that as I really wanted to savor everything about this pregnancy as I am sure it will be my last. Maybe my placenta will move. I asked if they could tell what I was having and the technician told me she thought she knew but when she went back to look again she couldn't prove it. She told me what she thinks I am having and I have told Mike and two other people besides the boys. We are going to wait until I go in Feb and have another one done to see if they can tell us for sure what we are having and then we will tell everyone. I really don't have a preference I just pray for a healthy baby that we can love on and bring into our family. I can't wait to see the boys with a baby as they are so good w/ the younger kids in our neighborhood.

I need to get dinner started-my family thinks that they have to eat dinner EVERY night for some reason. Oh well, tomorrow is Conner's birthday so we will go out for his birthday dinner and give me a reason not to cook.

God Bless

Check out my Slide Show!

2008-01-14T16:58:00.001-06:00

You want to go on a what????

2007-12-19T20:32:00.000-06:00

Ironically I posted this morning I posted on here about how God has entrusted us with little eternal souls clothed in human bodies and how we only get so many chances to guide them in the right way because either life is fragile and can be taken or because they grow up so quickly and aren't as easily influenced as they use to be.

I think I will ponder the last part of that sentance for awhile. Last week my 11 year old almost 12 year old got in the car after school and said Mom guess what a week from tomorrow is? I told him it would be Friday he said no guess mom guess. I had no clue. He then filled me in that it was him and Kimmys 3 month anniversary. WHAT? It seems like just yesterday I was helping him change his poopy diaper. (Oh how he would kill me if he knew I posted that on the internet for the whole world to read. I am so uncool) Then tonight he got a call from a boy who said that his mom told him he could take three kids to the movie tomorrow. The little boy is inviting his girlfriend, Trey and Trey's girlfriend. The mother is going to take them and stay the whole time just a few rows behind. So would this be his first date?? I have arranged to get off work early so that I can get home and get him to the meeting spot by the designated time. I can't wait to get a glimpse of my future daughter inlaw as I haven't met her yet :) I just can't believe how quickly he is growing up. Part of me wants him to hurry up and grow up and get past this preteen with a mouth that likes to question every thing I say or do stage and part of me wants to grab him and hold him and keep him frozen in time. I realized listening to the CD this morning that Trey has already lived w/ me for longer then he has left to live with me. I guess that is taking into account that I don't plan on him living at home at 22. It just takes a minute for them to grow up and as they said on the cd this morning the older they get the less influence we have on them so it is so important to start instilling good values in them at an early age because before you know it they will be sharing a tub of popcorn in a movie theater w/ thier first love.

It is going to be an interesting next couple of years....

Children blessings from God

2007-12-19T07:01:00.000-06:00

Ok I had to blog this as soon as I heard it. I am at work and really shouldn't be doing this but this was on my heart so I am going to try to get as many complete thoughts down as quickly as I can. I am sure this will be a to be continued blog. A friend gave me a CD from a church that her husband attends. I don't know the name of the church as I didn't look at the CD that closely I just know it is in Brentwood. I wasn't sure what the sermon was about but decided since she wanted to share it I would listen to it on the way into work today. It was on grattitude. I haven't finished the whole thing but the part that I have heard was very heavy on my heart. The pastor starts out by talking about how when God gives you a child he gives you an eternal soul in a human body. WOW I had never thought of my kids that way. He goes on to say how our children are like clay that can be shaped and formed. He said that outside of God and free will we are the greatest influence on our children and what direction thier lives will take. He mentions that because God knows we will make mistakes with our kids he created them like a lump of clay they are pliable and can be shaped and reshaped. This is easier in the beginning but as our children get older the clay starts getting harder and it isn't so easy to erase the mistakes of parenting. He talks about how when they are 2 you can shape and reshape but as they get to be 9 the clay is getting stiffer and when they are in college it takes alot of hard work and maybe a therapist hammering the clay to reshape it. He said something that struck me-he mentioned that because God gives us so many chances many people forget that their chances aren't unlimitless. God only grants us so many FREE PASSES and we never know how long or short our time on earth will be or our childrens time on earth may be. It is so easy to get caught up in LIFE that even though we don't forget what our true purpose is with our kids we may not make that the for front of every day....He said many great things in this sermon but another thing that he said was how important it is for our Children to know that they came from SOMEONE and that they are going back to that SOMEONE and that during thier time on earth they are here to please that someone and glorify him. He mentioned that he wanted to raise his kids to know that God loves them more than he does and that God is perfect so if he loves them then they must be worthy of loving and he wants to make sure that his kids believe that they are worthy of love because a perfect God loves them. Wow if EVERY parent could instill that seemingly simple message in each childs life what a near perfect world this would be. So many problems come out of not loving our selves or not feeling worthy...I know I have taught my children about God but I am ashamed to admit that I realize I have just touched the surface. I am not sure I have ever told them God loves them more than I do or to make sure they are making God proud. I have said things that were near to that point but not directly in that matter. WE need to be direct because as he said God only gives so many FREE PASSES.

He went on to tell about a time a man complimented him on his sermon and he said thank you and changed the subject back to the man and his family and this man stopped him and said you just insulted me. I was trying to give you a compliment and you didn't recieve it. I don't know what to do with that. Is it because you don't feel like you are worthy or you don't feel like I was being honest. What is it. He talked about how important it is to recieve with grattitude the gifts people give us even if it is just a compliment.

WOW I haven't even listened to 30 minutes of this..I can't wait to drive home today to listen to the rest and am sure I will have more to share.

Just something to think about....

That's my boy!!!!

2007-12-15T16:19:00.001-06:00

Today is saturday at that means basketball at the Sallee house. Trey didn't play today as he is feeling under the weather. Conner just got done playing and what a game!!!! His team had not won a game yet but today they won 20-10. Conner scored 18 of the points. I was so proud of him. Not only because he scored so much but he looked so good playing. He had several steals and several fakes that were awesome. He looked like a little pro. Then it hit me......Conner is able to play basketball because of God. God has given him the health, talent and ability. Without God granting him this he might not be able to play at all. I took this opportunity to talk to Conner and remind him that he didn't play so good because of anything that his human self did rather it was all because God allowed him to. I reminded him that God was behind everything and that noone liked a cocky player (or cocky mom) and that it was very important to be humble and gracious. I told him that he needed to remember to thank-God for giving him the good health and for allowing him to play. I was glad that I got the opportunity to talk to Conner about this. We learn lessons every day from God and some days it is not fun to learn those lessons...I must say that I didn't mind learning this lesson today and am thankful that God let Conner have a great game as it was fun to watch...and it was fun to watch his dad coaching from the sidelines. We were both grinning from ear to ear.

Now....about the whole puppy thing. The boys have decided to name him Buster. I was afraid that I wouldn't love him and that we were jumping the gun getting him but I am quickly falling in love with him. Even though he is trying to eat the laptop as I speak. The first day he got up every two hours in the middle of the night but last night he slept about 4 hours at a time. I am quickly reminded of how hard it is going to be to get up with the baby when it gets here. But I guess this is good practice.....

The newest member of the Sallee family

2007-12-13T18:21:00.000-06:00

Please Pray

2007-12-09T21:29:00.000-06:00

I am asking all of you to please pray for a little boy I do not know yet his family has been in my thoughts and prayers constantly. I was asked by our Sunday School class about three months ago to pray for this little boy and his family. WWW.Carepages.com you have to sign in and then visit the care page chaserdonell

This little boy's family has ben told that he has about 4 weeks to live they are saying that they can't do anything more for him. I read the carepage his mom wrote a couple of days ago in it she wrote about how Chase asked her to crawl in bed with him and how he told her he wished noone had to die. She told him if you lived your life for God you shouldn't be afraid to die because there was only happiness there. He told his mom that he would get to see his grandma, his uncle and his dog. He told her he knew he was going to Heaven and not down there and that there sure were alot of mean people here on earth. He went on to say he wished the devil would trip on his pitchfork and it would stab him and kill him so he would leave his family alone. I just can't imagine having this conversation with my children. I can't imagine how you get through something like that. I know that God has a plan for this family and that this will serve a purpose. I do know that but it still breaks my heart. Please pray for Chase Donnell and his family. Pray for good health for your own families-I know I sure will.

Lawn Decorations

2007-12-09T12:52:00.000-06:00

Here is a picture of the boys infront of one of our Christmas Lawn decorations

The house is too quiet

2007-12-06T19:55:00.000-06:00

We have something going on just about every night of the week. Tonight is my oldest sons basketball practice and I decided not to go. This is unusual for me as I usually go to all of thier practices. I have been sitting here for the last hour and a half realizing that I don't know what to do when my house is quiet. I seldom have the house to myself and am not sure I am comfortable having down time. Interesting that sometimes we get so tired of being so busy and yet that is realy where our comfort zone is. I have been catching up on reading blogs tonight. Please pray for Chase Donnell I don't know this family but was sent a prayer request a while back and have been reading his care page-chaserdonnell. It sounds as if the doctors have said there is nothing more that can be done for this little 10 year old boy. His mother posts on the care page and is a pillar of strength she said she is holding onto her mustard seed. I can't imagine hearing those words-there is nothing else we can do. How must a mother feel? I have always been so afraid that God will test me in that area as that is the one area that I struggle with. I know my children belong to him but I can't imagine having to give them up. For those of you that know that Conner has had some undiagnosed heart issues over the past year you know how worried I have been about that. He has worn a heart monitor but never seems ot have the episodes when he is wearing them. I have really struggled with worrying about him now that Basketball has started. I see him running up and down the court and half expect him to pass out. I have really had to remember that if God wanted to take him he could take him anywhere it wouldn't have to be a phsyical activity. I then read the blogs of mothers that are loosing thier children and they seem to have such faith and be so strong. I pray for all the mothers that are struggling with children's illnesses. I pray that God will bless my family with good health including my unborn child. I praise God for the family that he has blessed me with.
I count the minutes until they all return from basketball practice and I pray that when they start fighting five minutes after walking in the door that I will remember how much I missed them this evening when the house was so quiet. A good friend gave me a plaque that says God grant me patience to deal with my blessings. Can anyone else relate????

What is the Buzz about

2007-11-26T19:54:00.000-06:00

I had to do a quick post about being a bzz agent. I decided to do this about a month or two ago and love it. You get sent samples sent to you and you get to keep them it is free and all you have to do is tell people about what they sent you and get feedback and post it in an email to your buzz agent. I am only beginning this and have done three campaigns so far and today I got a sonic toothbrush electric in the mail. It is so cool. It came w/ a charger, a toothbrush, the tooth brush head and it even has a UV chamber to clean your toothbrush afterwards and it was all free...Go to www.BZZAGENT.com and sign up. You have to complete just a few of the surveys and then it takes a week or two before you get your first campaign.

I love this.

Memories from KS

2007-11-25T12:53:00.001-06:00

This is a picture of the bridge where Mike proposed. The bridge looks the same but Mike and I have sure changed.
The boys think this car of my Grandmothers is the bomb. They love it and beg to ride in it. I think she got it in the 80's and it doesn't even have 50,000 miles on it....

THANKSGIVING SO MUCH TO BE THANKFUL FOR

2007-11-25T12:41:00.000-06:00

I am taking a break from helping my husband put up Christmas lights to post this. We like to decorate for the holiday and I am so thankful that our neighbors do to. It makes it so much fun. Our neighbors moved in around the holidays and I will never forget my husband coming in and saying we will get along great they are out there hanging christmas lights.

We took a much needed week off and went to KS and spent Thanksgiving with our family. This was the first time in 13 years we have gotten to do that. While we were there we got to visit some of our childhood hangouts. Funny how you embelish things in your memory. We had so much fun taking the kids to visit and do the things we did when we were growing up in KS. We took them to see our elementary schools, where we both lived as children, the town that we went to college in, where we got married and we had them take a picutre of us on the bridge that Mike proposed to me at. I don't know if the kids enjoyed it as much as we did but they at least acted like they were interested. It was fun to be able to share a little bit of our history with our children. I think I enjoyed sharing with them as much as I enjoyed seeing our family. I am going to make a slide show of our trip and post it. I am so thankful for the family God has blessed me with.

So Sad....

2007-11-08T18:25:00.000-06:00

Today has been a very hard day. I could not stop crying. I keep thinking I see Bailey out of the corner of my eye. I didn't realize how much I would miss her paws clicking on the hardwood. I had no idea that I would be this sad. My oldest son is grieving outwardly the most and my husband can't talk about Bailey yet. Funny how we all grieve in different ways. I miss that silly old dog so much. She was so faithful and always sat with me while we watched tv. Last night in bed if felt funny not having to move my feet so that she could lay down. I know that God will help heal us all in time I just wish we were already at that point. I had an email sent to me today that I wanted to share on here...

Our dog is gone...............

2007-11-07T18:52:00.000-06:00

We made the difficult decision to put our dog Bailey to sleep today. I have had her for 16 years. My husband gave her to me before he was even my husband. She was such a good dog even when we weren't all that good to her. Before children she was our everything after having kids she kind of got pushed to the back burner but yet she was always faithful and good to us. This past year she really started having a hard time walking. It got worse over the last couple of weeks. We took her to the vet last week and they gave us medicine for her that made her very sick to her stomach and she started making messes all over the house. Today when I got home from work she was laying in a mess and just shaking like crazy. We agreed that although she might stop making messes the quality of life she was living was not good and we wanted better for her.

The hardest thing I have done so far is telling my kids we were going to do this. They made the decision to be in the room with her.It was very quick and she just went to sleep but Trey started screaming and crying for her. I wanted to say wait stop we don't want to do this but it was to late. I know in my heart she didn't have much of a life any more but at least she was still here. The hardest thing is that I have never seen my husband cry in 17 years and tonight I saw him cry several times. That broke me. Trey my oldest is really having a hard time tonight as is my husband. I hate seeing them so broken...I wish we would have never have had to make this decision. I prayed for God to just take her and I was a little mad that he didn't but I know he had a plan and there was a reason that we had to go through that....

Please pray for all my boys...............

God is soo soo good

2007-10-22T16:18:00.000-06:00

I just had to sing the praises of our Heavenly Father. Our God is so good. I feel so close to him right now and am going to try to always make time for him daily so that I will continue to feel close to him. I am starting to really see him as a Heavenly Father and not just some supreme being. I am so blessed to be his child and that he loves me from above. I went to a wonderful womans retreat by Tina Hutchinson who let me say has the most amazing gift and is going to be as well known as Beth Moore before long. I was surrounded by hurting woman and it made me realize how wonderful God has been to my family. I have a great husband, two great children with another one on the way. I have a good job and a nice house. I am so blessed. My problem is I start thinkging what is going to go wrong instead of just enjoying this season that God has blessed me with. I am going to start working on enjoying the hear and now and not waiting for the other shoe to fall. I had nothing profound to say I just wanted to world to know our Father is Good Always.

I asked and God answered

2007-10-11T17:37:00.001-06:00

I had to share this amazing story with everyone. About two months ago I started thinking I wanted another child. Then I would convince myself I didn't. I use to pray that God would allow me to get pregnant or take away the desire. After Sunday school one day I started praying that God would talk to me in a way that I could understand. I had always heard people say that God spoke to them and I wanted to hear that. I posted about this in the past. Let me back up by saying often on my way to work I would be praying and need confirmation of something and I would see a deer. I use to say God sent me deer when I needed to be aware of his prescense. I didn't know then that he was speaking to me through them. Ok back to the present about a month and a half ago I was on a walk with my husband and I was praying that he would let us discuss the idea of having another child. I totally put it in Gods hands and was ok with not having one or having one I just wanted the decision to be made. I was praying that Mike would give me an answer and as soon as I finished praying silently..Mike turned to me and said lets try to have another one. The next day on the way to work I was praying to God and telling him now I wasn't so sure that I wanted one but that whateve journey he took me on I would be delighted. I really wanted one but was scared at the same time. I was praying that God would direct me and as soon as I got finished I saw a momma deer and her THREE baby deer. I knew that stood for Trey, Conner and an unborn child. I smiled inside. Mike and I decided to try. I felt in Chicago that I was pregnant but knew that it was too soon to take a test. I went ahead and tried to take a test and it came back negative. The next day on the way to work I was praying to God and telling him I felt pregnant and could he please let me know if I was or not. I prayed and prayed and strained my eyes to see a deer. Suddenly I started laughing and said God you aren't going to send me a deer are you? Right then I looked to my left and there was a deer. I knew without a doubt that I was pregnant. I had to wait until this week to take a pregnancy test and actually I took 5 of them because I was in shock. Three came back positive because they were done early in the morning. I took two more that afternoon and they came back negative..even after I prayed that God would make just one more test come back positive adn the I would belive it. After they came back negative I went to the Dr and had blood drawn and it confirmed that I was indeed pregnant. I now know that God wasn't going to let any more of the tests come back positive as he had to have been so tired of me doubting him. I can see him up there now shaking his head saying WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT?? I did take another one later this week and it is DEFINATE we are adding on to the Sallee family. Please praise the wonderful name of our Lord with me. He has given me this testimony to share with others. I now now he was speaking to me all along through the deer that he would send to me. Our God is such an awesome God and the fact that he would bless me with a child the first time I tried is truly amazing. I love my heavenly father so much. Please pray that this will be a good pregnancy and a healthy child and join with me as we watch and see what this child will grow up to be or do....

Love Lisa