Putting down the baggage

I recently recieved a message via Facebook from a friend of mine that I met in Kindergarten. We remained friends thru our highschool years and the beginning of college until we allowed the time and distance to seperate us. Apparently she has been following me on Facebook for awhile and has seen many of my posts regarding my faith and felt comfortable reaching out to me. She said," Last night after I read your post I got teary-eyed. I embrace my faith and am raising the girls to do the same; some of my greatest joyful moments are when I actually witness it has taken root in thier hearts. however, I want some day to be able to look in the mirror and not see the broken teenager that made so many ridiculous decisions and mistakes that I wish I could take back. I know God has forgiven me but then in my doubtful moments-I wonder how he could. I want to enjoy the grown woman I am now-how do I get past the regret and let go? For goodness sakes-I'm weeks away from being 41." She went on to say that she had been wanting to send me that message for so many months but always felt so weak in comtemplating it. She said that one would think that given she has been an adult much longer than a short-sighted, thoughtless teenager that she would not be in this emotional pit, yet somehow she struggles. I cried when I got her message. The first thing that comes to mind is that I believe all women have felt this way at one time or the other. The problem is as my friend mentiones they feel too weak to admit it to anyone so instead we all walk around with a perfect mask on our face as if everything is ok while inside we are broken. I wish people could just be honest about how they feel. We could be such a great support system for each other. Unfortunately society tells us how we should look and how we should act and more often than not we listen. I tried to convey to her that we are so much more than our mistakes. We all have a past and choices we wish we could do over but it is those things that help build your tesitmony. It's those choices that help us to relate to others going thr those things currently and be able to speak to them with the wisdom of someone that has been there. We need to learn to use the word of God as our mirror. By carrying around the guilt we are carrying a burden we were never meant to carry. Jesus came for us and gives us grace that not one of us deserves. He is the one constant thing in our life. His feelings for us do not waiver. Even when we are not spending time with him as we should he doesn't leave. He is always waiting for us to come back to him. He never leaves us. We leave him. He see's so much more than our mistakes and if he can do that we need to learn how to do that as well. An analogy I gave her was for her to look at her beautiful daughters. If one day they make some of the same mistakes that are causing her guilt today would it change the way she loved them or even the way she looked at them? If they made the mistake when they were 19 would she still see that mistake when they became 41 or would she look past that and see the beautiful daughters that they are? I feel confident that she wouldn't look at them and see their past, her love for them is to great to judge them for 21 years. We need to learn to love ourselves hat much that we can see who we are now and not who we were then. I truly believe that this freedome can only be found in the word of God. He has removed our sins as far from us as the east is from the west. (Psalm 101:12, NLT) "I, even I, am he who blots out your transgressions, for my own sake, and remembers your sins no more. (Isaiah 43:25, NIV) If we can repent from our sins and move on with the knowledge that God has forgiven us we will begin to live life differently. What freedom there is in letting go of the baggage. People will notice that we are different and they will start watching us and asking us what is making the different. This is when we can share our testimony and make disciples which is the whole point of our existence.

Starting over and doing it right this time.

I have just spent the better part of the evening going back and looking at this blog. I started it in 2007 while so much is different so much is still the same. On my last post I had gotten off caffeine and lost 7 pounds. Tonight as I write this I have probably gained 10 pounds since the last post. I had gotten back on my Diet Cokes and actually just gave up caffeine Again 6 days ago. But what about the things that are truly important? God is doing some pretty amazing things in my life right now and I am so thankful. No, he hasn't blessed me with a bigger house, a million dollars, paid off all my debt or anything along those lines BUT he has allowed me the opportunity to get involved in youth ministry at our church. My story of how I got from where I started to where I am is such a funny one to me. It is a story full of dragging feet, stomping and saying No I WON'T until eventually I said yes I will and am so thankful that I did. You see, I was brought up in a Christian home. My mom made sure to drag my butt to church twice on Sundays and every Wednesday. In fact, the church that I went to was so small that we had the youth services in my house. My bedroom was the nursery. My mom made sure that I had biblical doctrine at a very early age and I am so incredibly thankful for that. It would provide very helpful when later on my life got crazy! My parents abandoned me in a sense as they struggled with alcoholism but I knew that God was always there. He was there when my mom forgot to pick me up from the bus stop because she was to drunk. He was there when not one but two fathers abandoned me and left me wondering what was wrong with me. He was there when my mom get sent to inpatient rehab and I got sent to live with family friends. He has always been there. Fast forward several years. My mom is now sober and has been for about 20 years. My real father-we are still praying for him to overcome his addiction. I married a man who at the time wasn't a Christ follower, we packed up our bags and moved to TN (sounds like the Beverly Hillbillies doesn't it?) We have three amazing boys that delight my heart every day. Some days I look at them and bust into tears that God entrusted them to me. We moved to Smyrna after about 4 years in Nashville. Our next door neighbors Kelly and Tim Watson and Sharon Sanqueza invited us to church. We started going to a church called Smyrna First Baptist. We attended this church for many years-probably about 10. That was all we did though was attend. Volunteering was something people who didn't work outside of the home did (that was my thought at the time) I was so bitter about already having to be at work 8 hours a day away from my kids I wasn't about to volunteer the free time I did have at church. I joined a group called God's Girls and met an amazing duo by the name of Natalie Wilson and Sherri Owenby. These two ladies inspired me to want to be like them. The light of Christ literally seeps out of their pores. They are amazing. Unfortunately I wanted to be like them but didn't want to have to do the work to be like them. I didn't want to give up my time to study Gods word (Remember, I am a working mother so I am already struggling to find enough hours in the day to get everything done. There was no way I was going to sit down and read the bible- a book that I probably couldn't understand anyhow) I continued to go to church and was proud to let anyone and everyone know that my family went to Smyrna First Baptist. We were obviously good people and good parents because we went to church and were raising our kids in church. I wanted to make sure everyone knew that we were doing life right. But boy was I WRONG. Trey my oldest son started going to the Creek with a friend of his on Wednesday nights. He met a man named R.C. Ford. To be quite honest I got a little tired of hearing the name R.C. around my house. I almost started tuning out when I heard R.C. did this or R.C. said that. I wanted Trey to come to his father and I for everything. Little did I know how what an impact those two initials R.C. would have on our families life. R.C. truly invested in Trey. He would come and get him on the weekends and take him to do things. He made Trey feel welcome in his home and comfortable with him. Then he started teaching Trey. He started sharing the word of God with Trey and encouraging Trey to spend time in God's word and not just listen to it. Soon Trey was coming home and having conversations that were biblically above my head. I figured it was time to check out the Creek and this R.C fellow. We tried the Creek on a Sunday morning and all 5 of us fell in love with it. Conner felt more comfortable there, Trey loved it, Tyler was to young to have an opinion and Mike and I liked it because the kids did. After all, going to church was really just for the kids to learn about God-right? Oh, so many times on this adventure I have been so wrong. A co-worker of mine Suzanne Budke attended the Creek. She volunteered my name to a lady by the name of Heidi Binder who called me to see if I would be interested in serving. I couldn't believe that someone would volunteer my name. Don't these people know that I work full time and I DON'T have the time to volunteer? Lucky for me Trey was already volunteering in the age group that Heidi needed me to volunteer in. Yes that's right, my son was volunteering but not his parents. You see R.C. had taught him well and somewhere along the way Trey was getting more things right than Mike and I were. They weren't going to let me off the hook that easily. They just so happened to have a need in the nursery. I said I would be willing to do that (only because I have trouble saying no and I was on the hook here)Then they told me they wanted a 1 year commitment. Are these people crazy? They want me to go from doing nothing to committing for a whole year? I remember telling the volunteer coordinator that I wasn't so sure about a 1 year commitment. She kept asking me what I was afraid of and I explained that the lack of having time for everything was something I struggled with. Geez people, I said yes isn't that enough? But luckily for me it wasn't. I convinced my husband to serve with me. We started going to church and serving first hour and then going home. You see, as I mentioned before time is a strong hold for me. I would go and serve but I wasn't going to stay for second service that would take another hour and a half out of my Sunday. No thank you. I would serve and go home. Serve, check it off the list, make sure that people knew I was serving so they could tell me what a good Christian I was and then go home. This worked out well for a couple of months until that R.C guy I mentioned sent me a nice little email. I can't recall the entire contents of it but basically it said that Trey was serving first hour and while that was very important it was also very important for Trey to stay for service. R.C. went on to ask why Trey wasn't staying for service, did he have transportation issues or was there something that was keeping him from staying? I can remember it like it was yesterday. I went home madder than a hornet telling Mike, "great!! now we have to stay for BOTH services. Mike asked me why and I said R.C. called us out" You see it was all about appearances to me at that point. I wasn't about to let someone make me look bad or think that I wasn't doing enough. God knew this to and that is why he put R.C. in my life. We started going to second service and guess what? We started learning. Now, you might think that would have been enough for good ol' R.C but for some reason he wouldn't leave us alone. The next email I got was inviting me to small group at his house. Are you kidding me? I have to stay for both services at church and now you want me to give up my Sunday evening to come to a small group? No, thank you we have plans. This was my response all three times that R.C. asked me to come to his small group. Finally the 4th time I decided we would go check it out. I wasn't very hopeful and once again only went to appear as the good Christian lady. In fact, the first month or so that was all it was for me. Yes, I said a month or so because we continued to go Sunday after Sunday after Sunday. Once again I made sure that people knew that I volunteered in the nursery and I belonged to small group and that we did life together :) Surely if I am doing all of these things I am a good Christian right? I don't really know when it happened but somewhere along the way God pricked our hearts and we started thirsting for his word. Mike became saved which was an answer to about 10 years of prayer and I got a hunger in me that for the first time ever food couldn't fill. We have been involved for about 3 years now and I have never looked back. R.C.'s wife Callie leads the Senior High School girls. I watched her from afar and I wanted to do that. For the first time ever I wanted to give up my time. I was so afraid that I wouldn't be as good as her or that the girls wouldn't like me. I was afraid that I would try it and fail. I remember mentioning that I might like to lead a group and Callie looked right at me and said well now that you mention it we do have a need. I sat with her and her group for about 6 months and although I didn't feel led to lead that group of girls I learned so much from her in that time. Callie and R.C. prepared me with the tools that I would soon need. When I told R.C and Callie that I didn't feel led to split the Senior girls once again they said, well...we know where there is a need. It is funny how God always works that out. I now lead the most amazing group of high school girls that keep me on my toes. They are inquisitive and question the word which forces me to learn scripture to teach them and re-assure them that God's word is the only truth. They have so many questions and so many insecurities that I can relate to. I want to share God's word with them and help them to understand there worth doesn't come from a friend, a boy friend, a fancy car, the new pair of jeans or anything like that. There worth should come in resting in God's word, the one that created them. The one that will always be faithful to them when others leave. I read back thru the pages of this blog and am amazed at how much I have grown. I am thankful that God used R.C. to encourage me to do more than just check of the list.I can't wait to share my testimony with the world and know that God is taking me in that direction. I can't wait to start this blog back up and share the amazing things that God is doing in my life and the lives of others around me.

I'm back :)

I think I want to start blogging again. Who know if anyone will read this or even notice that I have started but really it is about me. I stopped righting this in 2009 and so much has changed since then. I have started a new job, gotten very involved in church, now have a 17, 14 and 4 year old, have a better relationship with my husband than ever before...yet so much is still the same... still chasing that dream of being thin. I feel the call on my heart that God is bringing me closer to living my dream. I know that one day I am going to go around and be a public speaker for those that have battled weight loss issues or have low self esteem. I feel the stirring in my heart which means he is getting ready to change me and take me on a journey. I have learned long ago that his journeys aren't always fun but they are always necessary to grow. Mike and I started Weight Watchers together last week. I have been faithful to the program and incorporated the Advocare product Spark which I LOVE! It helped me get off those diet cokes that I was so addicted to. In my first week I have lost 7 lbs. It has been so easy this time as we are doing it together. Having the support and feeling like I am part of a team at home has been a huge help. I am also trying hard to remember that God made my body and it is my temple so I need to take care of it. I can't wait for the day when I can play with my kids without being ashamed. I have let my weight keep me from participating in so many family activities and it stops now.

It is never to much

I love when God speaks to me and I actually listen...I have been feeling very anxious lately. My husband is not one who openly talks about his feelings. It drives me crazy when I know something is wrong with him and yet I ask him about it and he tells me he is fine. It is kind of like when I was a kid and knew that things were crazy in my house but I was told no everything is just fine. You know the whole secret thing. I always feel like w/ my husband that if I was a better wife or if I was more approachable or more this or more that then he would be able to open up to me. I see him holding all the pain of his father dying so close to the surface but he won't allow himself to just grieve and let it out. It drives me crazy not to be able to fix him.

I went to work today with this on my mind and went into the bathroom and just started crying. I spoke out loud and said Lord this is to much..I have just been feeling all of the pressure from being away from home so much and then dealing w/ everything in therapy and then coming into work and being the professional and everything is fine. It just gets to be to much. I think I get tired of juggling all the different balls and roles. When I spoke out loud I immediately heard God say Lisa it is not to much, it is never to much because I will never give you to much. That is a promise I gave you.

It is so reassuring to know that he is by my side every step of the way. I pray that he can give Mike peace and comfort and soothe him in a way that only he can. I pray that he continues to remind me along the way of this whole crazy Eating disorder that he is there and gives me the courage to keep doing what I need to be doing even when I feel like it is to much.

Masks

Thursday nights we do art the last hour that we are there. It is really not about the art but rather about the expressions. The first Thursday night they gave us journals to decorate. It was rather relaxing sitting there cutting out words in a magazine and pasting them onto the journal. I didn't feel guilty that I was sitting there doing something meaningless instead of doing laundry or dishes or something else.

This Thursday they told us we were going to decorate masks. It is a cut out of your face. You are supposed to decorate the outside w/ all of the emotions that you have a hard time expressing and the inside w/ all of the emotions that you are comfortable with.

I had no idea how to start this. I had wanted to do a mask ever since I had seen some that another lady there had done. I wanted to do this so badly but didn't have the courage to start. I am not sure if it was because I didn't know how to portray the images on the mask or if I was afraid to try for fear of someone laughing at my mask. All I know is that I sat there almost the entire hour with tears running silently down my face. One of my friends there tried to talk me thru it. Tried to get me to start. I think it just made it worse. It seemed ridiculous to me that at almost 36 I was having to be talked thru an art project like a 5 year old.

It has been bugging me all day today. I am not a quitter. The only person I ever quit on is myself. I called the center and asked if they would consider letting me take a mask home to work on when I was by myself. I went by this afternoon and picked it up. I am going to try to start on it this evening and see where it takes me.

This whole process has been much more than I bargained for. I went in thinking that I just needed to learn how to diet better. I now have openly admitted that I have an eating disorder. I have finally realized that this has never been about the food. It is about some deep wombs and some very ugly truths I have about myself that have been forming in me since an adolescent. It is about going back, grieving for that girl and moving on. I know that as hard as this is on me and my family it is going to be worth so much more once I am on the other side of this very difficult journey.

Tuesdays Suck

I have now come to HATE Tuesdays with a passion. I was talking to my therapist at Renfrew about this today and she asked why I hated Tuesdays more than any of the other days that I go there. I explained to her that on the other days I felt like we just touched the surface but on Tuesdays I had to feel. I hate feeling and would rather eat then feel. Something about being in that room on Tuesday nights talking about triggers and the emotions and behaviors that follow just really gets to me. Suddenly I am not the 35 year old professional but rather a 6 year old little girl. I love and hate talking about therapy. I love it because so many people have told me that they have learned from me when I share things that I have learned. Many of the things apply rather you have an eating disorder or not. I hate therapy because I hate going back and talking about and feeling the crap that happened. I never want anyone to think I am wanting symphathy because that is not it, rather I am trying to go back in time and prove that I can live thru it and come out unscathed.

Tuesdays make me realize that this whole thing is not about food. For the last 13 years I have continally chased being thin. I have either worked out several times a day every day, purged, taken laxatives or just done the complete opposite and did nothing but eat. I thought all along that being thin was the key and that food was the enemy. Tuesdays have taught me that Food and God are really the only two things that have gotten me thru very hard points in my life. I now know that this is so much deeper then food and that is what hurts. My heart is heavy for the little girl whos dad drank to much and did who knows what to hurt her. My heart hurts for the step dad that left in the middle of the afternoon without even saying goodbye. I hate that my mom was an alcoholic for several years. It is only thru my kids that I can see that this isn't fair and that I didn't deserve any of it. I see my kids in thier innocence and the stability that I have tried so hard to give them and I know that it isn't fair. Once again, I am not reaching out for symphathy just trying so hard to understand this whole thing and get rid of all the core beliefs that I have about myself. The verbal abuse and all the attention that was focused on looks while I was growing up is something that doesn't easily go away.

Someone told me the other day that I was a control freak! Really you think so? Of course I am and that is because for many formative years NOTHING was in my control. Of course I try like heck to control things now but what most people don't know is that it is exhausting to do this. Everyday I try to control things that are so far out of my control and then am constantly disappointed because I can never control things to the degree of perfection that I want to. It wears a person out. It is a family joke that I wanted the Leave it to Beaver life. Once again I don't think people realize how self-destructive it has been for me to chase after that non-existent family.

I am so grateful that my mother found the strength to chose life over alcohol. I dont' condem or judge or for what she did becase I have done the exact same thing except with food. I hate that my father has yet to find the courage to stop drinking while even on his death bed. I can't imagine that reality is worse then the hell that he chooses to live in.

Mike has been incredibly supportive throughout this journey and I am so grateful that he has held on thru this crazy ride of life. We have grown closer in the last three weeks as he has been much more help around the house and with the kids. Probably because I never allowed him to help before. He is proving to me that he can take care of us.

Just some random thoughts for the night.

God Bless