Putting down the baggage

I recently recieved a message via Facebook from a friend of mine that I met in Kindergarten. We remained friends thru our highschool years and the beginning of college until we allowed the time and distance to seperate us. Apparently she has been following me on Facebook for awhile and has seen many of my posts regarding my faith and felt comfortable reaching out to me. She said," Last night after I read your post I got teary-eyed. I embrace my faith and am raising the girls to do the same; some of my greatest joyful moments are when I actually witness it has taken root in thier hearts. however, I want some day to be able to look in the mirror and not see the broken teenager that made so many ridiculous decisions and mistakes that I wish I could take back. I know God has forgiven me but then in my doubtful moments-I wonder how he could. I want to enjoy the grown woman I am now-how do I get past the regret and let go? For goodness sakes-I'm weeks away from being 41." She went on to say that she had been wanting to send me that message for so many months but always felt so weak in comtemplating it. She said that one would think that given she has been an adult much longer than a short-sighted, thoughtless teenager that she would not be in this emotional pit, yet somehow she struggles. I cried when I got her message. The first thing that comes to mind is that I believe all women have felt this way at one time or the other. The problem is as my friend mentiones they feel too weak to admit it to anyone so instead we all walk around with a perfect mask on our face as if everything is ok while inside we are broken. I wish people could just be honest about how they feel. We could be such a great support system for each other. Unfortunately society tells us how we should look and how we should act and more often than not we listen. I tried to convey to her that we are so much more than our mistakes. We all have a past and choices we wish we could do over but it is those things that help build your tesitmony. It's those choices that help us to relate to others going thr those things currently and be able to speak to them with the wisdom of someone that has been there. We need to learn to use the word of God as our mirror. By carrying around the guilt we are carrying a burden we were never meant to carry. Jesus came for us and gives us grace that not one of us deserves. He is the one constant thing in our life. His feelings for us do not waiver. Even when we are not spending time with him as we should he doesn't leave. He is always waiting for us to come back to him. He never leaves us. We leave him. He see's so much more than our mistakes and if he can do that we need to learn how to do that as well. An analogy I gave her was for her to look at her beautiful daughters. If one day they make some of the same mistakes that are causing her guilt today would it change the way she loved them or even the way she looked at them? If they made the mistake when they were 19 would she still see that mistake when they became 41 or would she look past that and see the beautiful daughters that they are? I feel confident that she wouldn't look at them and see their past, her love for them is to great to judge them for 21 years. We need to learn to love ourselves hat much that we can see who we are now and not who we were then. I truly believe that this freedome can only be found in the word of God. He has removed our sins as far from us as the east is from the west. (Psalm 101:12, NLT) "I, even I, am he who blots out your transgressions, for my own sake, and remembers your sins no more. (Isaiah 43:25, NIV) If we can repent from our sins and move on with the knowledge that God has forgiven us we will begin to live life differently. What freedom there is in letting go of the baggage. People will notice that we are different and they will start watching us and asking us what is making the different. This is when we can share our testimony and make disciples which is the whole point of our existence.

Starting over and doing it right this time.

I have just spent the better part of the evening going back and looking at this blog. I started it in 2007 while so much is different so much is still the same. On my last post I had gotten off caffeine and lost 7 pounds. Tonight as I write this I have probably gained 10 pounds since the last post. I had gotten back on my Diet Cokes and actually just gave up caffeine Again 6 days ago. But what about the things that are truly important? God is doing some pretty amazing things in my life right now and I am so thankful. No, he hasn't blessed me with a bigger house, a million dollars, paid off all my debt or anything along those lines BUT he has allowed me the opportunity to get involved in youth ministry at our church. My story of how I got from where I started to where I am is such a funny one to me. It is a story full of dragging feet, stomping and saying No I WON'T until eventually I said yes I will and am so thankful that I did. You see, I was brought up in a Christian home. My mom made sure to drag my butt to church twice on Sundays and every Wednesday. In fact, the church that I went to was so small that we had the youth services in my house. My bedroom was the nursery. My mom made sure that I had biblical doctrine at a very early age and I am so incredibly thankful for that. It would provide very helpful when later on my life got crazy! My parents abandoned me in a sense as they struggled with alcoholism but I knew that God was always there. He was there when my mom forgot to pick me up from the bus stop because she was to drunk. He was there when not one but two fathers abandoned me and left me wondering what was wrong with me. He was there when my mom get sent to inpatient rehab and I got sent to live with family friends. He has always been there. Fast forward several years. My mom is now sober and has been for about 20 years. My real father-we are still praying for him to overcome his addiction. I married a man who at the time wasn't a Christ follower, we packed up our bags and moved to TN (sounds like the Beverly Hillbillies doesn't it?) We have three amazing boys that delight my heart every day. Some days I look at them and bust into tears that God entrusted them to me. We moved to Smyrna after about 4 years in Nashville. Our next door neighbors Kelly and Tim Watson and Sharon Sanqueza invited us to church. We started going to a church called Smyrna First Baptist. We attended this church for many years-probably about 10. That was all we did though was attend. Volunteering was something people who didn't work outside of the home did (that was my thought at the time) I was so bitter about already having to be at work 8 hours a day away from my kids I wasn't about to volunteer the free time I did have at church. I joined a group called God's Girls and met an amazing duo by the name of Natalie Wilson and Sherri Owenby. These two ladies inspired me to want to be like them. The light of Christ literally seeps out of their pores. They are amazing. Unfortunately I wanted to be like them but didn't want to have to do the work to be like them. I didn't want to give up my time to study Gods word (Remember, I am a working mother so I am already struggling to find enough hours in the day to get everything done. There was no way I was going to sit down and read the bible- a book that I probably couldn't understand anyhow) I continued to go to church and was proud to let anyone and everyone know that my family went to Smyrna First Baptist. We were obviously good people and good parents because we went to church and were raising our kids in church. I wanted to make sure everyone knew that we were doing life right. But boy was I WRONG. Trey my oldest son started going to the Creek with a friend of his on Wednesday nights. He met a man named R.C. Ford. To be quite honest I got a little tired of hearing the name R.C. around my house. I almost started tuning out when I heard R.C. did this or R.C. said that. I wanted Trey to come to his father and I for everything. Little did I know how what an impact those two initials R.C. would have on our families life. R.C. truly invested in Trey. He would come and get him on the weekends and take him to do things. He made Trey feel welcome in his home and comfortable with him. Then he started teaching Trey. He started sharing the word of God with Trey and encouraging Trey to spend time in God's word and not just listen to it. Soon Trey was coming home and having conversations that were biblically above my head. I figured it was time to check out the Creek and this R.C fellow. We tried the Creek on a Sunday morning and all 5 of us fell in love with it. Conner felt more comfortable there, Trey loved it, Tyler was to young to have an opinion and Mike and I liked it because the kids did. After all, going to church was really just for the kids to learn about God-right? Oh, so many times on this adventure I have been so wrong. A co-worker of mine Suzanne Budke attended the Creek. She volunteered my name to a lady by the name of Heidi Binder who called me to see if I would be interested in serving. I couldn't believe that someone would volunteer my name. Don't these people know that I work full time and I DON'T have the time to volunteer? Lucky for me Trey was already volunteering in the age group that Heidi needed me to volunteer in. Yes that's right, my son was volunteering but not his parents. You see R.C. had taught him well and somewhere along the way Trey was getting more things right than Mike and I were. They weren't going to let me off the hook that easily. They just so happened to have a need in the nursery. I said I would be willing to do that (only because I have trouble saying no and I was on the hook here)Then they told me they wanted a 1 year commitment. Are these people crazy? They want me to go from doing nothing to committing for a whole year? I remember telling the volunteer coordinator that I wasn't so sure about a 1 year commitment. She kept asking me what I was afraid of and I explained that the lack of having time for everything was something I struggled with. Geez people, I said yes isn't that enough? But luckily for me it wasn't. I convinced my husband to serve with me. We started going to church and serving first hour and then going home. You see, as I mentioned before time is a strong hold for me. I would go and serve but I wasn't going to stay for second service that would take another hour and a half out of my Sunday. No thank you. I would serve and go home. Serve, check it off the list, make sure that people knew I was serving so they could tell me what a good Christian I was and then go home. This worked out well for a couple of months until that R.C guy I mentioned sent me a nice little email. I can't recall the entire contents of it but basically it said that Trey was serving first hour and while that was very important it was also very important for Trey to stay for service. R.C. went on to ask why Trey wasn't staying for service, did he have transportation issues or was there something that was keeping him from staying? I can remember it like it was yesterday. I went home madder than a hornet telling Mike, "great!! now we have to stay for BOTH services. Mike asked me why and I said R.C. called us out" You see it was all about appearances to me at that point. I wasn't about to let someone make me look bad or think that I wasn't doing enough. God knew this to and that is why he put R.C. in my life. We started going to second service and guess what? We started learning. Now, you might think that would have been enough for good ol' R.C but for some reason he wouldn't leave us alone. The next email I got was inviting me to small group at his house. Are you kidding me? I have to stay for both services at church and now you want me to give up my Sunday evening to come to a small group? No, thank you we have plans. This was my response all three times that R.C. asked me to come to his small group. Finally the 4th time I decided we would go check it out. I wasn't very hopeful and once again only went to appear as the good Christian lady. In fact, the first month or so that was all it was for me. Yes, I said a month or so because we continued to go Sunday after Sunday after Sunday. Once again I made sure that people knew that I volunteered in the nursery and I belonged to small group and that we did life together :) Surely if I am doing all of these things I am a good Christian right? I don't really know when it happened but somewhere along the way God pricked our hearts and we started thirsting for his word. Mike became saved which was an answer to about 10 years of prayer and I got a hunger in me that for the first time ever food couldn't fill. We have been involved for about 3 years now and I have never looked back. R.C.'s wife Callie leads the Senior High School girls. I watched her from afar and I wanted to do that. For the first time ever I wanted to give up my time. I was so afraid that I wouldn't be as good as her or that the girls wouldn't like me. I was afraid that I would try it and fail. I remember mentioning that I might like to lead a group and Callie looked right at me and said well now that you mention it we do have a need. I sat with her and her group for about 6 months and although I didn't feel led to lead that group of girls I learned so much from her in that time. Callie and R.C. prepared me with the tools that I would soon need. When I told R.C and Callie that I didn't feel led to split the Senior girls once again they said, well...we know where there is a need. It is funny how God always works that out. I now lead the most amazing group of high school girls that keep me on my toes. They are inquisitive and question the word which forces me to learn scripture to teach them and re-assure them that God's word is the only truth. They have so many questions and so many insecurities that I can relate to. I want to share God's word with them and help them to understand there worth doesn't come from a friend, a boy friend, a fancy car, the new pair of jeans or anything like that. There worth should come in resting in God's word, the one that created them. The one that will always be faithful to them when others leave. I read back thru the pages of this blog and am amazed at how much I have grown. I am thankful that God used R.C. to encourage me to do more than just check of the list.I can't wait to share my testimony with the world and know that God is taking me in that direction. I can't wait to start this blog back up and share the amazing things that God is doing in my life and the lives of others around me.

I'm back :)

I think I want to start blogging again. Who know if anyone will read this or even notice that I have started but really it is about me. I stopped righting this in 2009 and so much has changed since then. I have started a new job, gotten very involved in church, now have a 17, 14 and 4 year old, have a better relationship with my husband than ever before...yet so much is still the same... still chasing that dream of being thin. I feel the call on my heart that God is bringing me closer to living my dream. I know that one day I am going to go around and be a public speaker for those that have battled weight loss issues or have low self esteem. I feel the stirring in my heart which means he is getting ready to change me and take me on a journey. I have learned long ago that his journeys aren't always fun but they are always necessary to grow. Mike and I started Weight Watchers together last week. I have been faithful to the program and incorporated the Advocare product Spark which I LOVE! It helped me get off those diet cokes that I was so addicted to. In my first week I have lost 7 lbs. It has been so easy this time as we are doing it together. Having the support and feeling like I am part of a team at home has been a huge help. I am also trying hard to remember that God made my body and it is my temple so I need to take care of it. I can't wait for the day when I can play with my kids without being ashamed. I have let my weight keep me from participating in so many family activities and it stops now.

It is never to much

I love when God speaks to me and I actually listen...I have been feeling very anxious lately. My husband is not one who openly talks about his feelings. It drives me crazy when I know something is wrong with him and yet I ask him about it and he tells me he is fine. It is kind of like when I was a kid and knew that things were crazy in my house but I was told no everything is just fine. You know the whole secret thing. I always feel like w/ my husband that if I was a better wife or if I was more approachable or more this or more that then he would be able to open up to me. I see him holding all the pain of his father dying so close to the surface but he won't allow himself to just grieve and let it out. It drives me crazy not to be able to fix him.

I went to work today with this on my mind and went into the bathroom and just started crying. I spoke out loud and said Lord this is to much..I have just been feeling all of the pressure from being away from home so much and then dealing w/ everything in therapy and then coming into work and being the professional and everything is fine. It just gets to be to much. I think I get tired of juggling all the different balls and roles. When I spoke out loud I immediately heard God say Lisa it is not to much, it is never to much because I will never give you to much. That is a promise I gave you.

It is so reassuring to know that he is by my side every step of the way. I pray that he can give Mike peace and comfort and soothe him in a way that only he can. I pray that he continues to remind me along the way of this whole crazy Eating disorder that he is there and gives me the courage to keep doing what I need to be doing even when I feel like it is to much.

Masks

Thursday nights we do art the last hour that we are there. It is really not about the art but rather about the expressions. The first Thursday night they gave us journals to decorate. It was rather relaxing sitting there cutting out words in a magazine and pasting them onto the journal. I didn't feel guilty that I was sitting there doing something meaningless instead of doing laundry or dishes or something else.

This Thursday they told us we were going to decorate masks. It is a cut out of your face. You are supposed to decorate the outside w/ all of the emotions that you have a hard time expressing and the inside w/ all of the emotions that you are comfortable with.

I had no idea how to start this. I had wanted to do a mask ever since I had seen some that another lady there had done. I wanted to do this so badly but didn't have the courage to start. I am not sure if it was because I didn't know how to portray the images on the mask or if I was afraid to try for fear of someone laughing at my mask. All I know is that I sat there almost the entire hour with tears running silently down my face. One of my friends there tried to talk me thru it. Tried to get me to start. I think it just made it worse. It seemed ridiculous to me that at almost 36 I was having to be talked thru an art project like a 5 year old.

It has been bugging me all day today. I am not a quitter. The only person I ever quit on is myself. I called the center and asked if they would consider letting me take a mask home to work on when I was by myself. I went by this afternoon and picked it up. I am going to try to start on it this evening and see where it takes me.

This whole process has been much more than I bargained for. I went in thinking that I just needed to learn how to diet better. I now have openly admitted that I have an eating disorder. I have finally realized that this has never been about the food. It is about some deep wombs and some very ugly truths I have about myself that have been forming in me since an adolescent. It is about going back, grieving for that girl and moving on. I know that as hard as this is on me and my family it is going to be worth so much more once I am on the other side of this very difficult journey.

Tuesdays Suck

I have now come to HATE Tuesdays with a passion. I was talking to my therapist at Renfrew about this today and she asked why I hated Tuesdays more than any of the other days that I go there. I explained to her that on the other days I felt like we just touched the surface but on Tuesdays I had to feel. I hate feeling and would rather eat then feel. Something about being in that room on Tuesday nights talking about triggers and the emotions and behaviors that follow just really gets to me. Suddenly I am not the 35 year old professional but rather a 6 year old little girl. I love and hate talking about therapy. I love it because so many people have told me that they have learned from me when I share things that I have learned. Many of the things apply rather you have an eating disorder or not. I hate therapy because I hate going back and talking about and feeling the crap that happened. I never want anyone to think I am wanting symphathy because that is not it, rather I am trying to go back in time and prove that I can live thru it and come out unscathed.

Tuesdays make me realize that this whole thing is not about food. For the last 13 years I have continally chased being thin. I have either worked out several times a day every day, purged, taken laxatives or just done the complete opposite and did nothing but eat. I thought all along that being thin was the key and that food was the enemy. Tuesdays have taught me that Food and God are really the only two things that have gotten me thru very hard points in my life. I now know that this is so much deeper then food and that is what hurts. My heart is heavy for the little girl whos dad drank to much and did who knows what to hurt her. My heart hurts for the step dad that left in the middle of the afternoon without even saying goodbye. I hate that my mom was an alcoholic for several years. It is only thru my kids that I can see that this isn't fair and that I didn't deserve any of it. I see my kids in thier innocence and the stability that I have tried so hard to give them and I know that it isn't fair. Once again, I am not reaching out for symphathy just trying so hard to understand this whole thing and get rid of all the core beliefs that I have about myself. The verbal abuse and all the attention that was focused on looks while I was growing up is something that doesn't easily go away.

Someone told me the other day that I was a control freak! Really you think so? Of course I am and that is because for many formative years NOTHING was in my control. Of course I try like heck to control things now but what most people don't know is that it is exhausting to do this. Everyday I try to control things that are so far out of my control and then am constantly disappointed because I can never control things to the degree of perfection that I want to. It wears a person out. It is a family joke that I wanted the Leave it to Beaver life. Once again I don't think people realize how self-destructive it has been for me to chase after that non-existent family.

I am so grateful that my mother found the strength to chose life over alcohol. I dont' condem or judge or for what she did becase I have done the exact same thing except with food. I hate that my father has yet to find the courage to stop drinking while even on his death bed. I can't imagine that reality is worse then the hell that he chooses to live in.

Mike has been incredibly supportive throughout this journey and I am so grateful that he has held on thru this crazy ride of life. We have grown closer in the last three weeks as he has been much more help around the house and with the kids. Probably because I never allowed him to help before. He is proving to me that he can take care of us.

Just some random thoughts for the night.

God Bless

Eating disorders

Last night was the toughest night by far. I had many thoughts come to mind that helped make this whole thing make sense to me. While I don't think it is fair to post all of it in detail because of my family I want to say that I understand now that an eating disorder serves a purpose. Often it is a person crying out for help. I think in my part it serves many purposes-the main one being that if I fail at something or someone doesn't like me I can blame it on being fat and disgusting, or maybe if Mike were to ever leave me I could blame it on the fat. I think that I feel disgusting on the inside due to many past life events and that I have been trying to match the outside to it just to prove to people that they are right and that I was not adequate.

Out patient is so hard because you get the break through and then it is time to go home it is like the pain is so raw and you have to leave with it.

Tonight I couldn't finish my meal because I had a lump in my throat I couldn't get the food through-believe me that was a first for me.

Anyhow just wanted to post real quickly-off to work

Random weekend ramblings

We just got back from Atlant this evening. Over all we had a great time. The room at the Hyatt that I scored for $90.00 was probably the nicest room we have ever stayed in. It even beat the Omni in San Diego. Trey and I didn't get to watch any of the Braves game as Tyler decided he wasn't going to sit still so Trey and I literally walked around the ball park with him the entire time. It was some good time spent with Trey. I am going to miss him next week while he is at camp.

About my last post. Mike and I have talked alot about this over the weekend and perhaps people have always loved me unconditionally for the most part. I think that most of the stipulations that I feel are put on me by me. I often think that if I could just be a better wife, if I was prettier, thinner, or if I was a better mom, perhaps more fun etc then the people closest to me would love me more. I don't think that is the case. I think that they love me for who I am and I just have to learn to love me...

I did pretty good all weekend until we got home tonight. I got stressed out at Walmart because Tyler was in rare form and then Conner lost the Red Box movie he had gotten he finally found it in a shelf in the store but it was a long trip to the store at 9:30 at night. I grabbed a candy bar on the way out and then got into the boys candy when we got home. I realized what I was doing and just tried to sit and relax. I have noticed that Mike has been helping out more lately this week and that we are communicating better as well.

I am trying to trust my body when my mind doesn't tell me that I am full. It is very uncomfortable for me to not be stuffed. I am trying to learn that I won't starve and that I can always have something else if I have to but to try to trust that the feeling of emptiness will go away if I have eaten a well balanced meal. I have always felt like I needed to eat everything in case we ran out of food or something happened. I honestly start to panic when I get hungry-it is not a feeling I am comfortable with at all.

I am praying that my insurance will contine to let me stay in outpatient. I thought it was all taken care of but this weekend I got a letter that they only approved six visits. I am enrolled in the program for six weeks. I guess I will just pray that they will work it out.

Need to get to bed just wanted to post

One week down

So I have officially completed my first week of IOP program. I am so full of emotion and thoughts that I can't really get it all out but I have a few things I want to share. I went on Monday and left not being real sure if that was the place for me. I didn't struggle w/ eating and purging, I didn't struggle w/ not being able to eat. My issue was not being able to stop and because of that I physically look different than the other girls. Tuesday I told my counselor that the program was ridiculous and that I didn't belong there and what I needed was some counseling and a good diet. She begged me to leave my diet, restrict mentality at the door for two months and to continue to come and told me my body would find its natural weight. I told her that I thought she was telling me to accept myself as Fat and I would never do that. I went ahead and went that night and was able to open up a little bit to the ladies in the room. I left feeling pretty good. Wednesday we had a free night and so when I went back tonight I was a little reluctant. I met w/ my counselor again before program and told her I really didn't think it was the place for me. I figured the girls were looking at me and were disgusted because I am fat and that is what caused them to get thier eating disorders in the begining. She told me I didn't have a clue and dared me to go in the room and tell them that. I told her that I couldn't because they would kick my tail for not taking there disorder seriously. I told her I didnt' get how they thought they were fat because they are all gorgeous. I am not kidding there really isn't a plain looking woman in that room. I went ahead and went to the program and somehow w/in the first twenty minutes I blurted out that I didn't think I belonged because I was fat and that I represented everything that they didn't want to be. I told them I was sorry but that I spent the whole hours wanting to be them wanting to be thin like them. Those girls...they were so good to me and explained that the shame, guilt and anger that I experience when I go on a binge is the same exact feelings they get and that the issue isn't weight it is the feelings. Dealing with the feelings that is. They validated me, they made me feel safe and comfortable and the funny thing is I didn't want to leave. I wanted to stay, I wanted to stay where everyone understood what I was saying, where I could see a bit of myself in the eyes of every woman in that room. Where I was accepted and liked and dare I say loved just for being me. There were no strings attached. They don't even know me. They don't know if I am a good mother, a good employee, a good friend or a good wife. All they know is that I struggle in the same way that they do. They know that I am willing to go in and bare my soul and have blind faith that they won't abuse that or use it to harm me. They know that I am me-imperfections and all and they still want me to come back. They like me because I am me.

Here we go..

So today is the day that I start my IOP program for people with body image/eating disorders. I got up this morning and wrote out a menu for Mike for the days that I will be gone this week (It is every Monday, Tuesday and Thursday) from 5-8 so I won't be home until close to 9 on those nights and leave my house at 6AM every morning. I am in for some long days :) I browned hamburger and prepared meals that he could just pop in the microwave. Once I had all that done I had some nervous energy and had some time to think about what I was getting ready to embark on. All weekend I had a little bit of sadness and kept feeling like it was my last weekend. I really couldn't figure out why I was getting so sentimential but then I realized it is my last weekend. My last weekend of my old self. I got to thinking about it this morning and started getting cold feet. I thought I could really just not show up because I could just deal w/ it on my own and things weren't really that bad. I was trying to reason in my head that it was ok to skip it tonight and just keep on living as I have been. I then remembered that the defination of insanity is doing the same thing over and over thinking you will get differnt results. I want to be different so badly and know that I must do this in order to make those changes. My Jesus Calling book today said alot of things but one thing it said that made me stop in my tracks was...You are on the brink of rebellion, precariously close to shaking your fist in my face. You are tempted to indulge in just a little complaining aboy my treatment of you. But once you step over that line, torrents of rage and self pity can sweep you away the best protection against the indulgence is thanksgiving. It is impossible to thank me and curse me at the same time.
Thanking me for trials will feel awkward and contrived at first. But if you persist, your thankful words, prayed in faith will eventually make a difference in your heat. Thankfullnes awakens you to my presence which over shadows all your problems.

So...I am thanking God right now for all of this. I am thanking him for bringing me to the point of knowing I need help and giving me the courage to go seek it no matter how selfish I feel doing it. I am going to reveal in Thankfulness and know that when I step thru those doors tonight, scared, weak and humbled that he will be right there by my side.

I am also going to try to post positives thru out this journey and one thing that I was so proud of was that Saturday I went to Conners baseball party. It was so hard as there were lots of very thin moms swimming in bikinis and normally I would have been intimidated and hated every moment of it but I was determined not to fall into that same pattern. I actually had a nice time which meant Mike and the kids had a good time :) And then Sunday we went to camp widjiwagon for family day. I actually had decided I was wearing my suit and getting in the water w/ the boys and going to play and have a good time. We all had alot of fun and I was so glad that I was able to put my self-consciousnes to the side and have fun. We made some great memories.

God Bless you all.

Fear not

Yesterday I was driving down the road thinking about Fathers Day and how quickly it was approaching. I am a little nervous as this is Mike's first Fathers day without his father. I am not sure how to help him thru it. I was getting teary thinking about it and I spoke out loud saying God it is so wrong that you took his father away from him. I was quickly reminded that God doesn't make mistakes. I had to find some solace in that fact. I have been thinking about how quickly that thought came to mind and how really it carries to every aspect of our life. When we spend time wishing things were different or being afraid we are missing out on seeing God right there beside us. He promises to never forsake us and that we have nothing to fear as he will never leave us. What a freeing thought that could be and how different our lives have the potential to be if we can just start living in the moment with God. I for one spend so much time worrying about things and knowing full well that God already knows the outsome and so my worrying does nothing but cause me physical stress. If I could just remember that he is in the moment with me and that there is no reason to fear. God doesn't make mistakes-what a freeing thought.

Happy Birthday Tyler

A year ago today I was sitting in the triage room at Baptist Hospital. I had gone to the hospital with the hopes of being induced. My Dr. and I had a plan. I found out a few hours later that I was going to deliver Tyler Jackson Sallee that day via C-Section. He was born at 10:40AM weighing 9.6lbs and was 20 inches long. I feel in love with him the moment that I saw him. There was something about him that made people gravitate towards him. Even the nurses commented on it several times. I had no idea how that little boy was going to change our family dynamics. I immediately saw a different side of my oldest son as he grew before my eyes and assumed the role of protector for Tyler. When Tyler was in the incubator for his Jaundice it broke Treys heart. I was so impressed with Trey's immediate compassion for Tyler. We only got to see him for 30 minutes every 3 hours to feed him. Trey got to feed him during one of those periods and I knew then what a great big brother he would be. Conner who had always been my baby was so nervous around Tyler for the first few weeks that he made Tyler nervous and Tyler would cry everytime Conner went to hold him. One day I realized that when Trey wasn't around Conner was quick to step into the big brother role to Tyler with all of the confidence in the world. I don't think Tyler has a clue how these two boys fell in love with him from the moment they saw him. To this date they marvel at everything Tyler can do and are so proud of his accomplishements. They are two of his biggest supporters. I loved seeing the tender side of Mike, the side that was in awe of God's miracle. For so long I had only seen the rough side of Mike that would wrestle w/ the boys and play tough. I had forgotten that Mike had a completely different nuturing side to him as well. I couldn't do it without Mike. I lean on him and look for his support now more than ever and he never fails to be there. He has yet to let me down. My boys are very lucky to have him as a father.

I can't wait to see what God has in store for this little guy. He is loved by so many and I think God is going to do great things with him. It is amazing to think that God formed him in my womb just as he wanted him and that God knows what he will be doing years from now.

Tyler Jackson Sallee....Mommy loves you and thanks God for you every day. You definately filled a spot in my heart that I didn't know was empty.

Once my baby always my baby

I bet you thought this post would be about Tyler. Fooled you. I had to take a moment and share something that happened this weekend that melted my heart. Mike and Conner had plans to work at the concession stand on Saturday night from 5-9. Trey and I talked about running errands in Murfreesboro to get ready for Tylers birthday party this coming weekend. Mike and Conner left to go to the park and Trey came down and told me that his friend had called and asked him to spend the night. I said oh ok do I need to take you or they coming to pick you up. Trey answered that he had told his friend that he couldn't go because he was spending some quality time with his mother. I said did you really tell him that and Trey said sheepishly no..I just said I couldn't come over. I asked him why he didn't go and told him Tyler and I would just play for the evening. Trey said that he didn't want to go becuase he had been away from home the last two nights and wanted to spend time with me. We had a great time. We went out to eat and to some stores. Of course Trey scored a brand new pair of tennis shoes before the night was over. I loved when I pulled into the house and Trey said mom this was really fun. I told him that I never did anything in my life to deserve such a great kid and that I hoped he knew how much I loved him. I love when we are in the car together it is really our time to talk and catch up with each other. He is a great kid and I am super proud of him.

Prayer works

I almost forgot that I had to share this story with you. Friday we were waiting to see if Mike's truck was going to be back in time for our annual Memorial day camping trip to Barren River. It was getting down to the wire when they called and said it would be ready. I took Mike to get his truck and then went and picked Trey and Tyler up from school and daycare. When we got home Mike was working on hooking the camper up to the truck. I could see he was having some problems with the break lights on the camper working. He asked Trey to come out and see if he could help him. Trey came back about ten minutes later just shaking his head. I asked Trey if Mike was able to get the lights working and he said no. I asked if Mike was mad and Trey responded that was an understatement. I then asked Trey if Mike was cursing. Trey said oh yeah. Trey sat down and we just looked at each other like great weekend this is starting out to be. I asked Trey if he thought we should pray for the lights to start working. Trey said I don't know. I told him I would pray. I told him first I had to repent of my sins and then my prayer went something like this. "Dear God if it is your will I pray that you will allow Mike's lights to start working on the camper. If it is your will that they work I pray that you will allow Mike to get rid of the anger and just come in and ask if we are ready to go. I pray that he will be able to relax and forget how mad he has been and we can all have a great weekend. If it is not your will to fix the lights I pray that you will give Mike and the rest of us peace with not going camping and allow us another way to have fun this weekend." I had just barely opened my eyes when Mike came thru the door asking if I was ready to go. I said are the lights working and he said Yep they just started working. I wish everyone could have seen the look on Trey's face. I promise you that his jaw dropped and he just started laughing hysterically. Mike was confused by this sudden outburst of laughter so we had to explain what we had just prayed. I LOVE when God works like that. He loves to suprise us with his timing and I loved that Trey was around to witness that first hand.

Today at work a girl was very upset because she had lost a funding package. I asked her if she had prayed about it and she said not yet. I told her about the story of the brake lights and said why don't you pray about the package. It wasn't 5 minutes later when she came in w/ the package and said I just prayed about it and then without even asking anyone here if they had seen it a co-worker walked up to her out of the blue and said are you looking for this. That is what I mean. Nothing and I mean NOTHING is to small to ask God for help with. I can't tell you the countless amt of times I have dropped something and couldn't find it and asked God for the ability to find it and suddenly it is right there. Our God has a great sense of humor and it amazes me how much easier things would be if we could condition ourselves to seek him first.

I love that God of ours.

Stood up

So today I leave work a little early to go to my counseling appointment. I wait for about 20 minutes when finally someone comes out to see if I have been helped. I tell them no and that I had an appointment at 1:30 with ________ the receptionist then tells me that _____________had called in sick today and she was sorry that noone had called me. Good thing I wasn't nearing a nervous breakdown. That is kind of like calling the suicide hot line and being placed on hold. I guess I will take that $25.00 co-pay that I saved today and go buy something nice.

I got a call this weekend that my father was in the hospital and my grandfather thought his organs were shutting down. Boy did that throw me for a loop. All the anger kind of melted away at my father and I was able to see him for the poor pathetic weak person that he is. I hate that he doesnt' have the courage to face reality because I think that true reality could never be as harsh as his fear of it. I think he would be amazed at the relationship that he could have with my brother and I if he could just put away the bottle. I feel such sadness knowing that this man could possibly die without ever getting to know his grandchildren or knowing how great my brother and I turned out. My father is a good person that just made some bad choices in his life. I spoke to my father and let him know that I did love him but that I had to seperate from the alcohol and if he was able to pull out of this and ever get himself sober I would be there with open arms. I can forgive him for all of the past and that is such a freeing feeling.

I learned over this weekend that I allow people to disapoint me because I expect them to. Mostly I am referring to Mike. I am so hard on him and have yet to understand what he sees in me. I can almost see the hurt or frustration in his eyes when I ask him if he did something and the answer isn't what I want. Nine times out of ten what I am upset about is no big deal at all. I am going to work on not having any expectations. I think that will work out much better for me.

See I counseled myself this week and saved the $25.00 now what to do with it???

On the way to freedom

I had my first counseling session yesterday and I know without a doubt that I am on my way to freedom. My counselor in the first hour was able to say some things that made so much sense to me. She explained how I self destruct with food. We don't know the reason that I do that yet but I know that we will figure it out before the journey is over. One thing she told me is that I am afraid to say what I need to say because of the consequences. So instead I eat to stuff the words I want to say deep down inside. Boy just her saying that defined so many of the relationships that I have with people in my life. She hit the nail right on the head. I think even as a child I wanted so badly to tell the people that hurt me by thier alcoholisim or abandonment just how bad they hurt me or how mad I was or embarrassed I was by them but I was afraid to because the bottom line was they were my caretakers and if I made them mad who would take care of me?

It is truly amazing the way that our past can shape who we are but only we have the ability to change it and I firmly believe that change is possible.

I just had a moment to blog but wanted to get that partial thought out there :)

What is going on in thier little minds??

Today Conner asked me a question that has left me wondering what was he thinking about?? He asked me if you are a grandpa and your sons son dies are you still a grandpa? Heavy stuff for a 4th grader to be thinking about don't you agree? I wasn't sure how to answer. I told him I thought you would still be a grandpa, you might not have your grandchild anymore but would probably still feel like a grandfather. I know that if something happened to my children I might not technically be a mother still but I know that nothing could ever make me feel like I wasn't a mom anymore.

On to lighter things....I sure made my kids mad today. I have been counting down with them since last Friday telling them that this coming Friday was thier last day of school. Conner even came home last week and told me that the teacher said they had two more weeks. I convinced him that he misunderstood the teacher and that teachers had to go a little longer but that they for sure got out the Friday before Memorial Day. Today I realized...drum roll please....I was WRONG!!! They do go to school for 3 days next week. I sure didn't win any popularity contest with either boy when I let them know this.

Just had a quick moment to blog...would love to know the strangest question your child has ever asked you :)

Trying to find the calm in crazy

What a beautiful Monday the Lord has blessed us with today. I have my windows open and am cleaning house while Tyler takes a quick nap. He has to be tired as he learned to walk this weekend and was walking all over this morning. I think he might need a safety helmet before long.

I took Mikes mom to the airport this morning. I must say that God really spoke to me during church yesterday and I finally realized what pressure Mike must have on him being the only son and being so far away from his mother. I know that he feels an incredible pressure to take care of her. She told Mike this trip that they found a lump in her breast and she had it biopsied. She will find out the results on Wednesday. My grandmother just went thru this and it came back fine so I am praying that Mike's mom will recieve the same good news.

I have been binge eating more than normal the last couple days. I think it is because I go for my counseling session on Thursday and then before long will begin the outpaitent rehab program. I think I have a fear that they will take away my food which has been my coping mechanisim for so long. I am just praying that I can turn to the Lord during this time. Funny how I considered food my friend and it helped me thru so many stressful periods when in reality it was harming me. Why is it sometimes easier to turn to food then it is to turn to God? It should be simple and yet it isn't.

Yesterday was an incredible time at church watching the graduates and just listening to the youth paster. I found myself getting teary eyed and told Mike I was quite the sap these days. One thing I love about church is worship. I love how God allows me to sing out loud and praise him and for some reason I am able to beleive that my singing is good during church but after church it is a whole different story. I am thankful that he allows me to be uninhibited during praise. I love it.


I also had another wake up call yesterday. I had a childhood friend that was rather mean to me one time during a sleep away camp. I wet the bed and she nickmnamed me BW for bed wetter and it has stayed with me for a very long time. In fact I had a hard time sending my boys away to sleep away camp for fear of them having someone be ugly to them when I wasn't there to defend them. For all these years I have carried those silly two letters (BW) with me and allowed it to fester deep down inside me. I found out yesterday that this girl had passed away in 2001. It was the strangest feeling to me. For one I am incredibly saddened for her family to have lost her at such a young age. I can't imagine the pain and agony that they went thru and probably continue to go thru. Secondly I can't believe how I allowed that to continue to stay with me and this person isn't even alive any more. That was a really weird realization. God wants to take our hurt away from us if we will just pray for it and I think this taught me an important lesson. I have carried this with me since I was about 12 years old instead of just turning it over to him and letting him carry the burden for me. I also had to think about all the times I was mean to someone when in grade school or school in general-Girls can be so mean and I was no different although I hate to admit that. I hope that noone I was mean to is still carrying it around but the chances are it did affect at least one person in some way. Good lesson learned...

Anticipation

Where to start? Mikes mom is in town this weekend and we were hoping she would get to watch Conner play three baseball games while here. So far all of them have been rained out but we are hoping the rain stays away for tonight so she can watch him before she leaves tomorrow.

Conner came home with two medals friday. He got one for his grades and the 2nd one was for the best boy athlete in 4th grade. Let me just put the speculation to rest...no he did not get that from me..I know you are shocked but I am not an athlete. I will give credit to his daddy and the Lord for his natural talent in sports. Things come so easy to him in sports that it is sickening to me.

We are getting ready for Tylers 1st birthday party and that is so hard to believe. A year ago I was on bed rest at this time with high blood pressure and now a year later I am celebrating life with Tyler.

I have made a difficult decision. I am going to be participating in an Intensive Out Patient program for people with eating disorders. I went last Monday and they put you through a very thorough three hour session to determine if I had an eating disorder and if so what the best form of treatment would be. They decided that I did ( I had known this since highschool) and that the best treatment would be three hours a night three nights a week. I am going for my first counseling session on Thursday and then they will start integrating me into the outpatient program. I am very nervous as it is going to be hard for me to be away from my family for that long in the evenings. I know I will feel guilty that Mike will be taking care of them by himself after working all day. I hate that I am putting him in that situation but know how important it is for my long term health and am so grateful for his support. I pray that I can work on myself and not worry about the added pressure on him or I am likely to stop going. I already told them I had trouble w/ committment and that the 6-8 week timeline freaked me out. I am nervous that I will be the only bing eater there. We will have a meal together and I picture all the anorexic people there not wanting to eat thier food while I am wanting to lick thier plates clean. They have teamed me up with a trauma counselor that I am grateful for. They think that while they are making me deal with some issues without turning to food it might get a little stressful but they have promised to walk the journey with me. I am thankful that God led me to this point. I know that God will not forsake me and that he will bring me out on the otherside mentally and physically a stronger person. I know God never promised for it to be easy just to not leave us along the way. I am looking forward to Thursday with anticipation.