I'm back :)

I think I want to start blogging again. Who know if anyone will read this or even notice that I have started but really it is about me. I stopped righting this in 2009 and so much has changed since then. I have started a new job, gotten very involved in church, now have a 17, 14 and 4 year old, have a better relationship with my husband than ever before...yet so much is still the same... still chasing that dream of being thin. I feel the call on my heart that God is bringing me closer to living my dream. I know that one day I am going to go around and be a public speaker for those that have battled weight loss issues or have low self esteem. I feel the stirring in my heart which means he is getting ready to change me and take me on a journey. I have learned long ago that his journeys aren't always fun but they are always necessary to grow. Mike and I started Weight Watchers together last week. I have been faithful to the program and incorporated the Advocare product Spark which I LOVE! It helped me get off those diet cokes that I was so addicted to. In my first week I have lost 7 lbs. It has been so easy this time as we are doing it together. Having the support and feeling like I am part of a team at home has been a huge help. I am also trying hard to remember that God made my body and it is my temple so I need to take care of it. I can't wait for the day when I can play with my kids without being ashamed. I have let my weight keep me from participating in so many family activities and it stops now.

It is never to much

I love when God speaks to me and I actually listen...I have been feeling very anxious lately. My husband is not one who openly talks about his feelings. It drives me crazy when I know something is wrong with him and yet I ask him about it and he tells me he is fine. It is kind of like when I was a kid and knew that things were crazy in my house but I was told no everything is just fine. You know the whole secret thing. I always feel like w/ my husband that if I was a better wife or if I was more approachable or more this or more that then he would be able to open up to me. I see him holding all the pain of his father dying so close to the surface but he won't allow himself to just grieve and let it out. It drives me crazy not to be able to fix him.

I went to work today with this on my mind and went into the bathroom and just started crying. I spoke out loud and said Lord this is to much..I have just been feeling all of the pressure from being away from home so much and then dealing w/ everything in therapy and then coming into work and being the professional and everything is fine. It just gets to be to much. I think I get tired of juggling all the different balls and roles. When I spoke out loud I immediately heard God say Lisa it is not to much, it is never to much because I will never give you to much. That is a promise I gave you.

It is so reassuring to know that he is by my side every step of the way. I pray that he can give Mike peace and comfort and soothe him in a way that only he can. I pray that he continues to remind me along the way of this whole crazy Eating disorder that he is there and gives me the courage to keep doing what I need to be doing even when I feel like it is to much.

Masks

Thursday nights we do art the last hour that we are there. It is really not about the art but rather about the expressions. The first Thursday night they gave us journals to decorate. It was rather relaxing sitting there cutting out words in a magazine and pasting them onto the journal. I didn't feel guilty that I was sitting there doing something meaningless instead of doing laundry or dishes or something else.

This Thursday they told us we were going to decorate masks. It is a cut out of your face. You are supposed to decorate the outside w/ all of the emotions that you have a hard time expressing and the inside w/ all of the emotions that you are comfortable with.

I had no idea how to start this. I had wanted to do a mask ever since I had seen some that another lady there had done. I wanted to do this so badly but didn't have the courage to start. I am not sure if it was because I didn't know how to portray the images on the mask or if I was afraid to try for fear of someone laughing at my mask. All I know is that I sat there almost the entire hour with tears running silently down my face. One of my friends there tried to talk me thru it. Tried to get me to start. I think it just made it worse. It seemed ridiculous to me that at almost 36 I was having to be talked thru an art project like a 5 year old.

It has been bugging me all day today. I am not a quitter. The only person I ever quit on is myself. I called the center and asked if they would consider letting me take a mask home to work on when I was by myself. I went by this afternoon and picked it up. I am going to try to start on it this evening and see where it takes me.

This whole process has been much more than I bargained for. I went in thinking that I just needed to learn how to diet better. I now have openly admitted that I have an eating disorder. I have finally realized that this has never been about the food. It is about some deep wombs and some very ugly truths I have about myself that have been forming in me since an adolescent. It is about going back, grieving for that girl and moving on. I know that as hard as this is on me and my family it is going to be worth so much more once I am on the other side of this very difficult journey.

Tuesdays Suck

I have now come to HATE Tuesdays with a passion. I was talking to my therapist at Renfrew about this today and she asked why I hated Tuesdays more than any of the other days that I go there. I explained to her that on the other days I felt like we just touched the surface but on Tuesdays I had to feel. I hate feeling and would rather eat then feel. Something about being in that room on Tuesday nights talking about triggers and the emotions and behaviors that follow just really gets to me. Suddenly I am not the 35 year old professional but rather a 6 year old little girl. I love and hate talking about therapy. I love it because so many people have told me that they have learned from me when I share things that I have learned. Many of the things apply rather you have an eating disorder or not. I hate therapy because I hate going back and talking about and feeling the crap that happened. I never want anyone to think I am wanting symphathy because that is not it, rather I am trying to go back in time and prove that I can live thru it and come out unscathed.

Tuesdays make me realize that this whole thing is not about food. For the last 13 years I have continally chased being thin. I have either worked out several times a day every day, purged, taken laxatives or just done the complete opposite and did nothing but eat. I thought all along that being thin was the key and that food was the enemy. Tuesdays have taught me that Food and God are really the only two things that have gotten me thru very hard points in my life. I now know that this is so much deeper then food and that is what hurts. My heart is heavy for the little girl whos dad drank to much and did who knows what to hurt her. My heart hurts for the step dad that left in the middle of the afternoon without even saying goodbye. I hate that my mom was an alcoholic for several years. It is only thru my kids that I can see that this isn't fair and that I didn't deserve any of it. I see my kids in thier innocence and the stability that I have tried so hard to give them and I know that it isn't fair. Once again, I am not reaching out for symphathy just trying so hard to understand this whole thing and get rid of all the core beliefs that I have about myself. The verbal abuse and all the attention that was focused on looks while I was growing up is something that doesn't easily go away.

Someone told me the other day that I was a control freak! Really you think so? Of course I am and that is because for many formative years NOTHING was in my control. Of course I try like heck to control things now but what most people don't know is that it is exhausting to do this. Everyday I try to control things that are so far out of my control and then am constantly disappointed because I can never control things to the degree of perfection that I want to. It wears a person out. It is a family joke that I wanted the Leave it to Beaver life. Once again I don't think people realize how self-destructive it has been for me to chase after that non-existent family.

I am so grateful that my mother found the strength to chose life over alcohol. I dont' condem or judge or for what she did becase I have done the exact same thing except with food. I hate that my father has yet to find the courage to stop drinking while even on his death bed. I can't imagine that reality is worse then the hell that he chooses to live in.

Mike has been incredibly supportive throughout this journey and I am so grateful that he has held on thru this crazy ride of life. We have grown closer in the last three weeks as he has been much more help around the house and with the kids. Probably because I never allowed him to help before. He is proving to me that he can take care of us.

Just some random thoughts for the night.

God Bless

Eating disorders

Last night was the toughest night by far. I had many thoughts come to mind that helped make this whole thing make sense to me. While I don't think it is fair to post all of it in detail because of my family I want to say that I understand now that an eating disorder serves a purpose. Often it is a person crying out for help. I think in my part it serves many purposes-the main one being that if I fail at something or someone doesn't like me I can blame it on being fat and disgusting, or maybe if Mike were to ever leave me I could blame it on the fat. I think that I feel disgusting on the inside due to many past life events and that I have been trying to match the outside to it just to prove to people that they are right and that I was not adequate.

Out patient is so hard because you get the break through and then it is time to go home it is like the pain is so raw and you have to leave with it.

Tonight I couldn't finish my meal because I had a lump in my throat I couldn't get the food through-believe me that was a first for me.

Anyhow just wanted to post real quickly-off to work

Random weekend ramblings

We just got back from Atlant this evening. Over all we had a great time. The room at the Hyatt that I scored for $90.00 was probably the nicest room we have ever stayed in. It even beat the Omni in San Diego. Trey and I didn't get to watch any of the Braves game as Tyler decided he wasn't going to sit still so Trey and I literally walked around the ball park with him the entire time. It was some good time spent with Trey. I am going to miss him next week while he is at camp.

About my last post. Mike and I have talked alot about this over the weekend and perhaps people have always loved me unconditionally for the most part. I think that most of the stipulations that I feel are put on me by me. I often think that if I could just be a better wife, if I was prettier, thinner, or if I was a better mom, perhaps more fun etc then the people closest to me would love me more. I don't think that is the case. I think that they love me for who I am and I just have to learn to love me...

I did pretty good all weekend until we got home tonight. I got stressed out at Walmart because Tyler was in rare form and then Conner lost the Red Box movie he had gotten he finally found it in a shelf in the store but it was a long trip to the store at 9:30 at night. I grabbed a candy bar on the way out and then got into the boys candy when we got home. I realized what I was doing and just tried to sit and relax. I have noticed that Mike has been helping out more lately this week and that we are communicating better as well.

I am trying to trust my body when my mind doesn't tell me that I am full. It is very uncomfortable for me to not be stuffed. I am trying to learn that I won't starve and that I can always have something else if I have to but to try to trust that the feeling of emptiness will go away if I have eaten a well balanced meal. I have always felt like I needed to eat everything in case we ran out of food or something happened. I honestly start to panic when I get hungry-it is not a feeling I am comfortable with at all.

I am praying that my insurance will contine to let me stay in outpatient. I thought it was all taken care of but this weekend I got a letter that they only approved six visits. I am enrolled in the program for six weeks. I guess I will just pray that they will work it out.

Need to get to bed just wanted to post

One week down

So I have officially completed my first week of IOP program. I am so full of emotion and thoughts that I can't really get it all out but I have a few things I want to share. I went on Monday and left not being real sure if that was the place for me. I didn't struggle w/ eating and purging, I didn't struggle w/ not being able to eat. My issue was not being able to stop and because of that I physically look different than the other girls. Tuesday I told my counselor that the program was ridiculous and that I didn't belong there and what I needed was some counseling and a good diet. She begged me to leave my diet, restrict mentality at the door for two months and to continue to come and told me my body would find its natural weight. I told her that I thought she was telling me to accept myself as Fat and I would never do that. I went ahead and went that night and was able to open up a little bit to the ladies in the room. I left feeling pretty good. Wednesday we had a free night and so when I went back tonight I was a little reluctant. I met w/ my counselor again before program and told her I really didn't think it was the place for me. I figured the girls were looking at me and were disgusted because I am fat and that is what caused them to get thier eating disorders in the begining. She told me I didn't have a clue and dared me to go in the room and tell them that. I told her that I couldn't because they would kick my tail for not taking there disorder seriously. I told her I didnt' get how they thought they were fat because they are all gorgeous. I am not kidding there really isn't a plain looking woman in that room. I went ahead and went to the program and somehow w/in the first twenty minutes I blurted out that I didn't think I belonged because I was fat and that I represented everything that they didn't want to be. I told them I was sorry but that I spent the whole hours wanting to be them wanting to be thin like them. Those girls...they were so good to me and explained that the shame, guilt and anger that I experience when I go on a binge is the same exact feelings they get and that the issue isn't weight it is the feelings. Dealing with the feelings that is. They validated me, they made me feel safe and comfortable and the funny thing is I didn't want to leave. I wanted to stay, I wanted to stay where everyone understood what I was saying, where I could see a bit of myself in the eyes of every woman in that room. Where I was accepted and liked and dare I say loved just for being me. There were no strings attached. They don't even know me. They don't know if I am a good mother, a good employee, a good friend or a good wife. All they know is that I struggle in the same way that they do. They know that I am willing to go in and bare my soul and have blind faith that they won't abuse that or use it to harm me. They know that I am me-imperfections and all and they still want me to come back. They like me because I am me.