It is never to much

I love when God speaks to me and I actually listen...I have been feeling very anxious lately. My husband is not one who openly talks about his feelings. It drives me crazy when I know something is wrong with him and yet I ask him about it and he tells me he is fine. It is kind of like when I was a kid and knew that things were crazy in my house but I was told no everything is just fine. You know the whole secret thing. I always feel like w/ my husband that if I was a better wife or if I was more approachable or more this or more that then he would be able to open up to me. I see him holding all the pain of his father dying so close to the surface but he won't allow himself to just grieve and let it out. It drives me crazy not to be able to fix him.

I went to work today with this on my mind and went into the bathroom and just started crying. I spoke out loud and said Lord this is to much..I have just been feeling all of the pressure from being away from home so much and then dealing w/ everything in therapy and then coming into work and being the professional and everything is fine. It just gets to be to much. I think I get tired of juggling all the different balls and roles. When I spoke out loud I immediately heard God say Lisa it is not to much, it is never to much because I will never give you to much. That is a promise I gave you.

It is so reassuring to know that he is by my side every step of the way. I pray that he can give Mike peace and comfort and soothe him in a way that only he can. I pray that he continues to remind me along the way of this whole crazy Eating disorder that he is there and gives me the courage to keep doing what I need to be doing even when I feel like it is to much.

Masks

Thursday nights we do art the last hour that we are there. It is really not about the art but rather about the expressions. The first Thursday night they gave us journals to decorate. It was rather relaxing sitting there cutting out words in a magazine and pasting them onto the journal. I didn't feel guilty that I was sitting there doing something meaningless instead of doing laundry or dishes or something else.

This Thursday they told us we were going to decorate masks. It is a cut out of your face. You are supposed to decorate the outside w/ all of the emotions that you have a hard time expressing and the inside w/ all of the emotions that you are comfortable with.

I had no idea how to start this. I had wanted to do a mask ever since I had seen some that another lady there had done. I wanted to do this so badly but didn't have the courage to start. I am not sure if it was because I didn't know how to portray the images on the mask or if I was afraid to try for fear of someone laughing at my mask. All I know is that I sat there almost the entire hour with tears running silently down my face. One of my friends there tried to talk me thru it. Tried to get me to start. I think it just made it worse. It seemed ridiculous to me that at almost 36 I was having to be talked thru an art project like a 5 year old.

It has been bugging me all day today. I am not a quitter. The only person I ever quit on is myself. I called the center and asked if they would consider letting me take a mask home to work on when I was by myself. I went by this afternoon and picked it up. I am going to try to start on it this evening and see where it takes me.

This whole process has been much more than I bargained for. I went in thinking that I just needed to learn how to diet better. I now have openly admitted that I have an eating disorder. I have finally realized that this has never been about the food. It is about some deep wombs and some very ugly truths I have about myself that have been forming in me since an adolescent. It is about going back, grieving for that girl and moving on. I know that as hard as this is on me and my family it is going to be worth so much more once I am on the other side of this very difficult journey.

Tuesdays Suck

I have now come to HATE Tuesdays with a passion. I was talking to my therapist at Renfrew about this today and she asked why I hated Tuesdays more than any of the other days that I go there. I explained to her that on the other days I felt like we just touched the surface but on Tuesdays I had to feel. I hate feeling and would rather eat then feel. Something about being in that room on Tuesday nights talking about triggers and the emotions and behaviors that follow just really gets to me. Suddenly I am not the 35 year old professional but rather a 6 year old little girl. I love and hate talking about therapy. I love it because so many people have told me that they have learned from me when I share things that I have learned. Many of the things apply rather you have an eating disorder or not. I hate therapy because I hate going back and talking about and feeling the crap that happened. I never want anyone to think I am wanting symphathy because that is not it, rather I am trying to go back in time and prove that I can live thru it and come out unscathed.

Tuesdays make me realize that this whole thing is not about food. For the last 13 years I have continally chased being thin. I have either worked out several times a day every day, purged, taken laxatives or just done the complete opposite and did nothing but eat. I thought all along that being thin was the key and that food was the enemy. Tuesdays have taught me that Food and God are really the only two things that have gotten me thru very hard points in my life. I now know that this is so much deeper then food and that is what hurts. My heart is heavy for the little girl whos dad drank to much and did who knows what to hurt her. My heart hurts for the step dad that left in the middle of the afternoon without even saying goodbye. I hate that my mom was an alcoholic for several years. It is only thru my kids that I can see that this isn't fair and that I didn't deserve any of it. I see my kids in thier innocence and the stability that I have tried so hard to give them and I know that it isn't fair. Once again, I am not reaching out for symphathy just trying so hard to understand this whole thing and get rid of all the core beliefs that I have about myself. The verbal abuse and all the attention that was focused on looks while I was growing up is something that doesn't easily go away.

Someone told me the other day that I was a control freak! Really you think so? Of course I am and that is because for many formative years NOTHING was in my control. Of course I try like heck to control things now but what most people don't know is that it is exhausting to do this. Everyday I try to control things that are so far out of my control and then am constantly disappointed because I can never control things to the degree of perfection that I want to. It wears a person out. It is a family joke that I wanted the Leave it to Beaver life. Once again I don't think people realize how self-destructive it has been for me to chase after that non-existent family.

I am so grateful that my mother found the strength to chose life over alcohol. I dont' condem or judge or for what she did becase I have done the exact same thing except with food. I hate that my father has yet to find the courage to stop drinking while even on his death bed. I can't imagine that reality is worse then the hell that he chooses to live in.

Mike has been incredibly supportive throughout this journey and I am so grateful that he has held on thru this crazy ride of life. We have grown closer in the last three weeks as he has been much more help around the house and with the kids. Probably because I never allowed him to help before. He is proving to me that he can take care of us.

Just some random thoughts for the night.

God Bless

Eating disorders

Last night was the toughest night by far. I had many thoughts come to mind that helped make this whole thing make sense to me. While I don't think it is fair to post all of it in detail because of my family I want to say that I understand now that an eating disorder serves a purpose. Often it is a person crying out for help. I think in my part it serves many purposes-the main one being that if I fail at something or someone doesn't like me I can blame it on being fat and disgusting, or maybe if Mike were to ever leave me I could blame it on the fat. I think that I feel disgusting on the inside due to many past life events and that I have been trying to match the outside to it just to prove to people that they are right and that I was not adequate.

Out patient is so hard because you get the break through and then it is time to go home it is like the pain is so raw and you have to leave with it.

Tonight I couldn't finish my meal because I had a lump in my throat I couldn't get the food through-believe me that was a first for me.

Anyhow just wanted to post real quickly-off to work