Last night was the toughest night by far. I had many thoughts come to mind that helped make this whole thing make sense to me. While I don't think it is fair to post all of it in detail because of my family I want to say that I understand now that an eating disorder serves a purpose. Often it is a person crying out for help. I think in my part it serves many purposes-the main one being that if I fail at something or someone doesn't like me I can blame it on being fat and disgusting, or maybe if Mike were to ever leave me I could blame it on the fat. I think that I feel disgusting on the inside due to many past life events and that I have been trying to match the outside to it just to prove to people that they are right and that I was not adequate.
Out patient is so hard because you get the break through and then it is time to go home it is like the pain is so raw and you have to leave with it.
Tonight I couldn't finish my meal because I had a lump in my throat I couldn't get the food through-believe me that was a first for me.
Anyhow just wanted to post real quickly-off to work
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