Once my baby always my baby

I bet you thought this post would be about Tyler. Fooled you. I had to take a moment and share something that happened this weekend that melted my heart. Mike and Conner had plans to work at the concession stand on Saturday night from 5-9. Trey and I talked about running errands in Murfreesboro to get ready for Tylers birthday party this coming weekend. Mike and Conner left to go to the park and Trey came down and told me that his friend had called and asked him to spend the night. I said oh ok do I need to take you or they coming to pick you up. Trey answered that he had told his friend that he couldn't go because he was spending some quality time with his mother. I said did you really tell him that and Trey said sheepishly no..I just said I couldn't come over. I asked him why he didn't go and told him Tyler and I would just play for the evening. Trey said that he didn't want to go becuase he had been away from home the last two nights and wanted to spend time with me. We had a great time. We went out to eat and to some stores. Of course Trey scored a brand new pair of tennis shoes before the night was over. I loved when I pulled into the house and Trey said mom this was really fun. I told him that I never did anything in my life to deserve such a great kid and that I hoped he knew how much I loved him. I love when we are in the car together it is really our time to talk and catch up with each other. He is a great kid and I am super proud of him.

Prayer works

I almost forgot that I had to share this story with you. Friday we were waiting to see if Mike's truck was going to be back in time for our annual Memorial day camping trip to Barren River. It was getting down to the wire when they called and said it would be ready. I took Mike to get his truck and then went and picked Trey and Tyler up from school and daycare. When we got home Mike was working on hooking the camper up to the truck. I could see he was having some problems with the break lights on the camper working. He asked Trey to come out and see if he could help him. Trey came back about ten minutes later just shaking his head. I asked Trey if Mike was able to get the lights working and he said no. I asked if Mike was mad and Trey responded that was an understatement. I then asked Trey if Mike was cursing. Trey said oh yeah. Trey sat down and we just looked at each other like great weekend this is starting out to be. I asked Trey if he thought we should pray for the lights to start working. Trey said I don't know. I told him I would pray. I told him first I had to repent of my sins and then my prayer went something like this. "Dear God if it is your will I pray that you will allow Mike's lights to start working on the camper. If it is your will that they work I pray that you will allow Mike to get rid of the anger and just come in and ask if we are ready to go. I pray that he will be able to relax and forget how mad he has been and we can all have a great weekend. If it is not your will to fix the lights I pray that you will give Mike and the rest of us peace with not going camping and allow us another way to have fun this weekend." I had just barely opened my eyes when Mike came thru the door asking if I was ready to go. I said are the lights working and he said Yep they just started working. I wish everyone could have seen the look on Trey's face. I promise you that his jaw dropped and he just started laughing hysterically. Mike was confused by this sudden outburst of laughter so we had to explain what we had just prayed. I LOVE when God works like that. He loves to suprise us with his timing and I loved that Trey was around to witness that first hand.

Today at work a girl was very upset because she had lost a funding package. I asked her if she had prayed about it and she said not yet. I told her about the story of the brake lights and said why don't you pray about the package. It wasn't 5 minutes later when she came in w/ the package and said I just prayed about it and then without even asking anyone here if they had seen it a co-worker walked up to her out of the blue and said are you looking for this. That is what I mean. Nothing and I mean NOTHING is to small to ask God for help with. I can't tell you the countless amt of times I have dropped something and couldn't find it and asked God for the ability to find it and suddenly it is right there. Our God has a great sense of humor and it amazes me how much easier things would be if we could condition ourselves to seek him first.

I love that God of ours.

Stood up

So today I leave work a little early to go to my counseling appointment. I wait for about 20 minutes when finally someone comes out to see if I have been helped. I tell them no and that I had an appointment at 1:30 with ________ the receptionist then tells me that _____________had called in sick today and she was sorry that noone had called me. Good thing I wasn't nearing a nervous breakdown. That is kind of like calling the suicide hot line and being placed on hold. I guess I will take that $25.00 co-pay that I saved today and go buy something nice.

I got a call this weekend that my father was in the hospital and my grandfather thought his organs were shutting down. Boy did that throw me for a loop. All the anger kind of melted away at my father and I was able to see him for the poor pathetic weak person that he is. I hate that he doesnt' have the courage to face reality because I think that true reality could never be as harsh as his fear of it. I think he would be amazed at the relationship that he could have with my brother and I if he could just put away the bottle. I feel such sadness knowing that this man could possibly die without ever getting to know his grandchildren or knowing how great my brother and I turned out. My father is a good person that just made some bad choices in his life. I spoke to my father and let him know that I did love him but that I had to seperate from the alcohol and if he was able to pull out of this and ever get himself sober I would be there with open arms. I can forgive him for all of the past and that is such a freeing feeling.

I learned over this weekend that I allow people to disapoint me because I expect them to. Mostly I am referring to Mike. I am so hard on him and have yet to understand what he sees in me. I can almost see the hurt or frustration in his eyes when I ask him if he did something and the answer isn't what I want. Nine times out of ten what I am upset about is no big deal at all. I am going to work on not having any expectations. I think that will work out much better for me.

See I counseled myself this week and saved the $25.00 now what to do with it???

On the way to freedom

I had my first counseling session yesterday and I know without a doubt that I am on my way to freedom. My counselor in the first hour was able to say some things that made so much sense to me. She explained how I self destruct with food. We don't know the reason that I do that yet but I know that we will figure it out before the journey is over. One thing she told me is that I am afraid to say what I need to say because of the consequences. So instead I eat to stuff the words I want to say deep down inside. Boy just her saying that defined so many of the relationships that I have with people in my life. She hit the nail right on the head. I think even as a child I wanted so badly to tell the people that hurt me by thier alcoholisim or abandonment just how bad they hurt me or how mad I was or embarrassed I was by them but I was afraid to because the bottom line was they were my caretakers and if I made them mad who would take care of me?

It is truly amazing the way that our past can shape who we are but only we have the ability to change it and I firmly believe that change is possible.

I just had a moment to blog but wanted to get that partial thought out there :)

What is going on in thier little minds??

Today Conner asked me a question that has left me wondering what was he thinking about?? He asked me if you are a grandpa and your sons son dies are you still a grandpa? Heavy stuff for a 4th grader to be thinking about don't you agree? I wasn't sure how to answer. I told him I thought you would still be a grandpa, you might not have your grandchild anymore but would probably still feel like a grandfather. I know that if something happened to my children I might not technically be a mother still but I know that nothing could ever make me feel like I wasn't a mom anymore.

On to lighter things....I sure made my kids mad today. I have been counting down with them since last Friday telling them that this coming Friday was thier last day of school. Conner even came home last week and told me that the teacher said they had two more weeks. I convinced him that he misunderstood the teacher and that teachers had to go a little longer but that they for sure got out the Friday before Memorial Day. Today I realized...drum roll please....I was WRONG!!! They do go to school for 3 days next week. I sure didn't win any popularity contest with either boy when I let them know this.

Just had a quick moment to blog...would love to know the strangest question your child has ever asked you :)

Trying to find the calm in crazy

What a beautiful Monday the Lord has blessed us with today. I have my windows open and am cleaning house while Tyler takes a quick nap. He has to be tired as he learned to walk this weekend and was walking all over this morning. I think he might need a safety helmet before long.

I took Mikes mom to the airport this morning. I must say that God really spoke to me during church yesterday and I finally realized what pressure Mike must have on him being the only son and being so far away from his mother. I know that he feels an incredible pressure to take care of her. She told Mike this trip that they found a lump in her breast and she had it biopsied. She will find out the results on Wednesday. My grandmother just went thru this and it came back fine so I am praying that Mike's mom will recieve the same good news.

I have been binge eating more than normal the last couple days. I think it is because I go for my counseling session on Thursday and then before long will begin the outpaitent rehab program. I think I have a fear that they will take away my food which has been my coping mechanisim for so long. I am just praying that I can turn to the Lord during this time. Funny how I considered food my friend and it helped me thru so many stressful periods when in reality it was harming me. Why is it sometimes easier to turn to food then it is to turn to God? It should be simple and yet it isn't.

Yesterday was an incredible time at church watching the graduates and just listening to the youth paster. I found myself getting teary eyed and told Mike I was quite the sap these days. One thing I love about church is worship. I love how God allows me to sing out loud and praise him and for some reason I am able to beleive that my singing is good during church but after church it is a whole different story. I am thankful that he allows me to be uninhibited during praise. I love it.


I also had another wake up call yesterday. I had a childhood friend that was rather mean to me one time during a sleep away camp. I wet the bed and she nickmnamed me BW for bed wetter and it has stayed with me for a very long time. In fact I had a hard time sending my boys away to sleep away camp for fear of them having someone be ugly to them when I wasn't there to defend them. For all these years I have carried those silly two letters (BW) with me and allowed it to fester deep down inside me. I found out yesterday that this girl had passed away in 2001. It was the strangest feeling to me. For one I am incredibly saddened for her family to have lost her at such a young age. I can't imagine the pain and agony that they went thru and probably continue to go thru. Secondly I can't believe how I allowed that to continue to stay with me and this person isn't even alive any more. That was a really weird realization. God wants to take our hurt away from us if we will just pray for it and I think this taught me an important lesson. I have carried this with me since I was about 12 years old instead of just turning it over to him and letting him carry the burden for me. I also had to think about all the times I was mean to someone when in grade school or school in general-Girls can be so mean and I was no different although I hate to admit that. I hope that noone I was mean to is still carrying it around but the chances are it did affect at least one person in some way. Good lesson learned...

Anticipation

Where to start? Mikes mom is in town this weekend and we were hoping she would get to watch Conner play three baseball games while here. So far all of them have been rained out but we are hoping the rain stays away for tonight so she can watch him before she leaves tomorrow.

Conner came home with two medals friday. He got one for his grades and the 2nd one was for the best boy athlete in 4th grade. Let me just put the speculation to rest...no he did not get that from me..I know you are shocked but I am not an athlete. I will give credit to his daddy and the Lord for his natural talent in sports. Things come so easy to him in sports that it is sickening to me.

We are getting ready for Tylers 1st birthday party and that is so hard to believe. A year ago I was on bed rest at this time with high blood pressure and now a year later I am celebrating life with Tyler.

I have made a difficult decision. I am going to be participating in an Intensive Out Patient program for people with eating disorders. I went last Monday and they put you through a very thorough three hour session to determine if I had an eating disorder and if so what the best form of treatment would be. They decided that I did ( I had known this since highschool) and that the best treatment would be three hours a night three nights a week. I am going for my first counseling session on Thursday and then they will start integrating me into the outpatient program. I am very nervous as it is going to be hard for me to be away from my family for that long in the evenings. I know I will feel guilty that Mike will be taking care of them by himself after working all day. I hate that I am putting him in that situation but know how important it is for my long term health and am so grateful for his support. I pray that I can work on myself and not worry about the added pressure on him or I am likely to stop going. I already told them I had trouble w/ committment and that the 6-8 week timeline freaked me out. I am nervous that I will be the only bing eater there. We will have a meal together and I picture all the anorexic people there not wanting to eat thier food while I am wanting to lick thier plates clean. They have teamed me up with a trauma counselor that I am grateful for. They think that while they are making me deal with some issues without turning to food it might get a little stressful but they have promised to walk the journey with me. I am thankful that God led me to this point. I know that God will not forsake me and that he will bring me out on the otherside mentally and physically a stronger person. I know God never promised for it to be easy just to not leave us along the way. I am looking forward to Thursday with anticipation.

Mothers Day

What made Mothers day great for me? It wasn't the dozen roses that I found next to my bed when I woke up that morning. Although they are beautiful and I gratefully appreciate them it was all the other things that I got to do with my family and that they did with me. We went to church and then to watch Conner play ball. His team won pretty easily and are now undefeated having won the last 7 games. After that we all hung out at the house and then went back to the ball park to watch a friends son play. We came home and Mike installed a second peep whole for his short wife so that I could see without trying to jump off the bottom step and catch a glimpse on my way down. He also replaced the hinges on my cabinets and we bought new faucets for the bathroom that he installed. He is no handy man so the fact that he attempted and was sucessful in all these things shows me he loves me. Conner vacummed the stairs for me. I had to walk behind him and carry the sweeper so it defeated the purpose but it was important to him to do it so I let him. he then made an airplane out of a twenty dollar bill and threw it over the balcony to me.With a note saying he loved me. I of course gave it back to him. Trey helped around the house and it was nice. I loved watching them play outside with friends in the beautiful weather. I am so glad that God chose those three boys for me. I love them with all of my heart and love being thier mother :)

Manic Monday

Last week was love on your kids Monday and today has started off as Manic Monday. I had just come upstairs this morning to upload some pictures that we took on Mothers day and to talk about what a great day we had yesterday when the phone rang...it was Mike telling me that he had wrecked his truck and was in a ditch and needed me to come right away. I had told Trey that I would take him to school today so we could hang out for a few extra minutes but when I got the call from Mike I jumped in the car dropped Trey off at school and headed out. Mike had told me he was on one road and I couldn't find him anywhere. I called him back and he still didn't say what road he was on but that he was by the white church. I called my good friend JaNeil who always sees Mike on the way into work to find out how she came to work. Funny how she knew something about my husband that I didn't :) It was so surreal as I drove down the road and thought I saw Mikes truck but the front KU license tag was missing and he was parked behind a locked gate. I thought that must not be him and kept driving. Something told me it was him even thought I didn't understand it so I turned back around. Sure enough it was Mike. I was so confused until I got out of the car and saw the skid marks all the way across the road and that a good portion of the farmers fence had been flattened when Mike drove right thru it. I was so grateful that God had been watching over Mike. Mike is pretty torn up over his truck and the possibility of it not being fixed in time to go camping on Memorial day but I dont' care about any of that. I truly don't. When I saw the damage that was done to the farmers fence and the drop off on the other side of the road I remembered how fragile life is and that we only have today. We get so caught up in fancy items, vehicles, houses, clothes all that silly stuff and I know that without my husband here I wouldn't be happy with any of it. I am so glad that God was watching out for him today.

Now I am off to the grocery with Tyler but stay tuned for posts from Mothers day :)

Lisa

Love on your kids Mondays.

Not sure why but lately I have been feeling very sentimental. Maybe it is because Tyler will be celebrating his 1 year birthday in less than a month. Maybe it is because Trey will be an Eigth grader next year or perhaps because Conner will be in his last year of elementary school next year. I am not sure of the reason but as I sit here and type this Tyler is upstairs napping. I look at that little boy and I could just cry. He brings out so much emotion in me and I love him to pieces. I look at Trey and Conner and am so proud of the men that they are becoming. Conner has a true love for God in his heart that keeps me accountable when I don't want to get out of bed to go to church and for that I am thankful. Trey is so considerate of others and has a heart full of compassion. I will be blessed if Tyler turns out half as good as these two boys. I have a neighbor that is the middle of adopting. Her journey has yet to assign her a child but God knows who she is. I am praying for her to have a name and a face. I think I am as excited for her to bring home her baby as she is. Well, probably not..but maybe a close second or third. I think when you wait awhile to have another child you cherish it more. You know how fragile those moments are and you don't rush them like you do with your older children. I am praying for all the babies that don't have mammas. Every time Tyler raises his arms up for me to hold him it makes me think of the babies that don't know that if they raise thier hands up someone will come. Sure they have care takers but noone that is soley thiers. Noone that will be there for them for the rest of thier lives. It breaks my heart knowing that those kids will never know the smile that a mother can bring to thier face. That they will never have a mother to read them a bed time story. You get the point. I am not sure why God has put this on my heart and I have basically begged him to remove it from my heart. I will be honest. This is not a road I want to go down right now. I don't want to adopt. I don't want another baby right now. Financially we are doing better than ever before and our house is full. I can't stop the feeling though that there is a reason that I am feeling this way. Maybe I am meant to go on a mission trip and visit the kids? Only God knows the reason. I do ask that you pray for the orphans though and pray for my friend Kelly as she might know something a little more concrete with in the next two weeks.