F.E.A.R.-False Evidence Appearing Real

This has been my moto ever since Tyler was born and I have had to repeat it to myself over and over again many times today. Have you ever been going about your day and all of a sudden the Devil tried to ruin your day? That happened to me. Today I was talking to an employee of mine that I haven't gotten to know real well until recently. I hired her right before I went on maternity leave. During our conversation today she said something that made me realize she had been thru the death of one of her children. I asked her what happened since she hinted that she had a child pass away. She told me that her daughter was born with Congenital Nevus and complications from that killed her. I looked at her and said that is what my son Tyler was born with on his head. She told me that she knew that and when she had first seen him she wanted to tell me but couldn't. Apparently EVERYONE in my department knew this little tidbit but me. I have to admit my initial reaction was total panic. I felt like the wind had been let out of my sails. I wasn't sure what to do. I just wanted her out of my office because I was getting ready to break down. I felt horrible that I wanted to know all of the facts to see how similiar it was to Tyler, I felt guilty that I had a baby and she didn't have hers any more. I didn't ask her alot as she didn't open up very much about it but I do know that her daughter passed away when she was 19 months old and that her case had been ALOT worse than Tylers. The DR. had told her that her daughter wouldn't live past 25. I was shocked and amazed because everyone has told me what a rare condition this is and this girl said that as well. What are the chances that she would work where I do and have had a child born w/ the same rare condition?? The devil wanted to ruin my day and for awhile he did but then I have to keep telling myself that FEAR is nothing more then false evidence appearing real. I did have to take Tyler to the dr today for some chest congestion and when we were there the nurse asked if his spot was a birthmark. I just broke down. I ended up talking to the Dr some more and told her the Derm had told us it needed to come off right away and the plastic surgeon had said we could wait and that they thought we could wait until 6 months to have a biopsy done. She is having me go to another specialist just for a second opinion to make sure that I am very informed and have gathered as much evidence as I could to make an informed decision on what to do next. I know that God is the greatest physician of all times and I think it would be funny if he would just heal Tylers head and make his spot go away. I know he is in control and will take care of us.

Another one??

Mikes family is being surrounded by trials right now. We got a call yesterday that his uncle passed away. I think anytime you experience a death of anyone it brings back many emotions of feelings you felt when others before them passed away. I don't want to blog about my husbands personal life but I do want to ask for prayer from you prayer warriors out there. He is having a very difficult time accepting that it is ok to grieve and thinks that he should be over it. I have tried to explain that there is never really any getting over it, days just get easier. I know that we are on a journey for this season and that God will see us thru it but for the first time in my life I guess I feel like God is growing us in a way that is not going to happen overnight. It seems like when I have had problems before there was always a time limit on when I would have an answer or it would be solved but this time I don't know when the end will be in sight. It could be 3 months, a year there is no telling how long this season of grieve will last. As a wife I have had a very hard time stepping back and giving my husband who is very private his space. I tend to want to talk out my problems and have trouble understanding that not everyone does this. I also feel like we have gone thru everything together during the last 14 years but during his fathers death I had to step away during times when I really wanted to be right by his side but knew that he needed the space more. I have never felt as close to him and yet so far apart at the same time. I never know what is in his mind anymore only that he isn't always with me when he is physically present his mind tends to be else where.

Death brings out so many things and I have also had to deal with some feelings that I had stuffed deep inside from when my grandmother died and I had to walk that journey all by myself without my husband and children by my side. I didn't get to immediately hug my children after telling them that thier grandmother died because I was in another state and so Mike told them. This bothers me that these emotions are coming out as this is not about me and not the right time for me to be feeling these things yet I can't help how I feel.

i need to go I have company but please pray for Mike and his family

14 years

Yesterday was 14 years that my husband and I have been married. I am not sure I have time to type 14 things I love about him but let me try before I head off to work.

I love how strong he is for our family
I love how kind he is to me
I love that he attends church with our family
I love how he loves our kids
I love how involved he is in our kids activities
I love how patient he is with me at times when I may not deserve it
I love his generous attitute towards others
I love how he loves his Mom and Sister
I love how forgiving he is to me when I am being a butt
I love how hard he works to provide for our family
I love that he gives me my space when I need it
I love how tender his hugs have become lately
I love how he kisses me good night every night even if I went to bed first
I love my husband with all of my heart and am so glad that he is the one that God chose for me. God knew before I did and I am so glad that I met Mike. I can't imagine my life without him. I am so blessed.

Rambling

It is 11 oclock at night and we are somewhere in MO driving down interstate 70. You have to love the beauty of technology that is allowing me to blog while driving down the road. What a week this has been. I am so ready to be home in my own bed and not living out of a suitcase. It was extremely hard on Mike to leave his mother and head back to KS. She has no family living in KS anymore and it broke his heart to leave her. I have learned so much about myself this week. I have such a tendancy to run when things get tough. I told Mike that I can't imagine loosing him the way that his mother lost his father-we were all literally sitting there watching him take breathe after breathe wondering if it would be the last one and then finally it was-I can't get the picture of him dying out of my head and I can't imagine what Mike and his mother and sister must be feeling watching on of thier own blood literally pass away before there very eyes. Mike had asked me at one time if I should go get the boys and let them be in the room. I said no and I am so glad that I did as I can't get it out of my mind I don't know how they would deal with it. What a horrible thing to have to witness. I don't want to imagine having to go thru that with Mike or one of my parents. Then I think of my father that I have no relationship with but I don't want him to have to dye alone after all he gave me life-who will sit by his bedside and hold his hand in his dying days? I can't imagine watching my mom take her next breathe either. This weekend has brought up alot of feelings I had over loosing my grandmother and wondering about who will be the next loved one to die. I am ready to get back into a routine. Mike is really wanting to move back to Lyons and we actually looked at some houses. I am not sure what I would do for a living or what he would do. I don't know if I could live there with him having so much of a past there. Silly that we are grown ups and I still get insecure when I see a girl he dated. I like having him in our own little world where neither of us has a past like that-sick huh?? I would love to move back to be around grandparents and to be able to help them out and for the boys to be around Mikes mom but I just don't know how it all would work. It would have to be a God thing and I told Mike that God can work wonders and if that is in his plan it would all work out better then we thought. I have to laugh as my work gave me a rather large bonus last week that they had forgotten to give me when I was promoted to officer in January. That was a God thing as if they had given it to me in January it would all be gone but by giving it to me last week I was able to provide money for the hotel we stayed in all week, the rental car, we helped Mikes mom pay some bills and we bought cemetary plots for Mikes dad and went ahead and bought one for his mom as well. We would have been able to help them with out the bonus but it would have been a little harder on us financially. I think it is amazing that God provided that money right when we needed it.

What did you do over fall break?

I watched a man die. Mikes father passed away yesterday. Noone should ever have to go thru what Mike has gone thru the last 48 hours. I am sitting here in our hotel room dreading the moment Mike and the boys wake up adn reality hits them right between the eyes. My heart breaks for them and that I can't take away the pain. I was so mad at God but am now just begging for understanding although he keeps telling me it is not my place to understand. I just don't know why he took a way a father, husband and grandfather. I watched Mikes mom love her husband enough yesterday to let him go. I watched as she told him it was ok to go. I told Orville that this was the time for him to go home. That I loved him and would watch over Mike, Shelly and thier mom but he needed to just go home and have no more worries. Some people say death is peaceful. I hope that Mike and his sister and mother found it that way but honestly I didn't. Afterwards he looked peaceful but the moments leading up his final breathe were not as I would have liked them to be. He had issues with his lungs and that is probaby why. After he died my husband just sat there not shedding a tear but gripping his dads arm with both hands as his face and ears turned beat red. I had no idea what to do or how to help him. I asked him if he wanted time alone w/ his dad and he shook his head yes. I will never know what went on behind closed doors but I pray he was able to cry and release some of his emotions. I have never seen him like that before in my life. Last night Trey sat up in bed and said Grandpa I am right here right here Grandpa that scared me so bad I ran out of my bed and just about tackled Trey as I held him but he never woke up from his dream. I pray as this day starts that people can feel Gods arms holding them because they are going to need it now more than ever before.

Trip to KS

Mike came back last night but only because we decided to travel back to KS together as a family. We are going to leave tomorrow night and drive thru the night and will get there on Friday. We were going to go by plane but I was worried about Tylers ears and really we would have to rent a car anyhow and drive another 4 hours after getting there by plane so we decided to rent a car and drive there. Mike has been so worried about his dad and it has been contagious I have been so fearful for what might be. I do know that I have never seen Mike as broken as I saw him last night. I felt so good that he would be vulnerable in front of me and know that I would not judge him.

Well I need to go wash bottles....