Putting down the baggage

I recently recieved a message via Facebook from a friend of mine that I met in Kindergarten. We remained friends thru our highschool years and the beginning of college until we allowed the time and distance to seperate us. Apparently she has been following me on Facebook for awhile and has seen many of my posts regarding my faith and felt comfortable reaching out to me. She said," Last night after I read your post I got teary-eyed. I embrace my faith and am raising the girls to do the same; some of my greatest joyful moments are when I actually witness it has taken root in thier hearts. however, I want some day to be able to look in the mirror and not see the broken teenager that made so many ridiculous decisions and mistakes that I wish I could take back. I know God has forgiven me but then in my doubtful moments-I wonder how he could. I want to enjoy the grown woman I am now-how do I get past the regret and let go? For goodness sakes-I'm weeks away from being 41." She went on to say that she had been wanting to send me that message for so many months but always felt so weak in comtemplating it. She said that one would think that given she has been an adult much longer than a short-sighted, thoughtless teenager that she would not be in this emotional pit, yet somehow she struggles. I cried when I got her message. The first thing that comes to mind is that I believe all women have felt this way at one time or the other. The problem is as my friend mentiones they feel too weak to admit it to anyone so instead we all walk around with a perfect mask on our face as if everything is ok while inside we are broken. I wish people could just be honest about how they feel. We could be such a great support system for each other. Unfortunately society tells us how we should look and how we should act and more often than not we listen. I tried to convey to her that we are so much more than our mistakes. We all have a past and choices we wish we could do over but it is those things that help build your tesitmony. It's those choices that help us to relate to others going thr those things currently and be able to speak to them with the wisdom of someone that has been there. We need to learn to use the word of God as our mirror. By carrying around the guilt we are carrying a burden we were never meant to carry. Jesus came for us and gives us grace that not one of us deserves. He is the one constant thing in our life. His feelings for us do not waiver. Even when we are not spending time with him as we should he doesn't leave. He is always waiting for us to come back to him. He never leaves us. We leave him. He see's so much more than our mistakes and if he can do that we need to learn how to do that as well. An analogy I gave her was for her to look at her beautiful daughters. If one day they make some of the same mistakes that are causing her guilt today would it change the way she loved them or even the way she looked at them? If they made the mistake when they were 19 would she still see that mistake when they became 41 or would she look past that and see the beautiful daughters that they are? I feel confident that she wouldn't look at them and see their past, her love for them is to great to judge them for 21 years. We need to learn to love ourselves hat much that we can see who we are now and not who we were then. I truly believe that this freedome can only be found in the word of God. He has removed our sins as far from us as the east is from the west. (Psalm 101:12, NLT) "I, even I, am he who blots out your transgressions, for my own sake, and remembers your sins no more. (Isaiah 43:25, NIV) If we can repent from our sins and move on with the knowledge that God has forgiven us we will begin to live life differently. What freedom there is in letting go of the baggage. People will notice that we are different and they will start watching us and asking us what is making the different. This is when we can share our testimony and make disciples which is the whole point of our existence.

Starting over and doing it right this time.

I have just spent the better part of the evening going back and looking at this blog. I started it in 2007 while so much is different so much is still the same. On my last post I had gotten off caffeine and lost 7 pounds. Tonight as I write this I have probably gained 10 pounds since the last post. I had gotten back on my Diet Cokes and actually just gave up caffeine Again 6 days ago. But what about the things that are truly important? God is doing some pretty amazing things in my life right now and I am so thankful. No, he hasn't blessed me with a bigger house, a million dollars, paid off all my debt or anything along those lines BUT he has allowed me the opportunity to get involved in youth ministry at our church. My story of how I got from where I started to where I am is such a funny one to me. It is a story full of dragging feet, stomping and saying No I WON'T until eventually I said yes I will and am so thankful that I did. You see, I was brought up in a Christian home. My mom made sure to drag my butt to church twice on Sundays and every Wednesday. In fact, the church that I went to was so small that we had the youth services in my house. My bedroom was the nursery. My mom made sure that I had biblical doctrine at a very early age and I am so incredibly thankful for that. It would provide very helpful when later on my life got crazy! My parents abandoned me in a sense as they struggled with alcoholism but I knew that God was always there. He was there when my mom forgot to pick me up from the bus stop because she was to drunk. He was there when not one but two fathers abandoned me and left me wondering what was wrong with me. He was there when my mom get sent to inpatient rehab and I got sent to live with family friends. He has always been there. Fast forward several years. My mom is now sober and has been for about 20 years. My real father-we are still praying for him to overcome his addiction. I married a man who at the time wasn't a Christ follower, we packed up our bags and moved to TN (sounds like the Beverly Hillbillies doesn't it?) We have three amazing boys that delight my heart every day. Some days I look at them and bust into tears that God entrusted them to me. We moved to Smyrna after about 4 years in Nashville. Our next door neighbors Kelly and Tim Watson and Sharon Sanqueza invited us to church. We started going to a church called Smyrna First Baptist. We attended this church for many years-probably about 10. That was all we did though was attend. Volunteering was something people who didn't work outside of the home did (that was my thought at the time) I was so bitter about already having to be at work 8 hours a day away from my kids I wasn't about to volunteer the free time I did have at church. I joined a group called God's Girls and met an amazing duo by the name of Natalie Wilson and Sherri Owenby. These two ladies inspired me to want to be like them. The light of Christ literally seeps out of their pores. They are amazing. Unfortunately I wanted to be like them but didn't want to have to do the work to be like them. I didn't want to give up my time to study Gods word (Remember, I am a working mother so I am already struggling to find enough hours in the day to get everything done. There was no way I was going to sit down and read the bible- a book that I probably couldn't understand anyhow) I continued to go to church and was proud to let anyone and everyone know that my family went to Smyrna First Baptist. We were obviously good people and good parents because we went to church and were raising our kids in church. I wanted to make sure everyone knew that we were doing life right. But boy was I WRONG. Trey my oldest son started going to the Creek with a friend of his on Wednesday nights. He met a man named R.C. Ford. To be quite honest I got a little tired of hearing the name R.C. around my house. I almost started tuning out when I heard R.C. did this or R.C. said that. I wanted Trey to come to his father and I for everything. Little did I know how what an impact those two initials R.C. would have on our families life. R.C. truly invested in Trey. He would come and get him on the weekends and take him to do things. He made Trey feel welcome in his home and comfortable with him. Then he started teaching Trey. He started sharing the word of God with Trey and encouraging Trey to spend time in God's word and not just listen to it. Soon Trey was coming home and having conversations that were biblically above my head. I figured it was time to check out the Creek and this R.C fellow. We tried the Creek on a Sunday morning and all 5 of us fell in love with it. Conner felt more comfortable there, Trey loved it, Tyler was to young to have an opinion and Mike and I liked it because the kids did. After all, going to church was really just for the kids to learn about God-right? Oh, so many times on this adventure I have been so wrong. A co-worker of mine Suzanne Budke attended the Creek. She volunteered my name to a lady by the name of Heidi Binder who called me to see if I would be interested in serving. I couldn't believe that someone would volunteer my name. Don't these people know that I work full time and I DON'T have the time to volunteer? Lucky for me Trey was already volunteering in the age group that Heidi needed me to volunteer in. Yes that's right, my son was volunteering but not his parents. You see R.C. had taught him well and somewhere along the way Trey was getting more things right than Mike and I were. They weren't going to let me off the hook that easily. They just so happened to have a need in the nursery. I said I would be willing to do that (only because I have trouble saying no and I was on the hook here)Then they told me they wanted a 1 year commitment. Are these people crazy? They want me to go from doing nothing to committing for a whole year? I remember telling the volunteer coordinator that I wasn't so sure about a 1 year commitment. She kept asking me what I was afraid of and I explained that the lack of having time for everything was something I struggled with. Geez people, I said yes isn't that enough? But luckily for me it wasn't. I convinced my husband to serve with me. We started going to church and serving first hour and then going home. You see, as I mentioned before time is a strong hold for me. I would go and serve but I wasn't going to stay for second service that would take another hour and a half out of my Sunday. No thank you. I would serve and go home. Serve, check it off the list, make sure that people knew I was serving so they could tell me what a good Christian I was and then go home. This worked out well for a couple of months until that R.C guy I mentioned sent me a nice little email. I can't recall the entire contents of it but basically it said that Trey was serving first hour and while that was very important it was also very important for Trey to stay for service. R.C. went on to ask why Trey wasn't staying for service, did he have transportation issues or was there something that was keeping him from staying? I can remember it like it was yesterday. I went home madder than a hornet telling Mike, "great!! now we have to stay for BOTH services. Mike asked me why and I said R.C. called us out" You see it was all about appearances to me at that point. I wasn't about to let someone make me look bad or think that I wasn't doing enough. God knew this to and that is why he put R.C. in my life. We started going to second service and guess what? We started learning. Now, you might think that would have been enough for good ol' R.C but for some reason he wouldn't leave us alone. The next email I got was inviting me to small group at his house. Are you kidding me? I have to stay for both services at church and now you want me to give up my Sunday evening to come to a small group? No, thank you we have plans. This was my response all three times that R.C. asked me to come to his small group. Finally the 4th time I decided we would go check it out. I wasn't very hopeful and once again only went to appear as the good Christian lady. In fact, the first month or so that was all it was for me. Yes, I said a month or so because we continued to go Sunday after Sunday after Sunday. Once again I made sure that people knew that I volunteered in the nursery and I belonged to small group and that we did life together :) Surely if I am doing all of these things I am a good Christian right? I don't really know when it happened but somewhere along the way God pricked our hearts and we started thirsting for his word. Mike became saved which was an answer to about 10 years of prayer and I got a hunger in me that for the first time ever food couldn't fill. We have been involved for about 3 years now and I have never looked back. R.C.'s wife Callie leads the Senior High School girls. I watched her from afar and I wanted to do that. For the first time ever I wanted to give up my time. I was so afraid that I wouldn't be as good as her or that the girls wouldn't like me. I was afraid that I would try it and fail. I remember mentioning that I might like to lead a group and Callie looked right at me and said well now that you mention it we do have a need. I sat with her and her group for about 6 months and although I didn't feel led to lead that group of girls I learned so much from her in that time. Callie and R.C. prepared me with the tools that I would soon need. When I told R.C and Callie that I didn't feel led to split the Senior girls once again they said, well...we know where there is a need. It is funny how God always works that out. I now lead the most amazing group of high school girls that keep me on my toes. They are inquisitive and question the word which forces me to learn scripture to teach them and re-assure them that God's word is the only truth. They have so many questions and so many insecurities that I can relate to. I want to share God's word with them and help them to understand there worth doesn't come from a friend, a boy friend, a fancy car, the new pair of jeans or anything like that. There worth should come in resting in God's word, the one that created them. The one that will always be faithful to them when others leave. I read back thru the pages of this blog and am amazed at how much I have grown. I am thankful that God used R.C. to encourage me to do more than just check of the list.I can't wait to share my testimony with the world and know that God is taking me in that direction. I can't wait to start this blog back up and share the amazing things that God is doing in my life and the lives of others around me.

I'm back :)

I think I want to start blogging again. Who know if anyone will read this or even notice that I have started but really it is about me. I stopped righting this in 2009 and so much has changed since then. I have started a new job, gotten very involved in church, now have a 17, 14 and 4 year old, have a better relationship with my husband than ever before...yet so much is still the same... still chasing that dream of being thin. I feel the call on my heart that God is bringing me closer to living my dream. I know that one day I am going to go around and be a public speaker for those that have battled weight loss issues or have low self esteem. I feel the stirring in my heart which means he is getting ready to change me and take me on a journey. I have learned long ago that his journeys aren't always fun but they are always necessary to grow. Mike and I started Weight Watchers together last week. I have been faithful to the program and incorporated the Advocare product Spark which I LOVE! It helped me get off those diet cokes that I was so addicted to. In my first week I have lost 7 lbs. It has been so easy this time as we are doing it together. Having the support and feeling like I am part of a team at home has been a huge help. I am also trying hard to remember that God made my body and it is my temple so I need to take care of it. I can't wait for the day when I can play with my kids without being ashamed. I have let my weight keep me from participating in so many family activities and it stops now.