Random weekend ramblings

We just got back from Atlant this evening. Over all we had a great time. The room at the Hyatt that I scored for $90.00 was probably the nicest room we have ever stayed in. It even beat the Omni in San Diego. Trey and I didn't get to watch any of the Braves game as Tyler decided he wasn't going to sit still so Trey and I literally walked around the ball park with him the entire time. It was some good time spent with Trey. I am going to miss him next week while he is at camp.

About my last post. Mike and I have talked alot about this over the weekend and perhaps people have always loved me unconditionally for the most part. I think that most of the stipulations that I feel are put on me by me. I often think that if I could just be a better wife, if I was prettier, thinner, or if I was a better mom, perhaps more fun etc then the people closest to me would love me more. I don't think that is the case. I think that they love me for who I am and I just have to learn to love me...

I did pretty good all weekend until we got home tonight. I got stressed out at Walmart because Tyler was in rare form and then Conner lost the Red Box movie he had gotten he finally found it in a shelf in the store but it was a long trip to the store at 9:30 at night. I grabbed a candy bar on the way out and then got into the boys candy when we got home. I realized what I was doing and just tried to sit and relax. I have noticed that Mike has been helping out more lately this week and that we are communicating better as well.

I am trying to trust my body when my mind doesn't tell me that I am full. It is very uncomfortable for me to not be stuffed. I am trying to learn that I won't starve and that I can always have something else if I have to but to try to trust that the feeling of emptiness will go away if I have eaten a well balanced meal. I have always felt like I needed to eat everything in case we ran out of food or something happened. I honestly start to panic when I get hungry-it is not a feeling I am comfortable with at all.

I am praying that my insurance will contine to let me stay in outpatient. I thought it was all taken care of but this weekend I got a letter that they only approved six visits. I am enrolled in the program for six weeks. I guess I will just pray that they will work it out.

Need to get to bed just wanted to post

One week down

So I have officially completed my first week of IOP program. I am so full of emotion and thoughts that I can't really get it all out but I have a few things I want to share. I went on Monday and left not being real sure if that was the place for me. I didn't struggle w/ eating and purging, I didn't struggle w/ not being able to eat. My issue was not being able to stop and because of that I physically look different than the other girls. Tuesday I told my counselor that the program was ridiculous and that I didn't belong there and what I needed was some counseling and a good diet. She begged me to leave my diet, restrict mentality at the door for two months and to continue to come and told me my body would find its natural weight. I told her that I thought she was telling me to accept myself as Fat and I would never do that. I went ahead and went that night and was able to open up a little bit to the ladies in the room. I left feeling pretty good. Wednesday we had a free night and so when I went back tonight I was a little reluctant. I met w/ my counselor again before program and told her I really didn't think it was the place for me. I figured the girls were looking at me and were disgusted because I am fat and that is what caused them to get thier eating disorders in the begining. She told me I didn't have a clue and dared me to go in the room and tell them that. I told her that I couldn't because they would kick my tail for not taking there disorder seriously. I told her I didnt' get how they thought they were fat because they are all gorgeous. I am not kidding there really isn't a plain looking woman in that room. I went ahead and went to the program and somehow w/in the first twenty minutes I blurted out that I didn't think I belonged because I was fat and that I represented everything that they didn't want to be. I told them I was sorry but that I spent the whole hours wanting to be them wanting to be thin like them. Those girls...they were so good to me and explained that the shame, guilt and anger that I experience when I go on a binge is the same exact feelings they get and that the issue isn't weight it is the feelings. Dealing with the feelings that is. They validated me, they made me feel safe and comfortable and the funny thing is I didn't want to leave. I wanted to stay, I wanted to stay where everyone understood what I was saying, where I could see a bit of myself in the eyes of every woman in that room. Where I was accepted and liked and dare I say loved just for being me. There were no strings attached. They don't even know me. They don't know if I am a good mother, a good employee, a good friend or a good wife. All they know is that I struggle in the same way that they do. They know that I am willing to go in and bare my soul and have blind faith that they won't abuse that or use it to harm me. They know that I am me-imperfections and all and they still want me to come back. They like me because I am me.

Here we go..

So today is the day that I start my IOP program for people with body image/eating disorders. I got up this morning and wrote out a menu for Mike for the days that I will be gone this week (It is every Monday, Tuesday and Thursday) from 5-8 so I won't be home until close to 9 on those nights and leave my house at 6AM every morning. I am in for some long days :) I browned hamburger and prepared meals that he could just pop in the microwave. Once I had all that done I had some nervous energy and had some time to think about what I was getting ready to embark on. All weekend I had a little bit of sadness and kept feeling like it was my last weekend. I really couldn't figure out why I was getting so sentimential but then I realized it is my last weekend. My last weekend of my old self. I got to thinking about it this morning and started getting cold feet. I thought I could really just not show up because I could just deal w/ it on my own and things weren't really that bad. I was trying to reason in my head that it was ok to skip it tonight and just keep on living as I have been. I then remembered that the defination of insanity is doing the same thing over and over thinking you will get differnt results. I want to be different so badly and know that I must do this in order to make those changes. My Jesus Calling book today said alot of things but one thing it said that made me stop in my tracks was...You are on the brink of rebellion, precariously close to shaking your fist in my face. You are tempted to indulge in just a little complaining aboy my treatment of you. But once you step over that line, torrents of rage and self pity can sweep you away the best protection against the indulgence is thanksgiving. It is impossible to thank me and curse me at the same time.
Thanking me for trials will feel awkward and contrived at first. But if you persist, your thankful words, prayed in faith will eventually make a difference in your heat. Thankfullnes awakens you to my presence which over shadows all your problems.

So...I am thanking God right now for all of this. I am thanking him for bringing me to the point of knowing I need help and giving me the courage to go seek it no matter how selfish I feel doing it. I am going to reveal in Thankfulness and know that when I step thru those doors tonight, scared, weak and humbled that he will be right there by my side.

I am also going to try to post positives thru out this journey and one thing that I was so proud of was that Saturday I went to Conners baseball party. It was so hard as there were lots of very thin moms swimming in bikinis and normally I would have been intimidated and hated every moment of it but I was determined not to fall into that same pattern. I actually had a nice time which meant Mike and the kids had a good time :) And then Sunday we went to camp widjiwagon for family day. I actually had decided I was wearing my suit and getting in the water w/ the boys and going to play and have a good time. We all had alot of fun and I was so glad that I was able to put my self-consciousnes to the side and have fun. We made some great memories.

God Bless you all.

Fear not

Yesterday I was driving down the road thinking about Fathers Day and how quickly it was approaching. I am a little nervous as this is Mike's first Fathers day without his father. I am not sure how to help him thru it. I was getting teary thinking about it and I spoke out loud saying God it is so wrong that you took his father away from him. I was quickly reminded that God doesn't make mistakes. I had to find some solace in that fact. I have been thinking about how quickly that thought came to mind and how really it carries to every aspect of our life. When we spend time wishing things were different or being afraid we are missing out on seeing God right there beside us. He promises to never forsake us and that we have nothing to fear as he will never leave us. What a freeing thought that could be and how different our lives have the potential to be if we can just start living in the moment with God. I for one spend so much time worrying about things and knowing full well that God already knows the outsome and so my worrying does nothing but cause me physical stress. If I could just remember that he is in the moment with me and that there is no reason to fear. God doesn't make mistakes-what a freeing thought.

Happy Birthday Tyler

A year ago today I was sitting in the triage room at Baptist Hospital. I had gone to the hospital with the hopes of being induced. My Dr. and I had a plan. I found out a few hours later that I was going to deliver Tyler Jackson Sallee that day via C-Section. He was born at 10:40AM weighing 9.6lbs and was 20 inches long. I feel in love with him the moment that I saw him. There was something about him that made people gravitate towards him. Even the nurses commented on it several times. I had no idea how that little boy was going to change our family dynamics. I immediately saw a different side of my oldest son as he grew before my eyes and assumed the role of protector for Tyler. When Tyler was in the incubator for his Jaundice it broke Treys heart. I was so impressed with Trey's immediate compassion for Tyler. We only got to see him for 30 minutes every 3 hours to feed him. Trey got to feed him during one of those periods and I knew then what a great big brother he would be. Conner who had always been my baby was so nervous around Tyler for the first few weeks that he made Tyler nervous and Tyler would cry everytime Conner went to hold him. One day I realized that when Trey wasn't around Conner was quick to step into the big brother role to Tyler with all of the confidence in the world. I don't think Tyler has a clue how these two boys fell in love with him from the moment they saw him. To this date they marvel at everything Tyler can do and are so proud of his accomplishements. They are two of his biggest supporters. I loved seeing the tender side of Mike, the side that was in awe of God's miracle. For so long I had only seen the rough side of Mike that would wrestle w/ the boys and play tough. I had forgotten that Mike had a completely different nuturing side to him as well. I couldn't do it without Mike. I lean on him and look for his support now more than ever and he never fails to be there. He has yet to let me down. My boys are very lucky to have him as a father.

I can't wait to see what God has in store for this little guy. He is loved by so many and I think God is going to do great things with him. It is amazing to think that God formed him in my womb just as he wanted him and that God knows what he will be doing years from now.

Tyler Jackson Sallee....Mommy loves you and thanks God for you every day. You definately filled a spot in my heart that I didn't know was empty.