One week down

So I have officially completed my first week of IOP program. I am so full of emotion and thoughts that I can't really get it all out but I have a few things I want to share. I went on Monday and left not being real sure if that was the place for me. I didn't struggle w/ eating and purging, I didn't struggle w/ not being able to eat. My issue was not being able to stop and because of that I physically look different than the other girls. Tuesday I told my counselor that the program was ridiculous and that I didn't belong there and what I needed was some counseling and a good diet. She begged me to leave my diet, restrict mentality at the door for two months and to continue to come and told me my body would find its natural weight. I told her that I thought she was telling me to accept myself as Fat and I would never do that. I went ahead and went that night and was able to open up a little bit to the ladies in the room. I left feeling pretty good. Wednesday we had a free night and so when I went back tonight I was a little reluctant. I met w/ my counselor again before program and told her I really didn't think it was the place for me. I figured the girls were looking at me and were disgusted because I am fat and that is what caused them to get thier eating disorders in the begining. She told me I didn't have a clue and dared me to go in the room and tell them that. I told her that I couldn't because they would kick my tail for not taking there disorder seriously. I told her I didnt' get how they thought they were fat because they are all gorgeous. I am not kidding there really isn't a plain looking woman in that room. I went ahead and went to the program and somehow w/in the first twenty minutes I blurted out that I didn't think I belonged because I was fat and that I represented everything that they didn't want to be. I told them I was sorry but that I spent the whole hours wanting to be them wanting to be thin like them. Those girls...they were so good to me and explained that the shame, guilt and anger that I experience when I go on a binge is the same exact feelings they get and that the issue isn't weight it is the feelings. Dealing with the feelings that is. They validated me, they made me feel safe and comfortable and the funny thing is I didn't want to leave. I wanted to stay, I wanted to stay where everyone understood what I was saying, where I could see a bit of myself in the eyes of every woman in that room. Where I was accepted and liked and dare I say loved just for being me. There were no strings attached. They don't even know me. They don't know if I am a good mother, a good employee, a good friend or a good wife. All they know is that I struggle in the same way that they do. They know that I am willing to go in and bare my soul and have blind faith that they won't abuse that or use it to harm me. They know that I am me-imperfections and all and they still want me to come back. They like me because I am me.