Here we go..

So today is the day that I start my IOP program for people with body image/eating disorders. I got up this morning and wrote out a menu for Mike for the days that I will be gone this week (It is every Monday, Tuesday and Thursday) from 5-8 so I won't be home until close to 9 on those nights and leave my house at 6AM every morning. I am in for some long days :) I browned hamburger and prepared meals that he could just pop in the microwave. Once I had all that done I had some nervous energy and had some time to think about what I was getting ready to embark on. All weekend I had a little bit of sadness and kept feeling like it was my last weekend. I really couldn't figure out why I was getting so sentimential but then I realized it is my last weekend. My last weekend of my old self. I got to thinking about it this morning and started getting cold feet. I thought I could really just not show up because I could just deal w/ it on my own and things weren't really that bad. I was trying to reason in my head that it was ok to skip it tonight and just keep on living as I have been. I then remembered that the defination of insanity is doing the same thing over and over thinking you will get differnt results. I want to be different so badly and know that I must do this in order to make those changes. My Jesus Calling book today said alot of things but one thing it said that made me stop in my tracks was...You are on the brink of rebellion, precariously close to shaking your fist in my face. You are tempted to indulge in just a little complaining aboy my treatment of you. But once you step over that line, torrents of rage and self pity can sweep you away the best protection against the indulgence is thanksgiving. It is impossible to thank me and curse me at the same time.
Thanking me for trials will feel awkward and contrived at first. But if you persist, your thankful words, prayed in faith will eventually make a difference in your heat. Thankfullnes awakens you to my presence which over shadows all your problems.

So...I am thanking God right now for all of this. I am thanking him for bringing me to the point of knowing I need help and giving me the courage to go seek it no matter how selfish I feel doing it. I am going to reveal in Thankfulness and know that when I step thru those doors tonight, scared, weak and humbled that he will be right there by my side.

I am also going to try to post positives thru out this journey and one thing that I was so proud of was that Saturday I went to Conners baseball party. It was so hard as there were lots of very thin moms swimming in bikinis and normally I would have been intimidated and hated every moment of it but I was determined not to fall into that same pattern. I actually had a nice time which meant Mike and the kids had a good time :) And then Sunday we went to camp widjiwagon for family day. I actually had decided I was wearing my suit and getting in the water w/ the boys and going to play and have a good time. We all had alot of fun and I was so glad that I was able to put my self-consciousnes to the side and have fun. We made some great memories.

God Bless you all.