Stood up

So today I leave work a little early to go to my counseling appointment. I wait for about 20 minutes when finally someone comes out to see if I have been helped. I tell them no and that I had an appointment at 1:30 with ________ the receptionist then tells me that _____________had called in sick today and she was sorry that noone had called me. Good thing I wasn't nearing a nervous breakdown. That is kind of like calling the suicide hot line and being placed on hold. I guess I will take that $25.00 co-pay that I saved today and go buy something nice.

I got a call this weekend that my father was in the hospital and my grandfather thought his organs were shutting down. Boy did that throw me for a loop. All the anger kind of melted away at my father and I was able to see him for the poor pathetic weak person that he is. I hate that he doesnt' have the courage to face reality because I think that true reality could never be as harsh as his fear of it. I think he would be amazed at the relationship that he could have with my brother and I if he could just put away the bottle. I feel such sadness knowing that this man could possibly die without ever getting to know his grandchildren or knowing how great my brother and I turned out. My father is a good person that just made some bad choices in his life. I spoke to my father and let him know that I did love him but that I had to seperate from the alcohol and if he was able to pull out of this and ever get himself sober I would be there with open arms. I can forgive him for all of the past and that is such a freeing feeling.

I learned over this weekend that I allow people to disapoint me because I expect them to. Mostly I am referring to Mike. I am so hard on him and have yet to understand what he sees in me. I can almost see the hurt or frustration in his eyes when I ask him if he did something and the answer isn't what I want. Nine times out of ten what I am upset about is no big deal at all. I am going to work on not having any expectations. I think that will work out much better for me.

See I counseled myself this week and saved the $25.00 now what to do with it???