It is never to much

I love when God speaks to me and I actually listen...I have been feeling very anxious lately. My husband is not one who openly talks about his feelings. It drives me crazy when I know something is wrong with him and yet I ask him about it and he tells me he is fine. It is kind of like when I was a kid and knew that things were crazy in my house but I was told no everything is just fine. You know the whole secret thing. I always feel like w/ my husband that if I was a better wife or if I was more approachable or more this or more that then he would be able to open up to me. I see him holding all the pain of his father dying so close to the surface but he won't allow himself to just grieve and let it out. It drives me crazy not to be able to fix him.

I went to work today with this on my mind and went into the bathroom and just started crying. I spoke out loud and said Lord this is to much..I have just been feeling all of the pressure from being away from home so much and then dealing w/ everything in therapy and then coming into work and being the professional and everything is fine. It just gets to be to much. I think I get tired of juggling all the different balls and roles. When I spoke out loud I immediately heard God say Lisa it is not to much, it is never to much because I will never give you to much. That is a promise I gave you.

It is so reassuring to know that he is by my side every step of the way. I pray that he can give Mike peace and comfort and soothe him in a way that only he can. I pray that he continues to remind me along the way of this whole crazy Eating disorder that he is there and gives me the courage to keep doing what I need to be doing even when I feel like it is to much.

Masks

Thursday nights we do art the last hour that we are there. It is really not about the art but rather about the expressions. The first Thursday night they gave us journals to decorate. It was rather relaxing sitting there cutting out words in a magazine and pasting them onto the journal. I didn't feel guilty that I was sitting there doing something meaningless instead of doing laundry or dishes or something else.

This Thursday they told us we were going to decorate masks. It is a cut out of your face. You are supposed to decorate the outside w/ all of the emotions that you have a hard time expressing and the inside w/ all of the emotions that you are comfortable with.

I had no idea how to start this. I had wanted to do a mask ever since I had seen some that another lady there had done. I wanted to do this so badly but didn't have the courage to start. I am not sure if it was because I didn't know how to portray the images on the mask or if I was afraid to try for fear of someone laughing at my mask. All I know is that I sat there almost the entire hour with tears running silently down my face. One of my friends there tried to talk me thru it. Tried to get me to start. I think it just made it worse. It seemed ridiculous to me that at almost 36 I was having to be talked thru an art project like a 5 year old.

It has been bugging me all day today. I am not a quitter. The only person I ever quit on is myself. I called the center and asked if they would consider letting me take a mask home to work on when I was by myself. I went by this afternoon and picked it up. I am going to try to start on it this evening and see where it takes me.

This whole process has been much more than I bargained for. I went in thinking that I just needed to learn how to diet better. I now have openly admitted that I have an eating disorder. I have finally realized that this has never been about the food. It is about some deep wombs and some very ugly truths I have about myself that have been forming in me since an adolescent. It is about going back, grieving for that girl and moving on. I know that as hard as this is on me and my family it is going to be worth so much more once I am on the other side of this very difficult journey.

Tuesdays Suck

I have now come to HATE Tuesdays with a passion. I was talking to my therapist at Renfrew about this today and she asked why I hated Tuesdays more than any of the other days that I go there. I explained to her that on the other days I felt like we just touched the surface but on Tuesdays I had to feel. I hate feeling and would rather eat then feel. Something about being in that room on Tuesday nights talking about triggers and the emotions and behaviors that follow just really gets to me. Suddenly I am not the 35 year old professional but rather a 6 year old little girl. I love and hate talking about therapy. I love it because so many people have told me that they have learned from me when I share things that I have learned. Many of the things apply rather you have an eating disorder or not. I hate therapy because I hate going back and talking about and feeling the crap that happened. I never want anyone to think I am wanting symphathy because that is not it, rather I am trying to go back in time and prove that I can live thru it and come out unscathed.

Tuesdays make me realize that this whole thing is not about food. For the last 13 years I have continally chased being thin. I have either worked out several times a day every day, purged, taken laxatives or just done the complete opposite and did nothing but eat. I thought all along that being thin was the key and that food was the enemy. Tuesdays have taught me that Food and God are really the only two things that have gotten me thru very hard points in my life. I now know that this is so much deeper then food and that is what hurts. My heart is heavy for the little girl whos dad drank to much and did who knows what to hurt her. My heart hurts for the step dad that left in the middle of the afternoon without even saying goodbye. I hate that my mom was an alcoholic for several years. It is only thru my kids that I can see that this isn't fair and that I didn't deserve any of it. I see my kids in thier innocence and the stability that I have tried so hard to give them and I know that it isn't fair. Once again, I am not reaching out for symphathy just trying so hard to understand this whole thing and get rid of all the core beliefs that I have about myself. The verbal abuse and all the attention that was focused on looks while I was growing up is something that doesn't easily go away.

Someone told me the other day that I was a control freak! Really you think so? Of course I am and that is because for many formative years NOTHING was in my control. Of course I try like heck to control things now but what most people don't know is that it is exhausting to do this. Everyday I try to control things that are so far out of my control and then am constantly disappointed because I can never control things to the degree of perfection that I want to. It wears a person out. It is a family joke that I wanted the Leave it to Beaver life. Once again I don't think people realize how self-destructive it has been for me to chase after that non-existent family.

I am so grateful that my mother found the strength to chose life over alcohol. I dont' condem or judge or for what she did becase I have done the exact same thing except with food. I hate that my father has yet to find the courage to stop drinking while even on his death bed. I can't imagine that reality is worse then the hell that he chooses to live in.

Mike has been incredibly supportive throughout this journey and I am so grateful that he has held on thru this crazy ride of life. We have grown closer in the last three weeks as he has been much more help around the house and with the kids. Probably because I never allowed him to help before. He is proving to me that he can take care of us.

Just some random thoughts for the night.

God Bless

Eating disorders

Last night was the toughest night by far. I had many thoughts come to mind that helped make this whole thing make sense to me. While I don't think it is fair to post all of it in detail because of my family I want to say that I understand now that an eating disorder serves a purpose. Often it is a person crying out for help. I think in my part it serves many purposes-the main one being that if I fail at something or someone doesn't like me I can blame it on being fat and disgusting, or maybe if Mike were to ever leave me I could blame it on the fat. I think that I feel disgusting on the inside due to many past life events and that I have been trying to match the outside to it just to prove to people that they are right and that I was not adequate.

Out patient is so hard because you get the break through and then it is time to go home it is like the pain is so raw and you have to leave with it.

Tonight I couldn't finish my meal because I had a lump in my throat I couldn't get the food through-believe me that was a first for me.

Anyhow just wanted to post real quickly-off to work

Random weekend ramblings

We just got back from Atlant this evening. Over all we had a great time. The room at the Hyatt that I scored for $90.00 was probably the nicest room we have ever stayed in. It even beat the Omni in San Diego. Trey and I didn't get to watch any of the Braves game as Tyler decided he wasn't going to sit still so Trey and I literally walked around the ball park with him the entire time. It was some good time spent with Trey. I am going to miss him next week while he is at camp.

About my last post. Mike and I have talked alot about this over the weekend and perhaps people have always loved me unconditionally for the most part. I think that most of the stipulations that I feel are put on me by me. I often think that if I could just be a better wife, if I was prettier, thinner, or if I was a better mom, perhaps more fun etc then the people closest to me would love me more. I don't think that is the case. I think that they love me for who I am and I just have to learn to love me...

I did pretty good all weekend until we got home tonight. I got stressed out at Walmart because Tyler was in rare form and then Conner lost the Red Box movie he had gotten he finally found it in a shelf in the store but it was a long trip to the store at 9:30 at night. I grabbed a candy bar on the way out and then got into the boys candy when we got home. I realized what I was doing and just tried to sit and relax. I have noticed that Mike has been helping out more lately this week and that we are communicating better as well.

I am trying to trust my body when my mind doesn't tell me that I am full. It is very uncomfortable for me to not be stuffed. I am trying to learn that I won't starve and that I can always have something else if I have to but to try to trust that the feeling of emptiness will go away if I have eaten a well balanced meal. I have always felt like I needed to eat everything in case we ran out of food or something happened. I honestly start to panic when I get hungry-it is not a feeling I am comfortable with at all.

I am praying that my insurance will contine to let me stay in outpatient. I thought it was all taken care of but this weekend I got a letter that they only approved six visits. I am enrolled in the program for six weeks. I guess I will just pray that they will work it out.

Need to get to bed just wanted to post

One week down

So I have officially completed my first week of IOP program. I am so full of emotion and thoughts that I can't really get it all out but I have a few things I want to share. I went on Monday and left not being real sure if that was the place for me. I didn't struggle w/ eating and purging, I didn't struggle w/ not being able to eat. My issue was not being able to stop and because of that I physically look different than the other girls. Tuesday I told my counselor that the program was ridiculous and that I didn't belong there and what I needed was some counseling and a good diet. She begged me to leave my diet, restrict mentality at the door for two months and to continue to come and told me my body would find its natural weight. I told her that I thought she was telling me to accept myself as Fat and I would never do that. I went ahead and went that night and was able to open up a little bit to the ladies in the room. I left feeling pretty good. Wednesday we had a free night and so when I went back tonight I was a little reluctant. I met w/ my counselor again before program and told her I really didn't think it was the place for me. I figured the girls were looking at me and were disgusted because I am fat and that is what caused them to get thier eating disorders in the begining. She told me I didn't have a clue and dared me to go in the room and tell them that. I told her that I couldn't because they would kick my tail for not taking there disorder seriously. I told her I didnt' get how they thought they were fat because they are all gorgeous. I am not kidding there really isn't a plain looking woman in that room. I went ahead and went to the program and somehow w/in the first twenty minutes I blurted out that I didn't think I belonged because I was fat and that I represented everything that they didn't want to be. I told them I was sorry but that I spent the whole hours wanting to be them wanting to be thin like them. Those girls...they were so good to me and explained that the shame, guilt and anger that I experience when I go on a binge is the same exact feelings they get and that the issue isn't weight it is the feelings. Dealing with the feelings that is. They validated me, they made me feel safe and comfortable and the funny thing is I didn't want to leave. I wanted to stay, I wanted to stay where everyone understood what I was saying, where I could see a bit of myself in the eyes of every woman in that room. Where I was accepted and liked and dare I say loved just for being me. There were no strings attached. They don't even know me. They don't know if I am a good mother, a good employee, a good friend or a good wife. All they know is that I struggle in the same way that they do. They know that I am willing to go in and bare my soul and have blind faith that they won't abuse that or use it to harm me. They know that I am me-imperfections and all and they still want me to come back. They like me because I am me.

Here we go..

So today is the day that I start my IOP program for people with body image/eating disorders. I got up this morning and wrote out a menu for Mike for the days that I will be gone this week (It is every Monday, Tuesday and Thursday) from 5-8 so I won't be home until close to 9 on those nights and leave my house at 6AM every morning. I am in for some long days :) I browned hamburger and prepared meals that he could just pop in the microwave. Once I had all that done I had some nervous energy and had some time to think about what I was getting ready to embark on. All weekend I had a little bit of sadness and kept feeling like it was my last weekend. I really couldn't figure out why I was getting so sentimential but then I realized it is my last weekend. My last weekend of my old self. I got to thinking about it this morning and started getting cold feet. I thought I could really just not show up because I could just deal w/ it on my own and things weren't really that bad. I was trying to reason in my head that it was ok to skip it tonight and just keep on living as I have been. I then remembered that the defination of insanity is doing the same thing over and over thinking you will get differnt results. I want to be different so badly and know that I must do this in order to make those changes. My Jesus Calling book today said alot of things but one thing it said that made me stop in my tracks was...You are on the brink of rebellion, precariously close to shaking your fist in my face. You are tempted to indulge in just a little complaining aboy my treatment of you. But once you step over that line, torrents of rage and self pity can sweep you away the best protection against the indulgence is thanksgiving. It is impossible to thank me and curse me at the same time.
Thanking me for trials will feel awkward and contrived at first. But if you persist, your thankful words, prayed in faith will eventually make a difference in your heat. Thankfullnes awakens you to my presence which over shadows all your problems.

So...I am thanking God right now for all of this. I am thanking him for bringing me to the point of knowing I need help and giving me the courage to go seek it no matter how selfish I feel doing it. I am going to reveal in Thankfulness and know that when I step thru those doors tonight, scared, weak and humbled that he will be right there by my side.

I am also going to try to post positives thru out this journey and one thing that I was so proud of was that Saturday I went to Conners baseball party. It was so hard as there were lots of very thin moms swimming in bikinis and normally I would have been intimidated and hated every moment of it but I was determined not to fall into that same pattern. I actually had a nice time which meant Mike and the kids had a good time :) And then Sunday we went to camp widjiwagon for family day. I actually had decided I was wearing my suit and getting in the water w/ the boys and going to play and have a good time. We all had alot of fun and I was so glad that I was able to put my self-consciousnes to the side and have fun. We made some great memories.

God Bless you all.

Fear not

Yesterday I was driving down the road thinking about Fathers Day and how quickly it was approaching. I am a little nervous as this is Mike's first Fathers day without his father. I am not sure how to help him thru it. I was getting teary thinking about it and I spoke out loud saying God it is so wrong that you took his father away from him. I was quickly reminded that God doesn't make mistakes. I had to find some solace in that fact. I have been thinking about how quickly that thought came to mind and how really it carries to every aspect of our life. When we spend time wishing things were different or being afraid we are missing out on seeing God right there beside us. He promises to never forsake us and that we have nothing to fear as he will never leave us. What a freeing thought that could be and how different our lives have the potential to be if we can just start living in the moment with God. I for one spend so much time worrying about things and knowing full well that God already knows the outsome and so my worrying does nothing but cause me physical stress. If I could just remember that he is in the moment with me and that there is no reason to fear. God doesn't make mistakes-what a freeing thought.

Happy Birthday Tyler

A year ago today I was sitting in the triage room at Baptist Hospital. I had gone to the hospital with the hopes of being induced. My Dr. and I had a plan. I found out a few hours later that I was going to deliver Tyler Jackson Sallee that day via C-Section. He was born at 10:40AM weighing 9.6lbs and was 20 inches long. I feel in love with him the moment that I saw him. There was something about him that made people gravitate towards him. Even the nurses commented on it several times. I had no idea how that little boy was going to change our family dynamics. I immediately saw a different side of my oldest son as he grew before my eyes and assumed the role of protector for Tyler. When Tyler was in the incubator for his Jaundice it broke Treys heart. I was so impressed with Trey's immediate compassion for Tyler. We only got to see him for 30 minutes every 3 hours to feed him. Trey got to feed him during one of those periods and I knew then what a great big brother he would be. Conner who had always been my baby was so nervous around Tyler for the first few weeks that he made Tyler nervous and Tyler would cry everytime Conner went to hold him. One day I realized that when Trey wasn't around Conner was quick to step into the big brother role to Tyler with all of the confidence in the world. I don't think Tyler has a clue how these two boys fell in love with him from the moment they saw him. To this date they marvel at everything Tyler can do and are so proud of his accomplishements. They are two of his biggest supporters. I loved seeing the tender side of Mike, the side that was in awe of God's miracle. For so long I had only seen the rough side of Mike that would wrestle w/ the boys and play tough. I had forgotten that Mike had a completely different nuturing side to him as well. I couldn't do it without Mike. I lean on him and look for his support now more than ever and he never fails to be there. He has yet to let me down. My boys are very lucky to have him as a father.

I can't wait to see what God has in store for this little guy. He is loved by so many and I think God is going to do great things with him. It is amazing to think that God formed him in my womb just as he wanted him and that God knows what he will be doing years from now.

Tyler Jackson Sallee....Mommy loves you and thanks God for you every day. You definately filled a spot in my heart that I didn't know was empty.

Once my baby always my baby

I bet you thought this post would be about Tyler. Fooled you. I had to take a moment and share something that happened this weekend that melted my heart. Mike and Conner had plans to work at the concession stand on Saturday night from 5-9. Trey and I talked about running errands in Murfreesboro to get ready for Tylers birthday party this coming weekend. Mike and Conner left to go to the park and Trey came down and told me that his friend had called and asked him to spend the night. I said oh ok do I need to take you or they coming to pick you up. Trey answered that he had told his friend that he couldn't go because he was spending some quality time with his mother. I said did you really tell him that and Trey said sheepishly no..I just said I couldn't come over. I asked him why he didn't go and told him Tyler and I would just play for the evening. Trey said that he didn't want to go becuase he had been away from home the last two nights and wanted to spend time with me. We had a great time. We went out to eat and to some stores. Of course Trey scored a brand new pair of tennis shoes before the night was over. I loved when I pulled into the house and Trey said mom this was really fun. I told him that I never did anything in my life to deserve such a great kid and that I hoped he knew how much I loved him. I love when we are in the car together it is really our time to talk and catch up with each other. He is a great kid and I am super proud of him.

Prayer works

I almost forgot that I had to share this story with you. Friday we were waiting to see if Mike's truck was going to be back in time for our annual Memorial day camping trip to Barren River. It was getting down to the wire when they called and said it would be ready. I took Mike to get his truck and then went and picked Trey and Tyler up from school and daycare. When we got home Mike was working on hooking the camper up to the truck. I could see he was having some problems with the break lights on the camper working. He asked Trey to come out and see if he could help him. Trey came back about ten minutes later just shaking his head. I asked Trey if Mike was able to get the lights working and he said no. I asked if Mike was mad and Trey responded that was an understatement. I then asked Trey if Mike was cursing. Trey said oh yeah. Trey sat down and we just looked at each other like great weekend this is starting out to be. I asked Trey if he thought we should pray for the lights to start working. Trey said I don't know. I told him I would pray. I told him first I had to repent of my sins and then my prayer went something like this. "Dear God if it is your will I pray that you will allow Mike's lights to start working on the camper. If it is your will that they work I pray that you will allow Mike to get rid of the anger and just come in and ask if we are ready to go. I pray that he will be able to relax and forget how mad he has been and we can all have a great weekend. If it is not your will to fix the lights I pray that you will give Mike and the rest of us peace with not going camping and allow us another way to have fun this weekend." I had just barely opened my eyes when Mike came thru the door asking if I was ready to go. I said are the lights working and he said Yep they just started working. I wish everyone could have seen the look on Trey's face. I promise you that his jaw dropped and he just started laughing hysterically. Mike was confused by this sudden outburst of laughter so we had to explain what we had just prayed. I LOVE when God works like that. He loves to suprise us with his timing and I loved that Trey was around to witness that first hand.

Today at work a girl was very upset because she had lost a funding package. I asked her if she had prayed about it and she said not yet. I told her about the story of the brake lights and said why don't you pray about the package. It wasn't 5 minutes later when she came in w/ the package and said I just prayed about it and then without even asking anyone here if they had seen it a co-worker walked up to her out of the blue and said are you looking for this. That is what I mean. Nothing and I mean NOTHING is to small to ask God for help with. I can't tell you the countless amt of times I have dropped something and couldn't find it and asked God for the ability to find it and suddenly it is right there. Our God has a great sense of humor and it amazes me how much easier things would be if we could condition ourselves to seek him first.

I love that God of ours.

Stood up

So today I leave work a little early to go to my counseling appointment. I wait for about 20 minutes when finally someone comes out to see if I have been helped. I tell them no and that I had an appointment at 1:30 with ________ the receptionist then tells me that _____________had called in sick today and she was sorry that noone had called me. Good thing I wasn't nearing a nervous breakdown. That is kind of like calling the suicide hot line and being placed on hold. I guess I will take that $25.00 co-pay that I saved today and go buy something nice.

I got a call this weekend that my father was in the hospital and my grandfather thought his organs were shutting down. Boy did that throw me for a loop. All the anger kind of melted away at my father and I was able to see him for the poor pathetic weak person that he is. I hate that he doesnt' have the courage to face reality because I think that true reality could never be as harsh as his fear of it. I think he would be amazed at the relationship that he could have with my brother and I if he could just put away the bottle. I feel such sadness knowing that this man could possibly die without ever getting to know his grandchildren or knowing how great my brother and I turned out. My father is a good person that just made some bad choices in his life. I spoke to my father and let him know that I did love him but that I had to seperate from the alcohol and if he was able to pull out of this and ever get himself sober I would be there with open arms. I can forgive him for all of the past and that is such a freeing feeling.

I learned over this weekend that I allow people to disapoint me because I expect them to. Mostly I am referring to Mike. I am so hard on him and have yet to understand what he sees in me. I can almost see the hurt or frustration in his eyes when I ask him if he did something and the answer isn't what I want. Nine times out of ten what I am upset about is no big deal at all. I am going to work on not having any expectations. I think that will work out much better for me.

See I counseled myself this week and saved the $25.00 now what to do with it???

On the way to freedom

I had my first counseling session yesterday and I know without a doubt that I am on my way to freedom. My counselor in the first hour was able to say some things that made so much sense to me. She explained how I self destruct with food. We don't know the reason that I do that yet but I know that we will figure it out before the journey is over. One thing she told me is that I am afraid to say what I need to say because of the consequences. So instead I eat to stuff the words I want to say deep down inside. Boy just her saying that defined so many of the relationships that I have with people in my life. She hit the nail right on the head. I think even as a child I wanted so badly to tell the people that hurt me by thier alcoholisim or abandonment just how bad they hurt me or how mad I was or embarrassed I was by them but I was afraid to because the bottom line was they were my caretakers and if I made them mad who would take care of me?

It is truly amazing the way that our past can shape who we are but only we have the ability to change it and I firmly believe that change is possible.

I just had a moment to blog but wanted to get that partial thought out there :)

What is going on in thier little minds??

Today Conner asked me a question that has left me wondering what was he thinking about?? He asked me if you are a grandpa and your sons son dies are you still a grandpa? Heavy stuff for a 4th grader to be thinking about don't you agree? I wasn't sure how to answer. I told him I thought you would still be a grandpa, you might not have your grandchild anymore but would probably still feel like a grandfather. I know that if something happened to my children I might not technically be a mother still but I know that nothing could ever make me feel like I wasn't a mom anymore.

On to lighter things....I sure made my kids mad today. I have been counting down with them since last Friday telling them that this coming Friday was thier last day of school. Conner even came home last week and told me that the teacher said they had two more weeks. I convinced him that he misunderstood the teacher and that teachers had to go a little longer but that they for sure got out the Friday before Memorial Day. Today I realized...drum roll please....I was WRONG!!! They do go to school for 3 days next week. I sure didn't win any popularity contest with either boy when I let them know this.

Just had a quick moment to blog...would love to know the strangest question your child has ever asked you :)

Trying to find the calm in crazy

What a beautiful Monday the Lord has blessed us with today. I have my windows open and am cleaning house while Tyler takes a quick nap. He has to be tired as he learned to walk this weekend and was walking all over this morning. I think he might need a safety helmet before long.

I took Mikes mom to the airport this morning. I must say that God really spoke to me during church yesterday and I finally realized what pressure Mike must have on him being the only son and being so far away from his mother. I know that he feels an incredible pressure to take care of her. She told Mike this trip that they found a lump in her breast and she had it biopsied. She will find out the results on Wednesday. My grandmother just went thru this and it came back fine so I am praying that Mike's mom will recieve the same good news.

I have been binge eating more than normal the last couple days. I think it is because I go for my counseling session on Thursday and then before long will begin the outpaitent rehab program. I think I have a fear that they will take away my food which has been my coping mechanisim for so long. I am just praying that I can turn to the Lord during this time. Funny how I considered food my friend and it helped me thru so many stressful periods when in reality it was harming me. Why is it sometimes easier to turn to food then it is to turn to God? It should be simple and yet it isn't.

Yesterday was an incredible time at church watching the graduates and just listening to the youth paster. I found myself getting teary eyed and told Mike I was quite the sap these days. One thing I love about church is worship. I love how God allows me to sing out loud and praise him and for some reason I am able to beleive that my singing is good during church but after church it is a whole different story. I am thankful that he allows me to be uninhibited during praise. I love it.


I also had another wake up call yesterday. I had a childhood friend that was rather mean to me one time during a sleep away camp. I wet the bed and she nickmnamed me BW for bed wetter and it has stayed with me for a very long time. In fact I had a hard time sending my boys away to sleep away camp for fear of them having someone be ugly to them when I wasn't there to defend them. For all these years I have carried those silly two letters (BW) with me and allowed it to fester deep down inside me. I found out yesterday that this girl had passed away in 2001. It was the strangest feeling to me. For one I am incredibly saddened for her family to have lost her at such a young age. I can't imagine the pain and agony that they went thru and probably continue to go thru. Secondly I can't believe how I allowed that to continue to stay with me and this person isn't even alive any more. That was a really weird realization. God wants to take our hurt away from us if we will just pray for it and I think this taught me an important lesson. I have carried this with me since I was about 12 years old instead of just turning it over to him and letting him carry the burden for me. I also had to think about all the times I was mean to someone when in grade school or school in general-Girls can be so mean and I was no different although I hate to admit that. I hope that noone I was mean to is still carrying it around but the chances are it did affect at least one person in some way. Good lesson learned...

Anticipation

Where to start? Mikes mom is in town this weekend and we were hoping she would get to watch Conner play three baseball games while here. So far all of them have been rained out but we are hoping the rain stays away for tonight so she can watch him before she leaves tomorrow.

Conner came home with two medals friday. He got one for his grades and the 2nd one was for the best boy athlete in 4th grade. Let me just put the speculation to rest...no he did not get that from me..I know you are shocked but I am not an athlete. I will give credit to his daddy and the Lord for his natural talent in sports. Things come so easy to him in sports that it is sickening to me.

We are getting ready for Tylers 1st birthday party and that is so hard to believe. A year ago I was on bed rest at this time with high blood pressure and now a year later I am celebrating life with Tyler.

I have made a difficult decision. I am going to be participating in an Intensive Out Patient program for people with eating disorders. I went last Monday and they put you through a very thorough three hour session to determine if I had an eating disorder and if so what the best form of treatment would be. They decided that I did ( I had known this since highschool) and that the best treatment would be three hours a night three nights a week. I am going for my first counseling session on Thursday and then they will start integrating me into the outpatient program. I am very nervous as it is going to be hard for me to be away from my family for that long in the evenings. I know I will feel guilty that Mike will be taking care of them by himself after working all day. I hate that I am putting him in that situation but know how important it is for my long term health and am so grateful for his support. I pray that I can work on myself and not worry about the added pressure on him or I am likely to stop going. I already told them I had trouble w/ committment and that the 6-8 week timeline freaked me out. I am nervous that I will be the only bing eater there. We will have a meal together and I picture all the anorexic people there not wanting to eat thier food while I am wanting to lick thier plates clean. They have teamed me up with a trauma counselor that I am grateful for. They think that while they are making me deal with some issues without turning to food it might get a little stressful but they have promised to walk the journey with me. I am thankful that God led me to this point. I know that God will not forsake me and that he will bring me out on the otherside mentally and physically a stronger person. I know God never promised for it to be easy just to not leave us along the way. I am looking forward to Thursday with anticipation.

Mothers Day

What made Mothers day great for me? It wasn't the dozen roses that I found next to my bed when I woke up that morning. Although they are beautiful and I gratefully appreciate them it was all the other things that I got to do with my family and that they did with me. We went to church and then to watch Conner play ball. His team won pretty easily and are now undefeated having won the last 7 games. After that we all hung out at the house and then went back to the ball park to watch a friends son play. We came home and Mike installed a second peep whole for his short wife so that I could see without trying to jump off the bottom step and catch a glimpse on my way down. He also replaced the hinges on my cabinets and we bought new faucets for the bathroom that he installed. He is no handy man so the fact that he attempted and was sucessful in all these things shows me he loves me. Conner vacummed the stairs for me. I had to walk behind him and carry the sweeper so it defeated the purpose but it was important to him to do it so I let him. he then made an airplane out of a twenty dollar bill and threw it over the balcony to me.With a note saying he loved me. I of course gave it back to him. Trey helped around the house and it was nice. I loved watching them play outside with friends in the beautiful weather. I am so glad that God chose those three boys for me. I love them with all of my heart and love being thier mother :)

Manic Monday

Last week was love on your kids Monday and today has started off as Manic Monday. I had just come upstairs this morning to upload some pictures that we took on Mothers day and to talk about what a great day we had yesterday when the phone rang...it was Mike telling me that he had wrecked his truck and was in a ditch and needed me to come right away. I had told Trey that I would take him to school today so we could hang out for a few extra minutes but when I got the call from Mike I jumped in the car dropped Trey off at school and headed out. Mike had told me he was on one road and I couldn't find him anywhere. I called him back and he still didn't say what road he was on but that he was by the white church. I called my good friend JaNeil who always sees Mike on the way into work to find out how she came to work. Funny how she knew something about my husband that I didn't :) It was so surreal as I drove down the road and thought I saw Mikes truck but the front KU license tag was missing and he was parked behind a locked gate. I thought that must not be him and kept driving. Something told me it was him even thought I didn't understand it so I turned back around. Sure enough it was Mike. I was so confused until I got out of the car and saw the skid marks all the way across the road and that a good portion of the farmers fence had been flattened when Mike drove right thru it. I was so grateful that God had been watching over Mike. Mike is pretty torn up over his truck and the possibility of it not being fixed in time to go camping on Memorial day but I dont' care about any of that. I truly don't. When I saw the damage that was done to the farmers fence and the drop off on the other side of the road I remembered how fragile life is and that we only have today. We get so caught up in fancy items, vehicles, houses, clothes all that silly stuff and I know that without my husband here I wouldn't be happy with any of it. I am so glad that God was watching out for him today.

Now I am off to the grocery with Tyler but stay tuned for posts from Mothers day :)

Lisa

Love on your kids Mondays.

Not sure why but lately I have been feeling very sentimental. Maybe it is because Tyler will be celebrating his 1 year birthday in less than a month. Maybe it is because Trey will be an Eigth grader next year or perhaps because Conner will be in his last year of elementary school next year. I am not sure of the reason but as I sit here and type this Tyler is upstairs napping. I look at that little boy and I could just cry. He brings out so much emotion in me and I love him to pieces. I look at Trey and Conner and am so proud of the men that they are becoming. Conner has a true love for God in his heart that keeps me accountable when I don't want to get out of bed to go to church and for that I am thankful. Trey is so considerate of others and has a heart full of compassion. I will be blessed if Tyler turns out half as good as these two boys. I have a neighbor that is the middle of adopting. Her journey has yet to assign her a child but God knows who she is. I am praying for her to have a name and a face. I think I am as excited for her to bring home her baby as she is. Well, probably not..but maybe a close second or third. I think when you wait awhile to have another child you cherish it more. You know how fragile those moments are and you don't rush them like you do with your older children. I am praying for all the babies that don't have mammas. Every time Tyler raises his arms up for me to hold him it makes me think of the babies that don't know that if they raise thier hands up someone will come. Sure they have care takers but noone that is soley thiers. Noone that will be there for them for the rest of thier lives. It breaks my heart knowing that those kids will never know the smile that a mother can bring to thier face. That they will never have a mother to read them a bed time story. You get the point. I am not sure why God has put this on my heart and I have basically begged him to remove it from my heart. I will be honest. This is not a road I want to go down right now. I don't want to adopt. I don't want another baby right now. Financially we are doing better than ever before and our house is full. I can't stop the feeling though that there is a reason that I am feeling this way. Maybe I am meant to go on a mission trip and visit the kids? Only God knows the reason. I do ask that you pray for the orphans though and pray for my friend Kelly as she might know something a little more concrete with in the next two weeks.

What makes you feel special?

This post is going to sound very materialistic and in a way I suppose it is. I work in a very affluent city. Many of the people where I work drive fancy cars and every street corner is filled with the top dollar vehicles. I have been driving a completely paid for Nissan Quest for the last 6 years. Mike and I strive to save our money to pay cash for most purchases and refuse to have a car payment that is over $250.00. I have been embarrassed of my van for quite some time. I even started not taking care of the inside of it because I didn't like the way the outside looked so I guess I just stopped trying. I recently purchased a new vehicle. It is not a fancy one nor is it a high dollar vehicle like those that my co-workers drive yet it is very nice to me and I love it. I have noticed how special I feel in it, how I feel like I belong or have as much right to be somewhere now as someone else. Now before you condemn me I am sure you have all felt the same way about a new haircut, a new shirt, your favorite pair of jeans. Often it is the material things that make us feel so special. WHY??

Knowing we are children of God should be enough. It should make us feel as if we belong or that we are special. We should take care of our insides by feeding it doctrine no matter what condition our outsides are in. Why is it that we spend tons of money on the outward appearances when God has provided us with all the free doctrine that we need?

Just a quick post but with a powerful message. Something to reflect on.

Seeing thru God's eyes

Today I took my baby to the nursery at church for the first time. Up until now I have been taking him to the service with me but he really doesn't like to be held for very long anymore so I figured it was time to take the trek down the preschool hall and drop him off. I had tears in my eyes as I left him-it never gets easier even with him being my third child to leave them in someone elses care for the first time. I prayed that he would feel God looking over him as we left him there and went to service. After service I picked him up and the girls told me how much they loved the spot on his head. It seems like lately every time I take him to anywhere someone comments on how his hair grows dark out of his mole on his head. I promise you that we had three ball games this weekend and someone mentioned it at every game that we were at. I get tired of telling the whole story about how for months I wouldn't let my self finish his room because I thought that he was going to be taken from me due to complications of his spot. I know just smile and say yes he was born with that, yes it is natural and I think that is where God kissed him in the womb. It is exhausting at times how everyone notices it. My son Trey and I were talking about it Saturday on the way to the ball game about how we want to tell everyone that it isn't cool and we wish he wasn't going to have to have surgery and we wish they would just stop talking about it.

NOW for the title of this post...it wasn't until after church today when I was folding clothes and thinking about the service I had just left when it hit me like a lightning bolt...everyone and I mean everyone that comments on Tylers spot ALWAYS says that they love the spot on his head. They all say how cool they think it is. I have to believe that they are telling me the truth because if they didn't why would they mention it at all to me. If they thought it was gross or ugly they would probably just talk about it behind my back. I have seen people with birthmarks before or a strange characteristic and thought that it was just that..strange. I have never thought it was cool or felt like I needed to comment to people about it. I really think that God has people continually comment on it to reassure me that he is in control and that he is taking something that has bothered Mike and I and allowing people to see it thru his eyes. I love my God and I love how he continally reminds me that he is right there by me. I love that he loves me unconditionally and I love that he formed Tyler in my womb by purpose, nothing about Tyler is an accident. I love that..

Happy birthday to the love of my life. I love birthdays and wake Mike up every year with a birthday doughnut and candles. I asked him today if he thought we would be 97 and I would be still doing that. I told him I might have trouble w/ the cane and the plate. My mom always had a birthday doughnut for me and it is a tradition that I hope my boys do for my grandkids. I love that Mike plays along even though I know he thinks I am silly. I love him so much and am so proud to be part of his birthday celebration.

Mike may have been right

I hate when Mike is right...Can anyone relate to hating when thier husbands are right? I know someone in cyberspace is feeling my pain right now. Mike hates when I buy the boys new toys as he thinks they have enough. I on the other hand love to buy them toys. One thing I secretly enjoy is buying Tyler a toy that he loves and then Mike thinks it is cute to watch him play with it and I can say see aren't you glad I bought that toy-he really enjoys it. That back fired on me today as suddenly everything became the walk behind toy Look below and you will see what I mean..

Look I am walking

I will be lucky if I don't have a bar stool go through the glass door before the weekend is over

Walking makes me tired

Love Saturdays

What a wonderful day God blessed us with today. The weather couldn't have been more perfect. The weather men said it was going to rain tonight but I guess that God had other plans. We got up this morning early-6:30 to be exact and got Tyler up and ran to the store. We then picked Trey up from a friends house and came back home. Trey, Tyler and I ran some errands while Conner and Mike were at baseball practice. When they got home Mike and I drove to a couple of nearby campgrounds. I love going on drives with him just to look around at things. My favorite part of the day was when we all just hung out in the front yard. I had bought Tyler a walk behind toy at a consignment store today. We all had so much fun watching him walk behind it in the front yard. He would get going so fast that his little legs couldn't keep up. I never tire of watching the rest of my family with Tyler. Mike is so good to him and the boys adore him. We had so much fun laying in the grass pretending to be asleep and Tyler would crawl on us and we would pretend to wake up. He laughed and laughed and laughed. I live for these carefree relaxing days as they don't come very often.

I ordered a car to be shipped here from Virginia. I hope that I like it otherwise I have wasted the $150.00 to have it transferred here. I guess that will be my mothers day, birthday and Christmas present for the next year. I am so proud of Mike and I as we have saved up enough money to a big chunk of it down as a down payment. We have really tried hard to teach the boys how important it is to save until you can afford to pay cash for something and how if you have a loan on something then you don't really own it the bank does. We are pretty open with them about money and I hope that it is a lesson that they will take with them when they leave to make homes of thier own.

Speaking of birthdays..Mike's birthday is Monday and I have nothing for him yet. I have no clue what to get him and this is one of the first birthdays that I haven't thrown him a party. We have just been so busy with Tyler.

Well the news is on and I need to get to bed.

God Bless

Can't take back the words....

Ever have one of those days where you wish you could just sew your lips shut?? Today was one of those days for me. I sometimes don't realize when I am kidding w/ the boys how seriously they take me. Yesterday Conner brought home his report card-he had gotten straight A's for the 3rd time this year. We were looking at his report card and I jokingly told Trey that Conner was the smart kid. I was just teasing and honestly didn't mean it...Today Trey came home very upset. I asked him why and he said I got a C. I said well lets take a look at it. He was torn up and I asked him why he was so upset and he said because Conner makes all A's. I had to remind Trey that Conner was in 4th grade and Trey was in 7th. It broke my heart to see Trey so upset and wish he wasn't so hard on himeself and that he could see himself through my eyes so he would know just how spectacular I think he is. This taught me a good lesson today to be very careful when joking around as words hurt worse than punches sometimes and I don't want to do that to my kids.

Back to reality

We are back from San Diego. What an amazing trip. I don't think you can visit that area and not be in awe over what God has blessed us with. The scenery was amazing. One direction you had the ocean and the other the mountains. I couldn't help but thank God for caring so much about us that he gave us that beautiful environment to visit. I had visions of him smiling as he painted the canvas, adding all the green grass, the amazing blue water and the moutains that seemed to go on forever.

We had a wonderful time and I hated to come home. The ironic thing to me was that we spent quite a bit of money on this vacation and the thing that the boys enjoyed the most was playing in this little park next to the harbor. The grass was so soft and green there that people would just lay down on it and take a nap. The boys loved to play tag in the park and climb the tree's that were there. I found myself smiling as I was getting ready one day while we were there. It takes alot for Mike to say that he had a really good time somewhere, he just doesn't get excited about vacations like I do. I on the other hand am always a little disappointed because I get so excited and sometimes the WOW factor falls a little short of how I thought the trip might go. My kids are such a blessing from God and do such a great job of keeping me in check. While we were there Conner kept talking about how he liked the trash cans (they were actually recyclable containers w/ dividers :)) Trey was amazed by the three sided fire hydrants. It was a good reminder to me to not overlook the small things when searching for the bigger things.

I could go on and on about the amazing things that we got to do or see but I think I hear Tyler stirring and I am anxious to spend the day w/ him before I have to go back to work. We bought him an infant swing last night and put on the swingset. It just made me smile this morning when I got up and saw it. I can't wait to push him in it.

Have a great day.

Rambling

Not much to say but haven't posted in awhile. Had two things to share 1) I found this new company out of New York that makes wonderful single b-day cakes. I sent one to Mike's mom for her birthday and she loved it. I have already ordered one for my brothers birthday later this month. It is only 19.99 which includes shipping and handling and according to Mike's mom they are really good. Check out this site www.bakemeawish.com I just think B-day cakes are a fun thing to give as when you get older people don't usually get cakes. I always loved Birthday cake on my special day.

The second thing I found funny is that I have a cold. I have been trying to get everyone well for a trip to San Diego at the end of this week and I woke up today feeling rotten. The funny thing is I wanted Tyler to take a nap so bad and although he was in a great mood I was really wanting to sleep. As we were sitting there on the floor a commercial came on for Baby Alive. It is this baby doll that comes with a medicine spoon so you can give your baby medicine and a thermometer that shows that she has a temperature. I started laughing thinking about how all I wanted when I was growing up was to be a mom and have this baby to take care of-then on days like today I just want a little break. What great timing God had in showing me that commercial. It was a gentle reminder to hang on to the dreams of your childhood and remember that this is what you wanted. The good, the bad and the ugly. I am so blessed to have three children that I think are great and I wouldn't trade them for the world. I did get a little nap and after a walk w/ Mike I plan on taking some medicine and going to bed. He can take care of the kiddo's and live out my dream for awhile :)

Have a great day.

SOOO BLESSED

I really don't have anything to post but my heart is so full of God's blessings in my life that I want to shout out loud. Tonight we watched FireProof for the 3rd time with some friends of ours, it was amazing to share that movie with them but the highlight for me was that my children sat down and watched it along with thier friend. There was something about sitting on the couch next to my husband with my oldest son on one end sprawled out on me and my middle child laying on my lap. (Tyler would have been there if he wouldn't have been asleep) I just think this movie is amazing and really teaches some good lessons that everyone can benefit from no matter the age. I couldn't think of a better way to spend a Saturday night. My job is so busy right now which is not a complaint in a time where so many people are loosing thiers, but it was nice to just relax with family and friends. I have watched God working within my husband over the years but it has never been more evident then in the last 7 months or so. I have fallen so crazy in love with him over and over again. God has just outdone himself with the things that he has provided for us. I am so grateful to be able to take our family to San Diego in a few weeks and experince things with them that will enable us to make wonderful memories together.

I just wanted to say God is such an amazing force in my life.

Love

Lisa

San Diego here we come.

We finally chose a vacation spot for March. I am so excited. We are going to go to San Diego. I am not looking forward to the two full days of travel to get there and back but am excited to be there. Our plane has a 3 hour layover in Dallas so my mom is going to come to the airport so we can visit before heading on to San Diego. That will make the trip there a little more tolerable. We are also going to try to go on a cruise this summer with another family. I am so excited that we have been blessed with jobs that will allow us to travel when the economy is so bad. I know we only have a few more years until Trey is not longer in the house although I have dreams of his family vacationing with us for years to come. I just want to squeeze in all the memories before the kids grow up.

Catching up

Where is the time going? As I type this Tyler is crawling in between my legs around the chair and all over the place. It seems it was just yesterday that I found out I was having a boy. I have been so busy lately I can't keep this post up. I cut my hours at work but still don't seem to have enough time to get everything done. We took Conner to the Cardiologist yesterday and got a wonderful report-music to a mothers ears. Tyler's spot on his head continues to grow in relation to his head but hasn't changed formation. He does have black hair growing out of the spot and it seems to draw alot of attention where ever we go. People are always stopping me and commenting on it. It will be so weird after it is removed and he no longer has it. I wonder what he will think as he looks back at pictures. Mike continues to grieve his father but seems to be doing better most days. Some days it just hits him and he struggles which is to be expected. My job is going great. Valentines day Mike got me Fire Proof and the Love Dare book to go along w/ it. I bought us both notebooks so neither of us would have to write in the book and we are going to do it together. Today I had to show patience. It is so hard for me but thankfully the night is almost over. I guess the point is to continue on that behavior after the day is done though huh? My neighbor watched Tyler for us and Mike and I went to the Avenue and just looked around. Not very romantic but so relaxing not having the kids with us. Sometimes it is so hard with little ones to make time for each other. Mike and I have not made us a priority and are really working on that now. Well, Tyler is not being very patient right now so I better go. I will try to update more later.

Rambling

Gosh it has been awhile since I have posted. Time just slips away from you. What a good day today has been. Conner got straight A's again. Trey got a great report card as well. I went to weight watchers and managed to loose weight over the Holidays. Not to many people in the room where able to say that they accomplished that. What a great feeling. Trey turns 13 tomorrow. I can't believe it. I watch him and see him with one foot over the line that seperates the young boy from the young man. I seem him wanting to be grown so badly but at the same time it seems like he is clinging to things of his younger years which doesn't bother mom a bit. We took him out for his birthday supper tonight as we are having his party tomorrow. He was going to invite his girlfriend and at the last m inute decided not to so that it could just be our family. I love that he decided to honor tradition :) I don't have time to post right now but just wanted to share quickly. I will try to post more soon.